You can also find me at:
As the bloodthirsty clown inched closer, you felt your brain spring into action. Your pounding head raced with unintelligible thoughts and concepts until a single sentence emerged from the foggy cloud that was your mind: seduce him. You immediately rejected the idea. How could you possibly attempt to seduce this man-eating clown? At the moment, he didn’t appear to be interested in anything other than dinner. Your eyes urgently scanned the room, hoping to settle on something that might give you some idea of how to go about this.
Your gaze fell on the lavish chocolate cake, still sitting patiently on the counter. You found yourself wondering why Sprinkles had bothered to prepare it in the first place. After all, he certainly wasn’t going to eat it. And that was a lot of effort to go to solely for the sake of a joke…
Ha! There was no way. Man-eating monster clowns didn’t produce baked goods on the side. Right? That would be ridiculous. What’s even the point if no one’s going to eat it? That would imply…that Sprinkles simply enjoyed baking.
Your heart picked up speed at the possible revelation. Sprinkles liked to bake? It wasn’t impossible. Knowing you didn’t have much time left, you decided to take the shot. You stood tall and looked Sprinkles in the eye.
He stopped almost immediately, clearly surprised by your sudden calmness. Your confidence had been restored when you uncovered Sprinkles’ baking prowess, and there was no longer any room for hesitation.
“Can I make a last request?”
Sprinkles raised an eyebrow, suspicion taking hold of his features. “Depends…is that last request to not die? Because if so, I’m gonna have to say no, sorry.”
You shook your head. “No. I want a piece of cake.”
For a second, you thought you saw something shift in the clown’s expression. However, it had passed before you could determine whether or not it had ever been there in the first place.
“Your dying wish is to eat cake?” he sneered.
“Not just any cake,” you countered, “I want THAT cake.” This time you pointed directly at the object of your desire, and Sprinkles warily followed your gaze. His reaction was noticeable; the corners of his mouth were twitching ever so slightly.
“And why, exactly, do you want THAT cake so bad?” he challenged. You were on the right track. You could feel it.
You took a deep breath and said, “Because that’s the best damn cake I’ve ever seen in my life.”
You were being truthful, for the most part—it was a pretty good-looking cake. However, you weren’t exactly a cake connoisseur either, so your cake-judging abilities weren’t put to the test very often.
The smile tugging at Sprinkles’ lips finally tore free. “That’s some high praise, kiddo.”
“Did you make it yourself? I wouldn’t expect it to be store-bought.”
The excitement was now evident in the clown’s face. “Indeed I did! You’re that desperate for a bite, huh?” He turned on his heels and proudly approached his creation, pie knife raised and ready. Without a moment’s hesitation, he began slicing the cake quickly and cleanly; he was clearly experienced in doing so. He then drifted into the kitchen and retrieved a plate from a high cabinet, though you weren’t sure how he knew the layout of your aunt’s kitchen so well.
In a matter of seconds, he had slid a piece of cake onto the plate and was handing it to you. You stared down at it hungrily, realizing that by going on your little outing earlier you had effectively skipped dinner.
Sprinkles took a step forward and uttered a small gasp as he realized he had forgotten to give you silverware. You waved it off, afraid to ask anything else of him. After all, he was planning to eat you.
He was regarding you now with amusement, a wide grin plastered on his face. “You gonna eat that with your hands?”
Your heart was pounding in your chest. You didn’t have much of a choice. And as you continued to stare longingly at the cake, you felt an almost barbaric presence take over.
You began devouring the cake at Mach speed, rejecting the use of your hands and simply slamming your face into the chocolatey dessert at full force. Chunks flew off the plate as sugary frosting sunk into your nostrils and became entangled with your eyelashes. The cake in your eyes just barely concealed Sprinkles’ look of growing horror. It was too late to turn back. You sucked up every bit of cake like a high-powered vacuum, your sugar intake reaching its maximum as the entire debacle entered a final phase similar to the finale of a fireworks show. You finished your presentation by licking the plate clean, your tongue making obnoxiously loud noises as it traversed the glass.
Your expression masked by thick layers of frosting, you handed the empty plate back to Sprinkles in triumph. He wasn’t quick enough, however, and the plate slipped through his fingers, shattering on the tile floor. It was at that very moment that your aunt returned home.
