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Paula Kay
5 Watchers7.6K Page Views155 Deviations

Journal Entry

J

Journal Entry

19900808--- Everytime one of those damn "Special Reports" comes on the TV, I get lightheaded and have to remind myself to breathe. I tremble and force myself to soak in all the blessings and joys of life I currently hold, in order that, should I have to leave them; that I will hold closer, and treasure, these joys, these moments. I dread the ringing of the phone. I give it occasional venomous glances…I feel my heart beat irregularly just thinking about THE dreaded phone call. A madman rages in Saudi and I fear he will infect the Bull (Grazing Herd—Raging Bull). 19900810— A "Special Report" bursts on—I freeze—my heart and lungs frozen. I

Untitled

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Untitled

I swore once to love you always, and I do. but not the same way, we knew it would change. Yet still, down our future road, I see us meet again and walk together. Careful and cautious, touching but not holding; Regretful and perhaps afraid. But at peace, and happy too. I wish you happiness now. But life comes and we take it. We aren't umpires of the game. Too late do we realize it.

Anger

A

Anger

Perhaps you have been busy Life leads you by the hand Perhaps you are not angry My imagination is just bad. But your silence speaks of ire, Even more it speaks of hurt; I’d almost take it back again If only I knew what it was. I love you most and truly, I don’t believe I’ve done you wrong But I hear you clearly saying What I have heard for so long. If I had a million something’s I would give them all to you, Or even one small universe This would be yours, too. But all I have to give you Is only what I am I feel it’s insufficient For you cast it from your hand. If my whole life I gave you

Closer Now

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Closer Now

Goodbye is never easy though I thought this one might be. You cried, and even though you said you didn't mean it you did, and I know. My love for you is true can you not see that in loving you, as I love myself; I had to go? You make it feel wrong, somehow. Even though I resent that, I keep on loving you. You are ever, even closer now.

Now and Then

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Now and Then

I am afraid at times to give you all of me. Not because I don't trust and believe in you, but because I don't trust and believe in myself. So sometimes when I cry realize it isn't because I don't love you or believe in you anymore but because the scars are deep and still I hurt me. Some days I'll need you most. Hold me warm and tight and close, erase the heartache which never dies, which comes to me when I stop believing in myself. Hold me now, and then, and need me most.

One Moment

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One Moment

Time passes so very slow you are not here and yet you are for the very room is filled with you as is my heart my every breath drawn for you knowing that each moment gone is one moment closer to you.

Withdrawal

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Withdrawal

I have always left. Leaving the ones I love is a habit with roots so deep I may never dig them up. Leaving you was easy when I left you. It became harder the longer I was gone. Leaving him was even easier, I could rationalize, even explain that. Too, I've been leaving myself. Or, rather, leaving bit and pieces of myself so I wouldn't have to confront them. I seem to have left things all over the country. How did they find me here? How many are still on their way? I will greet them, no doubt; when they catch up.
See all

PLAYGROUND

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PLAYGROUND

Playground Once the world seemed just a playground, a thing of wondrous dream And buildings tumbling into dust were as unreal as they seemed, death, destruction, horror; were things hinted at in books and we knew we could survive no matter what it took. There wasn't anything so bad, that time couldn't bring a new day; a second chance, a high school dance, a new start somehow, someway. Now evil fills our vision, and thinks to steal our joy, Rejoices in a battle won and what it has destroyed; though evil hopes to defeat us, it deceives only itself, for the God of love and power is not sitting on the shelf. Unknowable, He works in us

YOURS

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YOURS

YOURS I recall sleeping with your front to my back and your arm slung over my side with your hand resting upon my stomach swollen with the child that was not yours. I recall talking on the pillow long into the night and the once you said that the life inside of me would be a boy even though he was not yours. I recall an exclamation of delight at the slight and occasional thump of my son, that was mine; but was not yours. I recall you experiencing this strangeness, marveling at my changing figure reminding me to take my vitamins so that the baby would at least be healthy if not yours. But I cant recall eve

BLIND WIZARD

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BLIND WIZARD

BLIND WIZARD I could not hold the foamy wind, a taste upon my tongue; it shrieks back to the stormy sea— laughing eye of the dragon. And you with your caressing laugh would perhaps try, and fail; with all your strengthto see as blind men do— in the darkness. I am no thing to you, a reflection within your darkling eyes; like sea foam glitter— upon the gentle waves. I could not stop the dragons stare; nor ever forget the scent of tears— sea salt in your hair. Spurned by the laughter of dragons' breath, I seek thee in the night… Black as dragons' blood I fear, and cold as dragons' hearts depth; yet my heart beats crims

ADOPTION

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ADOPTION

ADOPTION My belly grows, and kicks, in violent fury at being held hostage. My face glows, and brightens, in fervent beauty of new life within. My nipples darken, and swell, in passive silence while carrying Life's milk. My body becomes a labyrinth, and ceases to be omniscient of itself. As I bear, in unwieldy toil, a child I shall never call my own.

