Sometime, I wonder whether I have been charmed or hypnotized by the Korean Idols that I love so much, I mean...well, I fall in love with the person I have never met in real life, the person I know nothing about or whether his personality is just an act or not and yet, I fell in love helplessly. When I spend sometime to think about it, aside from their personality, there is something that struck me, harshly...and almost painfully.
When I was little, people asked me what do I want to become when I grow up, being an Asian kid I knew what I have to say, to please the people around me, now that I think about it, I don't even know the reason why I have to do that; so anyway, I told them I wanted to become a doctor, a vet, a lawyer,...when actually, I don't know what I really like, I told my mom I wanted to be a doctor because that's what she wanted me to be or sometime when she's in the mood, she would liked me to become a lawyer, I told my dad I wanted to be a teacher because he himself is a teacher and he seemed proud about that, so...I told them what they wanted to hear. When I grew up a little more and have some self-reflection I thought I wanted to become a vet, because they wanted me to be a doctor but I love animals more than people, so I studied with that in mind, thinking that's what I want.
Around the time I'm in elementary, my mom signed me up in an acrobatic dancing class which you will stretch and split and spin around,...because my aunt's daughter went to that class and my mom thought she looked cute. And so, my classes start and unexpectedly, I was fond of it and got praised for my flexible skills. Then, she stopped letting me join the classes after the first dancing competition, for a simple reason, my sibling doesn't want to do the class anymore. I did not fight back eventhough I did enjoy the class, because that's what my mom decided and I think that was the best for me...typical mind of an Asian kid.
Time passed and I eventually forget about it, then during middle school I developed a hobby, unfortunately (for my parents) it was drawing character and designing clothes. At first, my mom ignored them, after sometimes as my hobby grew stronger, she began...throwing my stuffs away, for example, my drawings, she sold them to the paper/trash collector, she talked down on me like "You are not good at drawing", "It's ugly", "Don't waste the paper", "Stop it, you are ruining your eyes", "Drawing can't make money"...I did struggle, but perhaps it wasn't enough and to some extend I thought she was right about the "money" part. My family was not well off, she worked hard to support our family while my father isn't exactly the type who "save up" he doesn't have that word in his dictionary. So I let it go at the time to my middle school graduation exam comes closer.
When I come to highschool, my mom expectation obviously shown, she wanted me to join a national university for...whatever subject available, that's also around the time when I realized I'm really bad at math and mathematically related stuffs, so when my mom told me about being a doctor I got frustrated and told her off, after that was the time I have to go to tutor classes from 5:30PM until 9:00PM after the main class from 6:30AM till 5:00PM, I literally passed out on bed right after dinner and was too busy to have time for something else like hobbies...We did not have anything like clubs in high school because our parents did not want us to join them, saying we need time to study for university, although I did manage to join a school festival where you go singing and dancing to compete between school, I did my friends hair and make up, chose their uniform and practiced dancing and singing, I had fun, but we did not make it into the final because the choreography was long and some of us forgot mid way. So I didn't get acknowledged by my mom once again. My friend once asked me why I didn't try to be an idol since I sing well, I told her "Where can I get the money to join an art school" and "Didn't they all start an art high school and practice dancing from a young age?".
When I failed the first and second choices of university, I took a year off, working part time at my friend's coffee shop, make-up freelancing, spending time "efficiently" by hanging out in bars, drinking, dating. Around that time I discover Kpop through one of the girls. My first favorite was BigBang, they were not my addiction or bias or "hubby" I just simply enjoyed their music and practiced dancing 2NE1 songs, I was also addicted to manga and anime, I can't passed a day without watching or reading them, they were the joy of my life. As I start to think what should I do with my life should I start drawing again or practice dancing, my mom starts rushing me to take the college tests for interpretative. Unfortunately lucky I passed the test with flying colour, I tried to asked her if I can join an art school or a designer school but she immediately turned those ideas off "Those classes cost a lot of money and they don't make much, you can't live on that it's just a hobby".
I grew up looking at my parents expression, following their ways, being constantly compared to my siblings, almost daily, got reminded of how useless of a child I was, that it would be better if it was an egg that she born, suffering depression, mood disorder, anti-social, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, constantly feel like a loser, realizing I would never be able to get what I want nor be what like...I closed up completely when unconsciously, my dream has become something like "Making lots of money", "Having a house and a car"...I'm still trying to get away from that idea...based on what my psychiatrist told me to.
Now, when I look at my bias, 3 years younger than me and some of them...7 years younger, I can't help but sign and feel sad and...painful...I feel like...everything is late now and I'm lost on where to start, what to do, nothing is guaranteed and dream-less. Everyday I'm struggling between living a dream-less live, writing story or practice drawing to give me a hobby or working the uneasiness off. You can't understand someone life if you didn't experience it yourself, however, you can see the corpses without soul walking around the street, the feeling is like seeing your own kind, it's reassuring yet hurt like being stabbed in the heart.
At this age when I'm either late or not for everything...I don't know anymore, one thing I'm sure of...I'm already too late to become an Korean idol....*laugh painfully*