You turned around to face your aunt, who simply stared back in shock. A mixture of broken glass and cake crumbs was littered about your feet. You tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t form, and you pointed at Sprinkles as if to explain yourself.
When your aunt’s expression melted into confusion, you looked behind you to see that the clown you were hoping to place the blame on had vanished. Oh, fuck.
You refused to meet Aunt Gussy’s gaze as she approached you.
And then two meaty arms were wounding themselves tightly around your body, pulling you into a warm, borderline suffocating embrace. “I’m so happy to see you! It’s been such a long day, you know? Feels like I’m sporting week-old lasagna down there!”
She finally pulled herself away from you, her hands lingering on your shoulders. “And look at you! Is this a new skin treatment you’re trying out? Looks good!”
You absent-mindedly wiped some cake from your left temple in response. Aunt Gussy leaned in to you, her nose twitching like a rabbit’s as she took in your scent, similar to a predator sizing up its prey. “Hmm…almost smells like…” Her index finger, the nail painted a neon pink, hovered just above your cheek. “No, that couldn’t be.” She pulled back, shaking her head slightly. “Well, as delighted as I am to see you, Cunt, I think I’m going to turn in for the night. Got a big day tomorrow!”
She carefully stepped over the glass and cake and began heading up the stairs, an aura of sickeningly sweet perfume following quickly behind. You took a small breath of relief as the air quality returned to its previous state. Glancing at the kitchen clock, you realized it was already midnight. You resolved to clean the mess tomorrow morning and get some shuteye. You had a lot to process.
You took to the stairs and headed to the guest bedroom, which lay just across from your aunt’s. The interior was rather bland and old-looking, but your aunt had specified that it hadn’t been used in a very long time. You locked the door behind you, casting a quick, appreciative glance at the “do not disturb” card hanging on the doorknob, and washed the leftover cake from your face in the bathroom. Your suitcase was waiting patiently for you on the bed, and you opened it to reveal a neatly folded pair of pajamas. You looked them up and down, ultimately satisfied with their appearance and predicted comfort levels, and were preparing to put them on when a soft noise caught your attention.
You weren’t sure what it was at first—possibly a rat scurrying through the attic? But you quickly came to realize it was coming from the closet. Its metal doors were rattling, though you could not rightly determine what had disturbed them. Setting your pajamas back on the bed, you walked to the closet and gingerly placed a hand on the mirrored surface.
The rattling ceased immediately in response to your touch, and you felt reassured. Perhaps the bedroom window had been left open. You turned to check as the closet door swung open and a gloved hand roughly gripped your wrist.
You squealed in surprise, yanking your arm back from Sprinkles’ grasp. “What the fuck?!” you said as Sprinkles stared at you sheepishly from inside the closet. He was hunched down, unable to stand up all the way due to his size.
“I didn’t have a whole lot of options, you know,” he whispered. “Don’t be too loud, or...”
“Why did you choose my room?” you shouted, waving your arms wildly above your head for emphasis. “Or—why not go through the back door?”
Sprinkles was visibly nervous. He was aggressively pantomiming at you, trying to get you to keep quiet. Well, you weren’t about to listen to him.
“What am I supposed to do now? Sleep in this room while a murderous clown hides out in my closet? I may not be the most functional dildo in my aunt’s dildo drawer, but I’m not that stupid!” Your voice was increasing in pitch, and Sprinkles’ eyes were widening with every word. “And after that stunt you pulled earlier, if you really think I’m going to--!”
Your little speech was interrupted by a loud rapping at the door. The words died on your lips as both you and Sprinkles froze. “Cunt? Is that you in there?” Aunt Gussy’s voice was muffled and concerned. “Are you alright? I’m coming in!”
You watched in terror as your aunt began unlocking the door from the outside. You turned to Sprinkles for guidance, but he was clearly panicking and unable to offer you any advice at the moment. The reasonable thing to do in response to this situation would be to shut the closet door, let your aunt in, and pretend you had just been talking to yourself. However, as mentioned previously, you weren’t the most functional dildo in your aunt’s dildo drawer, and the stress was prohibiting your brain from producing coherent thoughts. You took one look at the turning doorknob, another at a terrified Sprinkles, and jumped into the closet with him, shutting the door behind you right as your aunt burst in.