favorite place

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favorite place

beneath the stars beneath your hand lead me to a distant land take me there with caresses sweet hold me close it's you i keep within my heart within my soul i think of you i lose control so hold me strong in your embrace your utmost desire is my favorite place

Evidence

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Evidence

There are so many images of beauty in the world, we cannot possibly "know" of the existence of all of them, no more than we can "know" of the existence of other people in other lands whom we have never met. Can they be proven? Yes, with a great deal of difficulty---IF you were to attempt to "know" every particle of 'existence' in the world. Could we "know" everything there is to know before we die? Not likely. It's a big world. Your universe is ordered and controlled by you—to some extent. You have choices, where you have freedom to make choices, and you allow things to operate within parameters you've set. Some people have more freedom and

Parking Courtesy

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Parking Courtesy

PARKING COURTESY I have been putting off writing this for some time, in the vain hope that human behavior is self-correcting and that other people could see, as I do, that one of things that annoy us so much can actually be something we ourselves are responsible for. Well, not all of us, but perhaps many people, who complain about not being able to find a parking spot here at Hurley, are the very ones who don't relate their own parking habits to the problem. I am not talking about violations of parking, such as the obvious, parking on the clearly marked fire lane or at the end of a row; I am talking about simple, think of others as well as

All You Ever Dreamed

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All You Ever Dreamed

I risked it, and reached for you, again. Still, you didn't understand. You wouldn't dare interrupt your security for the chance of having all you ever dreamed. You knew me so little then, and now. I could accept it then. During the interval, you took me in. You hurt me then, and now. I cried then, I cannot; now. You are content. I could offer you the universe… but you wouldn't know what to do with it.

Spotlight

Artist // Professional // Varied
  • United States
  • Deviant for 15 years
  • She / Her
Badges
Llama: Llamas are awesome! (5)
My Bio
Just an ordinary woman...

Current Residence: Mt. Morris MI
Favourite genre of music: Anything, preferably Classic Rock
Favourite photographer: I refuse to choose
Favourite style of art: landscape, still life, alternative
Operating System: Win XP
MP3 player of choice: None
Shell of choice: de nada
Wallpaper of choice: Forest
Skin of choice: de nada
Favourite cartoon character: Road Runner
Personal Quote: Perspective is Everything

Favourite Visual Artist
I refuse to choose
Favourite Movies
I refuse to choose
Favourite Bands / Musical Artists
I refuse to choose
Favourite Writers
I refuse to choose
Favourite Games
Pit
Favourite Gaming Platform
video game challenged
Tools of the Trade
keyboard, pen
Other Interests
writing, photography, music,poetry

Well.

Well.

Been Monday for two days in a row now... Anyway, back in beautiful Mid-Michigan..looks like Spring might actually be here...

Havent been on for quite a while....

Havent been on for quite a while....

Relocated to Hillsboro, OR (for now). Living at my brother's. Will post a couple cell phone pics for now..

I LOVE Squirrels!!

I LOVE Squirrels!!

This one is especially cute. http://majkeld.deviantart.com/gallery/ Oddly enough they remind me of some strange and beautiful combination of fox, cat, rabbit and rat...

Comments 88

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Hello Paula K. Schmidt,

You have not likely thought of me in some 37 years. Amazing how quickly time has flown.  Had it not been for an oddball chance of finding a video on youtube from the former Fort McClellan Alabama, I'd not be writing you.  It seems were were there, in Company D, 12th Training battalion between 5 Jun 1979 and 20 Sept 79.  You were one of the last people I spoke to on base before heading back home.  As I recall, we wrote for a short while before fate conspired and I lost touch.  Until this evening.  

I find a posting that reads:

"WOW. Having been in that place when it was full of people, sound, activity and life, this is Soooo creepy and sad. But cleansing too, so thanks for the video."  

More importantly, a wonderful face that I still recognize after all that time.  The question is. . .

Do you remember me?  

I am-
From Oklahoma
Was in the National Guard when we met at McClelland,
Am a bit older
Went back and got a bachelors degree in '93 in nursing
My hair was brown back then. . .
Glad to have found you, and have many questions.


Mysterious interloper




cloe-may Photographer
thanks for the fave :)
feanen-lazuliHobbyist Filmographer
Thank you so much for watch 2294355lxc45ir21n by TinaLouiseUk   
jobthesecondProfessional General Artist
you're very welcome
NiopheeHobbyist Photographer
thx so much for the fave :happybounce:
Hi! Sorry, I just happened to see the thingy at the bottom of your name (is it a tag line?) that said Suess on it, and was wondering if you meant Seuss. Like as in Dr. ; guy who did political cartoons during the Great Depression and wrote children's books about discoloured foods, or if you meant to put Suess.
jobthesecondProfessional General Artist
I meant Dr. Suess the author. We share a birthday.