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“Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one…”- Yellowcard (I know the song is about something other than what happened, but this line is true either way)

Dear #@$%&,
I stand here hoping you'll rescue my heart which has fallen below my knees. But all I can get out is please. I tried to tell you once how you saved me and I fumbled over the words. Now that you are gone, the silence you have left behind rings ever so loudly. I've thought a lot about it and can't get past the fact that it's gone. It's all gone. Shattered glass and broken dreams. You are/were the girl of my dreams (literally) and I've driven you away. I just want to hear your sweet voice, saying anything but go away. I want to see you in the worst possible way. To look into your beautiful blue-green eyes. It's gone away all to fast; feels like I am drowning. Why did it have to be this way? Why won't forgivness come? I know I let you down, let me pick you up. I wish you could see inside my heart, or into my head. You would see how I'm a puppy for your love. Let me walk with you, hear the sweet words I have to say. Let me talk with you and we can help each other along the way. Won't you forgive me and please speak. It hurts so much when someone you love goes away and leaves behind silence. Martin Luther King once said; "Right before your death it's not the words of your enemies but the silence of your friends that you will remember the most." Let's not let this wedge itself between us. Let it ruin all the magic that could be. Count all the good things I've done. All the positive feelings I brought. How can one incident overshadow all of that? Can you honestly say that you never loved me? I know I can't. I fell hard and I fell fast. The pain will pass, but don't pass me by. I wouldn't pass you by. If you were thirsty I would walk all the way across a desert with a glass of water for you. If you needed me I would travel anywhere in the world to be there. If you fall I want to be there to catch you. I have an answer to your question. How you saved me? I already told you that if I wasn’t going out with you I would have been tempted to fall back into my old life of using a forbidden substance. I don’t think I ever told you that sometimes I would get sad, and that I hadn’t had those feelings since I met you. Well I had them once, but only for a short time. But the rest of the time I was with you I felt very happy. One hour out of 1,152 hours isn’t bad. (June 19-August 3)  You give/gave me something to believe in something to hold onto. You soothe me I’ve never felt this way, this calming feeling I get/got from being around you. You also saved me from being in a bad relationship. Our relationship was great. I've never been in a better relationship. I miss you. I miss us. I miss all that was. Today was supposed to be our day. And soon it will be my birthday and I don’t have the one thing that I want “You” You asked me what I wanted for my birthday and my answer isn’t any differerent than it was on your couch. Can’t you let go of the pain so I can let go of the shame. Can’t we live more good memories…
I hope we can, but after you think it through and decide we can’t then I’ll let go… “but there's just no one, no one like you. You are my only, my only one.”

I don’t want you to give up on me. I don’t want you to go. I told you once that “You are always free and I don’t hold you down.” If you want to go then I’ll let go. Cry my eyes out and try to dull the pain.

This letter is just my way to silently scream to you. Hoping you’ll see what’s locked
inside of me.

@#$%&
Thoughts are screaming in my head and this is my only outlet...
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August 4, 2004
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