Sprinkles was standing all the way up now, his head propped against the lowered ceiling of the closet. Your body was squished between the door and his stomach. You craned your neck to look at him, and he made eye contact with you, his weird and uncomfortable expression visible even in the darkness. He looked a little peeved, as well.
Your aunt’s footsteps echoed around the room. “Cunt? I swear I heard you come in here…” Her voice grew closer. “You know, I was ranked #1 best hide-and-seek player in high school, so don’t expect to last long in a game with me.” Paralyzed with fear, you decided to give up and show yourself to your aunt. That seemed a whole lot nicer than being caught hiding in a closet with a giant killer clown.
As you prepared to speak, a large hand clamped itself over your mouth, effectively silencing you. You moved to pull it off, and Sprinkles’ other arm wrapped itself around your stomach, immobilizing you. You tried to wiggle free, but the clown’s grip only tightened in response. He lowered his head to your ear and whispered harshly, “Don’t move a muscle.” You decided it was in your best interest to listen to him, and ceased all movement.
Your aunt was right outside the closet now, you could feel it. Sprinkles instinctively tightened his hold, and you sunk further into his stomach. You were becoming painfully aware of how close the two of you were now; his heart was beating rapidly at the back of your head, the warmth radiating from his body overwhelming. Your face was flushed, likely due to the lack of air.
Aunt Gussy’s footsteps grew distant as she returned to the center of the room, her tone now laced with annoyance. “I swear I heard him. I know I did,” she muttered to herself. She finally exited the room, slamming the door angrily behind her. You both waited for the sound of her own bedroom door opening and closing before you released yourselves from your prison, staggering out into the open like drunken sailors.
“Holy fucking shit,” Sprinkles gasped, his hands on his knees as he regained his composure. You couldn’t respond, as you were also reveling in the fresh air. “Did you hear that? She knew I was here. She recognized my voice.”
You paused, attempting to speak between breaths. “You mean…you know her?”
“Y—yeah. Scariest woman I’ve ever met, honestly. She’s been trying to hunt me down for months now.”
“Why? She knows you’re a fucking murderer?”
Sprinkles stood up and turned to you. “I’m—look, a man’s gotta eat. I can’t help it that I can’t digest anything other than human flesh.”
You rolled your eyes dramatically. “Poor baby. What does my aunt want you for, anyway? She gonna turn you in?”
Sprinkles laughed, but it was the laugh of a truly terrified man. “God, I wish. That would be so much better than what she actually wants from me.”
You folded your arms and smirked, your interest piqued. “Go on.”
“Well, uh. I tried to eat her, a long time ago. She was hanging out in an alleyway in the middle of the night, for some reason. Probably on the job. I figured it was an easy bite, y’know? But she…mistook me for a customer, or something. The entire experience was so uncomfortable that I figured it wasn’t worth it, and I let her go. But then she recognized me while I was at work a month or so later…”
“Wait, what? You have a job?”
Sprinkles looked offended. “What, you think I wear this clown suit for funsies?” Your eyes met, and something shifted in his expression. “Oh my god. You—you thought I dressed this way to lure in victims, didn’t you? You thought I was a fucking Pennywise 2.0?!”
You shrugged, slightly embarrassed by the confrontation. “I mean…”
“Wow. Monsters can be civilized, Cunt. Just because I eat people doesn’t mean I’m a feral animal living in the woods.” He shook his head in disappointment. “Anyways, your aunt caught me after work and tried to make small talk. I pretended I didn’t remember her or what happened, but she wouldn’t let up. She kept coming to shows and flagging me down afterwards so she could tell me about her day or some bullshit. My co-workers thought it was hilarious, said she totally had a thing for me. I guess I finally thought that maybe if I pretended to tolerate her for once, she’d give me some fucking space. So…”
Sprinkles turned his head away from you, suddenly uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. You watched him patiently, silently encouraging him to continue.
“Well…you know. I slept with her,” he blurted, his voice picking up speed. “But it was just one time! I didn’t even acknowledge her afterwards, I continued ignoring her existence like I always had. It wasn’t even that good, Cunt!” He was going a mile a minute, and you could only imagine the look of pure horror on your face. “But she wouldn’t leave me alone. I’m pretty sure she’s in love with me. Either that or she’s pissed that I ran off after our one-night stand.”
