30 Days of Pride Challenge - Day 6

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JocelynSamara's avatar
Continuing the 30 Days of Pride Challenge. #30DaysOfPride

6. Who was the first person you came out to?

This probably should've been before yesterday's question.  I'm glad I read ahead, so I didn't leave myself with nothing to say today.  XD

The first person I came out to was my longtime friend, Justin.  But actually, he's kind of the first person I came out to twice.  It all ties into my finally accepting myself too, and I don't think I've ever told more than bits and pieces of this story, so allow me to share it all today.  ^_^

It was Halloween of 2004.  A Sunday.  I was twenty years old.  I had a quiet shift at my job when I worked at my local public library.  And I did not wake up that morning planning to come out.  After all, up to that point, I'd already made the decision to never rock the boat and come out ever.  I'd read the horror stories online of trans people coming out and it going horribly wrong.  Why would I ever subject myself to that?  Why would anybody?  Never mind how much I wanted it; it was just too scary.

All this time later I'm still not sure what changed on that particular day.  I don't know what made it all click.  But I remember being at work thinking about how much I hated feeling so trapped in my own skin, and thinking how "I'm never going to be happy if something doesn't change."  And then I got home from work, called Justin (who was living 300-something miles away at the time) and told him that I needed to get away from where everyone would know me.  At the time, I still wasn't convinced transition was a good idea, so what I actually told him then was that I wanted to "crossdress".  I think he was weirded out, but still quite receptive thankfully, and offered to help me make friends and find a place to stay and if I moved up to where he was.  

And I worked like hell, saved up for six months, and moved.  Just like that.  If anyone I wasn't ready to tell asked, I told people I was going there for college (which wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the main reason). XD

With help from Justin and/or a few others he believed it'd be safe to tell, I got to  "crossdress" a few times.  Whether it was to a local bar, or the mall, or out to lunch somewhere, or even just hanging out and watching movies at someone's place, there was always at least one day a week when I could get dolled up.  Shaving my legs, and doing my hair, and putting on makeup, and all that was so new to me that getting ready would be tedious and take forever... but I never felt better.  

But at the end of the night, that was it.  I'd have to go back to living as a guy.  And it's no exaggeration when I say that as wonderful as every night I got to be female was, I still cried myself to sleep every time because it was temporary.  Arguably, having this weekly girl time just made my dysphoria worse.  It was probably the biggest alarm that maybe transition wasn't such a bad idea after all.  Maybe it was even essential.

I dwelled on this for some time.  There was a whole day where I never left my room.  I just lied on the floor staring at the ceiling trying to work out whether or not I could transition.  How I would transition.  Who I could tell about my transition.  When, where, and what implications would come from it.  And after so much thought, I felt sure that if I denied transition again, the dysphoria would only get worse and worse.  The fear sunk in that it would break me someday if I didn't act.  I didn't want to risk losing everything by transitioning, but I knew that NOT transitioning was somehow going to be the greater loss for me.  

And once again, I approached Justin first.

At the time, he seemed very apprehensive.  He asked a lot of questions, but maintained a far more serious tone than I expected.  I look back and think he was probably just concerned and wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting into, but at the time, I was worried I'd crossed some kind of line.  One such question he asked (and my reply) even made it into Rain, in one of the most popular pages in the story.
RAIN p.94 - The Wonder Drug by JocelynSamara 

To this day, he still supports me.  We don't live closeby anymore, but we can still talk anytime.  We've known each other almost TWENTY years now, and he remains an awesome and loyal friend.  And sometimes I wonder, if not for him, who knows how much longer it'd have been before I gained the courage to come out (or if I ever would).  Who knows if I'd be transitioning right now or even writing Rain?  

So thank you, my friend, for being there for me.

© 2016 - 2023 JocelynSamara
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atlantifique's avatar
besides flat out telling my mom when i was just starting school, i tried to tell my wife, when we were talking about getting married.
i got as far as i lived with a 'gay guy' and she shut down the conversation, but she carried it, allowing that same sex attraction was probably kind of normal, but actually acting on it was out of her acceptance... "some people are kind of attractive" she said...
that wasn't where i was going, so i stopped there.
i understood she wasn't cool with the notion of me being bi or gay, let alone knowing i am a girl.
so i held it in as long as i could.
i finally decided to see a therapist, and things got better, but we still have to figure some things out; but we get along well