i do love da
tonight i feel it very strongly. why? i've just sent my novel to two russian publishing houses. knowing very well i don't get any answer. even "no, thanks, your work isn't good enough/ we don't need morewriters anymore". this offensive form of ignoring a potential writer doesn't offend me any more. it's normal. ok.
but i feel depressed and low and i asked myself why. what am i afraid of?
do i need editors patting me on the shoulder to continue writing? Hell, no. i write because i need to, like drawing, it's just so natural i can't stop doing it.
do i want to earn any money? no, of course, no. in russia the royalties are so low, writing (and art) could not be considered a proper job. not sure, there is a place in the world where it can be considered a proper job, anyway.
am i afraid they steal my work? no longer, in fact. why should they steal if they got hundreds of texts every day? and then, who would like to steal a sci-fi book filled with tao philosopy and antiutopian questions to the rim. who would like to read such book. it's just my very personal try to find some answers.
do i need readers? that, perhaps. once i was at the concert at the Mariinsky concert hall and there was a good russian cello musician. at the end of the concert he said to the audience "thank you". He added: "we can play as nicely sitting in our kitchen at home. but it won't be Music. music happens only when it is heard. You make us musicians".
Art, as well, happens when it is seen. i was drawing all my life but showing it here on da gives it sense. And, in the end, it doesn't mean how many likes i get, every like is like a very thin link between me and the people in the world, every like beats the inner loneless of a person.
(i must admit, communication and feedback are something different. most of the time i just can't say "thank you" or "you're welcome" because these words lose their meaning if one uses them very often. like "i love you", they cannot be said to too many people, and still they cannot explain my feelings properly. and feedback, this awful impossible urge to be liked. when i catch myself on doing the same type of works again and again, just because they got more likes than others. i do have a limited number of my favorite themes and types of drawing, and there is a style i prefer (actually, i just can't draw in the other way, no matter how i try). but i hate this feeling when i sit and draw and suddenly i realise i don't think of the drawing, i don't put in in anything except my hand, and my mind counts possible reactions. i am fighting with this very much. lots of unfinished works, and unpublished, too. i even stop drawing for a day or two. "it's a decent work" isn't a good reason to show it, if it is the only thing i can say about it. maybe the works published are technically worse but i understand what i want to transmit and i hope that likes (maybe not of them) received marks the understanding, too.)
So, DA gives my art its sense. Why not the other social nets? Why i don't use my facebook or vkontakte accounts? Why i didn't put it in any place online that allows that? Why i don't work with our youtube channel all the time? And there are forums, of course. And i could put even my first book (i've sent my fourth one today) everywhere online. we do have litres and lots of other sites. who need publishers in the modern world when there is a patreon and lots and lots of self-promotional platforms. Why, at last, didn't i create my own site, after all there was a long moment in my life when i got six or eight specialised sited and people were nicely stealing my articles from them.
First of all, self-promotion is a very hard and exhausting work. Which is almost never paid. And i can't do both things at once; looking for the sense (art) and trying to get noticed are very different things, especially for an introvert like me. i sometimes envy people who can find themselves in self-exposing (which is exactly what i am doing now, i am afraid). as one of my friends once said: "if you don't feed your feedback, it'll never be back". And, yes, feedback eats more than i am ready to give.
And then again, i do love da. Here people like what they like and ignore what they don't like. And most of them don't think they are my art or life teachers, they don't say: "overall, the drawing is nice, but you have problems with anatomy here and here" (i do have problems with anatomy) or "we've already seen this, you are repeating yourself" or "we don't approve of the idea in the work, it's too kawaii, or too violent, or too banal". people here are not my judges. Now, russian communication is extremely different. we are a country of personal intolerance. I don't mean somebody beats gays in the streets (at least, none of my gay and lesbian friends said so), nothing like that. But everybody thinks s/he knows best what you shoud do to get better and they think they must inform you of your faults right on the spot. "Why don't you have children?", i heard this question thousands times, even from the people i don't know at all. And what should i answer? i didn't meet a person i would like to have children with (true), i don't need children (true), i do not earn enough (true) or that i got an inherited decease and doctors forbade me bearing (true, they just said i could die). i can say it so easily now because it doesn't have any sense, it was lost after all these times i answered. because russian people need to be answered, otherwise they continue spitting in my personal well. friends are even worse, a few years ago i published my very first short story in my personal closed to search engines and unconfirmed visitors diary. Only to get so much criticism and insults from my close friends i could not stand. I just deleted some friends and quarelled with others. At the moment i am publishing first chapters in the same place, and i know they are reading (god save statistics) and nobody came and said "wow, it's interesting, good job, what is going next". they are like thieves at night, come, read and silently escape. because what this whole nation can't do is just to say "wow, good job, please continue". And i do not have courage to put my art or my texts on the russian sites. I know how much dirt will be said and how many bad things i'll hear. And it doesn't matter when it's about me as a person, it matters a lot when it's about my art and my texts, because in them i am searching for the sense, and this search is a very difficult thing in itself, without any "help" from the helpers.
That's why i am putting it all here, in english. it's much easier to say it in foreign language to unknown people, who mostly don't care.
Thanks, DA, for having so many people who don't care (and never read this) and thank you for all your likes.