“So…that condom from before…in the woods? Are you telling me that was…”
“Oh my god, NO,” Sprinkles practically shrieked. “It wasn’t even used, Cunt. I put hand sanitizer in there. FOR THE JOKE!!!”
You couldn’t help but giggle at how Sprinkles was losing his cool. You covered your mouth with your hand in an attempt to suppress it. The clown stopped and glared at you—then, surprisingly, he started laughing too. It wasn’t a scared laughter anymore, but a genuine, hearty laughter that made you feel warm inside. There was something kind of nice about it, and it made you want to laugh more. “Cunt…when I heard you were moving in, I decided I’d eat you and just get it over with. I didn’t want to deal with another basket case. But, uh, you’re clearly not another Gussy, though stupidity does seem to run in the family.” You stuck your tongue out at him, and he chuckled. “So…I’m not going to kill you, alright? Or eat you, or anything like that. Sorry about before.”
He was looking at you sympathetically now; he appeared to be genuine. You shrugged. “Apology accepted, I guess.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not the only one who should be apologizing. I’m still pretty traumatized from watching you snort cake earlier.”
Holy shit, you had nearly forgotten about that. Did that actually happen? You burst into laughter. “I was afraid to ask for a fork, I thought you’d bite my fingers off or something! And I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch…”
Sprinkles was laughing alongside you. “That was one hell of a horror show, kid. I’ve never been more concerned in my life. I thought maybe I’d accidentally baked marijuana into that thing.”
You were both hunched over now, unable to control yourselves. It was a wonder Aunt Gussy hadn’t returned to investigate the noise, and the thought of her stomping around the room, unable to locate the source of the talking, only made you laugh harder.
Sprinkles was even louder than you were, his laughs long and full—and then he snorted. It was a small snort, but a snort nonetheless, and he quieted down immediately. His mouth became a straight line, and he looked off into the distance, refusing to meet your gaze. You decided not to push it…though, if you were being completely honest with yourself, the snort had been kind of cute.
He turned back to you, the embarrassment fading from his face. “It’s been fun and all, but I should get going,” he said, heading to the door. “Before I push my luck too far.” He offered you a smile and a wink before letting himself out and disappearing into the darkness of the hallway. You raced after him, expecting to catch a glimpse of him going downstairs or exiting out the back door—but just like your earlier encounters, he had successfully vanished without a trace.
Oh, well. It’s not like you wouldn’t see him again, right?
You hate moving. You always have. You’ll admit that this time around it was necessary—you needed to get out of the city. Community college had been a nightmare; that clown-fucking rumor had spread like wildfire. Now it was up to you to make a new name for yourself as well as do a better job of keeping your shitty clown kink a secret. Perhaps you could manage that much.
The sun was already setting as you sat on your new couch for the first time. Technically, it was your aunt’s couch, as you would be crashing at her place until you could acquire a steady job and eventually a place of your own. However, she was a full-time hooker, so she wouldn’t be around much. That left a lot of time on your hands, and you found yourself growing aimless within mere minutes.
After a brief moment of thought, you decided to throw on your coat and get some fresh air, as well as examine your new surroundings. You’d have to get used to country living. Stepping out into the chilly air, you could see the sun slowly slipping behind the mountains. You wouldn’t have a lot of time to look around.
Surprisingly, there were quite a few people on the streets. You weren’t expecting to run into anyone else at this hour, and it was rather disappointing to think you might have to put in some actual effort today. You really didn’t feel like taking the time to introduce yourself to your aunt’s friends and neighbors at the moment, so you lazily turned around and headed back towards the house. However, something seemed to stop you dead in your tracks—just beyond your aunt’s house was a long stretch of dense forest. What the fuck?
Why was there a gigantic forest behind your aunt’s house? Honestly, the concept itself was so puzzling that you felt like you had no choice but to check it out.
Taking a couple steps closer, you quickly realized the forest was one of childhood nightmares. It looked like it belonged to fucking Slenderman. Going in there alone would almost certainly result in serious injury or death.
Eh, you’re already depressed as shit. Go big or go home, right?
