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Ah Dear Friend if you only knew how much regret I hold inside. I'm full of shame and sadness. I wish I could somehow make you see inside of me to see all the pain I hold. Weeping Willow I'm so very sorry. Sorrow fills my waking breath and my dreams beginning, my dreams haunt me like a cancer all day. I think of all the evil I've done to you. You always were an angel. "Why am I an angel?" You ask. What are angels? "They are all around us, watching over us, protecting us. Sometimes we can't see them, sometimes they are in disguise, but they are there. They influence the hearts of those around them, they speak and somehow it sings like a song written to the soul. It sings of the Love it shows. "Love is the only engine of survival." As Leonard Cohen would say. Their 'Song of Love' echos inside those they touch. Some lucky few, even become friens with an angel. Like I was with you. The friendship would blossom from seeds planted deep in the heart. I wish I didn't kill the beautiful flower before it had a chance to emerge. You are a dear friend, please forgive me for the way I acted, and what I made pass between us. It has been the heavest weight I have had the misfortune to bear.
I try to express how it makes me feel inside, knowing I caused the end to such a wonderful friendship. A jumble of images passes before my eyes everytime I think of our friendship, I hope a clear image will emerge from this letter. Though all these words will always be "To little, to late." For the longest time I admired you. You gave the wisest advice. You became my wisest councilor and my dearest sister. How I miss all the words that would pass as time seemed to stand still. I sit up late most nights thinking of what could be today if I were not such a fool. I constantly think back to the last time I saw you. You were waiting next to the podium. I just got my food. I saw you and froze. I was overcome with so many emotions. Shame for causing you pain, anger for the ferocity which you wrote that letter to me just a view days earlier, and regret and sadness for the way I went about trying to get you to talk with me. My heart felt like it was in my throat, I couldn't look at you. I couldn't speak I turned away and walked off. Ahhhhh. I know you are wondering why I didn't say anything to you while you stood next to that podium. To be honest I don't know. I ask myself the same question daily. I was scared I had no idea what to say or do. Seeing you threw my emotions around inside me, so I... I ran away. Like a darned fool I ran away. I know it seemed so childish to hurt you then for you to appear a little later on just to have me run off. I was a child. I always needed to grow up. Well now I have.
I imagine if I had that day to do over what would I do? I would get out of line, the heck with food. I'd walk up to you; "A few words please I beg of you, if I may have but a few moments to express myself." I would inturn await an answer, with an uneasy feeling in my stomach like butterflies. The few moments for your answer to allow me to speak or not would seem  like an eternity. If you wouldn't allow me to speak and gave me the friendship ring back. I would have returned home with a numb feeling that would be left inside. I'd never forget you, you'd always be in my heart. If by some chance you to wanted to talk, I'd ask another question "Can we get some coffee or something?" Lord knows I'd need something really strong to stop my heart from poundin in my chest. Whenever we actually got to speaking.
"Sarah I... I can't tell you how horrible I feel knowing I hurt you. I feel worse knowing you cried. I'm so very sorry. To the point where I've begun to hate myself. It's alright if you hate me too. I just need to get all this off my chest. Of course you's sy something in response. Either "It's alright the deed is done Chris, I just hope your character is a little better because of this whole mess?" Or "You've always been such an asshole, these are just words they don't mean a thing." My response would either be "It is... it is... you don't know how much I've changed. I try... I try so hard to be better person. Or "Yes I am, but your an angel, these however aren't merely words. 'm being as honest with you as I was with my grandmother."
Which inturn would make you say "Good it's good that you're trying to be a better person." Or "Stop calling me an angel, how can you sit there and pretend that you haven't been a bane to my existance."
At that point if you said it was good that I was trying to be good. Then we'd be off to our road of friendship. However if you didn't then I'd say "I can't help it, however I don't pretend anyhting. I know I've been a pain right in the side. If you could look past that if only for a few moments. I just want you to know that though I've been a bane to your existance you've been a blessing to mine. Please always be that sweet kind person you've always been. Please give James my apologies for a few things, the big one being for hurting you. I wih you both happiness beyond words, wealth to sustain you and your future children. I wish you smiles and few tears. And also love, glourious, wonderful love... Thank you for these few moments beyond all words. Though we can't be friends again, I'm delighted I got to spend time with you. You always were such a good person. James is a lucky man to win your love. I guess it is actually called earning your love. Either way to love you and be loved by you is to know heaven or nirvana which ever you prefer to think of your love as. Thank you again." Then I'd walk off with a similar feeling in my stomach but not like the one I'd have if I never got to talk.
You always said I had the best intentions. You were mistaken. You had the best intentions, and the best actions. Which is something I lacked. You've been sort of a role model to me. I can't remember how many times during the day, something will happen and I'll begin thinking about you in my mind, in my heart. I think of our friendship and many incidents that occured, and I lower my head and close my eyes, and know I'm a fool. A clown whose very existance drove the whole circus away.
Sometimes I feel like a clown center stage, the spot light burning me up, the sweat pouring down my face, merging with the tears in my eyes. A rag in one hand stained with tears. A few rose petals in the other. I look out to see an audience and see nothing. There is a mirrow off to one side of the stage. I drag myself over and am horrifed by what I see. A relection of me, staring back at me.
I won't pass you over again. I won't take from you anymore. I'm sorry. I don't know why I was so harsh. You always were the sweetest, urest person I'd ever met. Harshness should never come, even if a person deserves it. Which you didn't. I however feel like I should get an eternity of suffering. I can't defend my past conduct, I can only say I'm wiser now than I was yesterday.
You've left footprints on my heart and I'll never be the same. Your so innocent, I'll take all the blame. Sometimes it hurts when I think of the many times I caused you pain. It also hurts when I think of the good times. For it is my fault there won't be anymore between us.
"Alis volt propriis": "She flies with her own wings"
You always have. You've always been such a free spirit. I am sorry I ever brought you down. Thank you for always having my best intrests at heart. I'm sorry I can't say the same for myself. If I had the whole friendship to do over, I'd change a lot of things, I would have been kinder a lot kinder. Please forgive me...
Chris
I wrote this about my friend Sarah after we had a big fight. I saw her later and ran away I was afraid to face her, it hurt too much at the time. Two years after the big fight we started to become friends again, so I gave her the letter. Here it is for all of you
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May 14, 2004
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