You immediately regretted your courageous—no, idiotic—decision. The forest seemed to gobble you up as though it hadn’t had a bite in years and was just waiting for a curious, tender morsel like yourself to enter its domain. The air was positively suffocating. An unseen force dragged you forward.
The moisture was beginning to make you sick, and you felt hot, stinging bile rising in your throat. You were quickly losing all sense of time and direction, heading into an unknown abyss at the pull of something powerful and unidentifiable. Trees swept past you—when had you started running?
And then the world stopped spinning as a clear, deep voice cut through your trance and brought you back to reality.
“Are you a fucking idiot?”
Startled, you turned in the direction of the disembodied voice, but there was nobody to be seen.
The stranger’s tone quickly softened as he repeated himself, “I said, would you like a balloon?”
That’s when you turned around and found yourself face-to-face with the last thing on earth you ever expected to encounter in this godforsaken forest: a large, colorful clown.
He stared down at you eagerly, his painted smile stretching in glee. You just stared back, still overcoming the initial shock of running into a giant clown in a forest.
“You’re not carrying any balloons,” was all you could mutter in the wake of your surprise and confusion.
The clown tilted his head slightly and cocked an eyebrow, his eyes now fully focusing on your sweaty face. “That’s where you’re wrong, sweetheart.” He reached into the side of his baggy clown suit and pulled out a deflated—wait, what? The clown turned to look at the item and laughed heartily. “Wrong pocket, huh?” He continued to chuckle as he discarded the used condom. You just stared at him in awe. “I can see you’re not interested in balloons,” he continued, “but that ain’t a problem for me, kiddo! I’ve got lots more tricks up my sleeve.” As he reached into his other pocket, you finally found your voice.
“No, that’s okay,” you said. “Really. I’m not a kid.”
The clown’s smile faltered. “Oh, I’m sorry. Not a fan of clowns, huh?”
“No, I just…wasn’t expecting to find one here.”
The clown laughed again, a short, lively burst, and made eye contact with you. “Sorry to surprise you, sweetheart. I was just taking an evening stroll when I noticed you wandering around like a lost little lamb! I thought maybe you could use the company.”
You blushed ferociously at his comment, which wasn’t entirely inaccurate. “I’m new here…” was all you could manage.
“New?! Well, that doesn’t surprise me! After all, nobody really comes through here aside from myself. I was honestly quite shocked to see you running around!” The clown waited for a response, and upon receiving none, finally extended a gloved hand towards you. “Anyways, call me Sprinkles! Sprinkles the clown. What’s your name, kiddo?”
You hesitantly gripped his large hand and allowed for a brief shake. “I’m Cunt. Nice to meet you, I guess.”
As his hand released yours, you felt a small weight pressing into your palm. Upon examining it, a tiny, elegantly packaged candy lay firmly in your hand. You looked back at Sprinkles wildly.
“You like candy? I’ve got some spares,” he said, offering you a quick wink. “But hey, would you look at the time? I’ve gotta bounce.” He turned to go, but not before glancing down at the chocolate in your hand. “Consider that a welcoming gift, my treat. And perhaps there’ll be more where that came from.”
Before you could respond, Sprinkles was already gone from sight. There was no trace of his colorful clown suit among the trees, and you were almost certain what you experienced had been a hallucination. However, when you looked down, the small chocolate he had given you remained lying calmly in your hand. Grasping it lightly between your fingers, you felt your sense of direction returning to you, as well as your confidence. Clown or no clown, you had to get home soon.
Darkness had fallen by the time you exited the forest and climbed the small stone steps leading to your aunt’s house. You had assumed your aunt would be home by now, but a neatly wrapped package sitting on the doormat told you otherwise. You curiously approached it and read the small label attached to the wrapping paper:
Dear Cunt, welcome to the neighborhood.
Upon realizing it was a gift for you, you plopped down onto the pavement and excitedly tore open the package. The wrapping paper’s absence revealed a plain cardboard box haphazardly taped shut. There was a rather distasteful stench wafting from the thin material. Wrinkling your nose in response, you peeled off the tape and pulled the box’s flaps back.
Small objects immediately began pouring from the box, and for a split second you were convinced they were alive. Scooting back a couple steps, your heart pounded heavily in your chest as you came to the realization that the things spilling onto the ground were sprinkles. Wonder quickly replaced your fear and you crept closer to the package, hoping to catch a glimpse of what lied underneath all the colorful sprinkles. An image of the gleeful clown’s face repeatedly flashed in your mind as you tossed the candy aside and reached further into the box.
Your hands finally came into contact with something wet and sticky. You instinctively pulled them back, a shiver crawling down your spine as you looked over your now trembling fingers. They were stained crimson. You gasped in shock and flinched as the disturbed box appeared to move on its own, turning on its side to effectively release all of its contents. A dead animal of some kind splattered onto the pavement, fresh blood dripping from its patchy fur. Sprinkles were littered across its lifeless body, some red and shiny with blood.
You could feel your heartbeat thudding in your ears as a shaking arm, seemingly detached from your body, reached forward to grab the strip of damp paper sticking to the animal’s fur. Pulling the paper close to your face, your bleary eyes managed to make out the words, “Sup Cunt. Did your aunt have a cat? Gosh, I hope not. That would really suck, considering I just mauled the shit out of this one. Man, did I scare you? Sorry, I tend to come off a little too strong sometimes. First impressions can be really daunting! Annnnyways, I don’t think your slutty aunt would appreciate you leaving her door unlocked while you venture into the woods to perform satanic rituals, or whatever the hell you were doing in there. Just a piece of advice, Sprinkles the clown ❤”
Your shaking hands dropped the paper as you turned to face the door of your aunt’s house. While you were sure you had closed it behind you, it was now open ever so slightly, a thin strip of darkness visible from the inside. Swallowing hard, you stood up and began walking slowly to the door, vaguely aware of what you would soon have to face. You placed your hand gingerly on the knob and let yourself in.
It was completely dark inside, and you urgently felt around the wall for a light switch. The door closed behind you, seemingly without any physical prompting, and your fingers weakly grasped hard plastic as yellow light flooded the room. It was surprisingly devoid of blood—however, Sprinkles was standing by the kitchen sink, his back to you. He turned around at the sound of your hitched breathing, a silver platter with a large, appealing chocolate cake sitting atop it in his gloved hands. He smiled warmly at you.
“Welcome home, Cunt. I’ll admit my last gift was a little on the morbid side, so I figured I’d offer you something slightly more tasteful to make up for it.”
He took a couple steps forward and cautiously placed the cake on the kitchen counter. You simply stared at him, terror lacing your every breath and movement. He folded his arms and met your gaze, a somewhat sympathetic expression on his face.
“Alright, alright. I’ll be honest with you, kid.” He scratched the back of his head and sighed. “You’re probably the most idiotic human I’ve ever encountered. Honest to god, I didn’t think this would be so easy. Your aunt? An absolute shitshow. Fucking horrifying. I figured her kin would be just as difficult to deal with.” Sprinkles’ eyes narrowed. “But…it would appear that you’re either severely intellectually disabled or simply too entitled to deal with a murderous clown like myself. I mean, I watched you walk home completely unfazed by our encounter. Who the fuck meets a creepy clown in a forest? That raises a ton of red flags, pal. You’d have to be braindead not to see that.”
Sprinkles cracked his knuckles and reached into one of his baggy pockets, pulling out what appeared to be a pie knife. “You know, I feel like this would be an appropriate murder weapon in this situation. Since I’ve got a nice, fat, juicy cake right here. Do you think anybody’s ever been killed by a pie knife? You could be the first. That would be cool, right? A neat way to go out.”
Your feet were frozen in place as Sprinkles made his way towards you, pie knife in hand. “And after I kill you with the pie knife? I’m going to eat you. Yeah, I’m one of those killer clowns. The full deal. Got nasty shark teeth and everything.” He flashed you an eerie smile, his needle-like teeth glinting in the dim lighting. “But don’t worry, I’m not one for torture. I’ll make this as quick and painless as possible.”
He was getting closer. You had to think and act fast if you were going to somehow escape this situation. Otherwise the only things Sprinkles would be serving with that pie knife were your internal organs.
It’s decision time, kiddo!
A. Fight back. Little does Sprinkles know, you’ve been fully trained in clown combat. You’re not going out via pie knife if you can help it.
B. Seduce him. Everybody knows you’re a goddamn clown fucker, so you might as well own up to it. Sprinkles may be a murderous monster clown, but he probably has romantic preferences, right?