I woke up on a blue towel on the beach; I'm wearing a red shirt and pants. I climb to my feet and look up and down the beach, it seems endless. I began to walk up the beach. I stop to listen to the serene environment. The sea gulls fly by squawking, the ocean waves are crashing. Suddenly there is an eerie silence and Mae Lin emerges from the water. I stared at Mae Lin lost for my words. As she steps out of the ocean and reaches the beach she magically becomes dry. I was so overjoyed to see her. I finally gathered my thoughts together and spoke "I've wished for you to come to me for so long."
She began to cry "I've missed you." she said, "I've missed us."
I touched my hands to my lips then reached for her. I touched her face. She closed her eyes. I felt so sad at that moment. I guess she could feel the sadness growing in me, because she grabbed my hands and held them tight. I felt so befriended, so loved. I leaned forward and kissed her, she didn't respond she just allowed herself to be kissed. I pulled away from her grip. Once I pulled back she lunged forward grabbing my arm and kissed me. We kissed so deeply, so passionately. A type of kiss I had not felt in a while. Not since she was alive. She then pushed me back.
I stared at her trying to understand "Are you here?" I asked. "Here for good?"
She frowned and responded "No."
"Where are we?" I asked.
She seemed a little sad, a little frustrated when she spoke "Please no more questions can't we just talk."
At that moment my mind shut off and my heart spoke "I've been so sad without you."
"I know," she responded.
"I never got to say goodbye" I said. I must have sounded like a child, because I felt like one.
I know," she responded again.
"I... I love you." I said. Those three words had never been as hard as they were at that moment.
"Then let me go." She said. At the time I thought her words were a bit harsh, I mean she was the one that claimed true love was forever.
"I can't" I said, "without you I seem to lose grip. I can't see clear and don't know which way to go.
She put her hand to her chest. As if my words were causing her heart to beat so furiously that she was preventing it from beating out of her. Her face had the look of joy and sadness all at once.
"We went as far as we could," she said. "You need to move on."
I was so sad at the moment. I felt like I was sinking farther and farther in a hole, and each breath dug me deeper into the ground.
"I can't," I said. My voice reaching the point of a shrill. "I can't you are with me every waking hour."
She shook her head and looked me in the eyes and spoke "Life has other plans for you."
I was lost in my emotions I ranted like a mad man; "I don't want my plans to not have you in them."
"You're talking nonsense," she said "I'm dead! Life has no plans for me."
Exhausted beyond belief I finally said "Then I'll join you in death."
I never knew my words would ever have such an effect on her she began to weep bitterly. She looked at me through her veil of tears and spoke "My dear sweet love. Please don't there is so much good you have left to do."
I couldn't take it I wanted to be with her so badly I continued to rant "I don't want to do good, I only want..."
She cut me off before I could continue; she spoke in the tongue of an angel "Caine! Stop please... I know you love me, but you have to keep on living. You yourself said 'You only live once and each moment is more precious than the last.' The love you showed me won't die; it will struggle on in your heart and mind. You've got to bury that love inside of you and continue on your journey. And when you find that special someone, love then with the same kind of love that you loved me."
I was lost in myself, I knew she was right but I wanted so bad to hold onto the memory of her. I tried not to weep and spoke "I can't you are my one true love."
She looked deep into my eyes and spoke "There is no one true love. There are only people that are less right and people that are more right for you. The trick to love is seeing past the flaws, and loving with all your heart a person that is more right for you."
I began to whine as I spoke "No one I meet will ever have as good as a time as we did. We were perfect together."
"You are only remembering the sunshine," she said, "we had horrible fights. Though we didn't have many we still had fights. We weren't as perfect as you imagine."
She ran her hand from my jaw to my lips and back down the other side of my jaw than sat on the sand. I hesitated for a moment than sat down. I looked around then at her and spoke "Is this place real? Are you real?"
"I'm as real as you need me to be?" she said.
'As real as I need' I thought. I continued to look at her and spoke "Can you come back with me?"
"No" She said.
"Why did you wait so long to come see me?" I asked. I needed so bad to know the answer to this question more than any. I wanted to believe that I was really here.
"Caine." She said raising her voice. In that voice that she only used when I had done something wrong.
"Sorry" I said.
A silence hung in the air between us. I was afraid to speak I didn't want the moment to end. I finally spoke "I remember when we went to the beach together, it was night and we laid there and watched stars."
She smiled and spoke "We made love under the night sky."
I smiled too and said "That was one of the best nights of my life."
"What was your best?" She asked.
"Our first time together." I answered.
She nodded her head in agreement then said. "When we breathed in harmony, when we became one. If I had to choose a night it would probably be the night before you left to go to the other museum."
"The night I cried." I said. I thought of that as one of my weakest days.
She reached out touched my wrist and said "That night as we soothed each other's tears I feel in love with you all over. Before that night I didn't think that I could love you any more than I did. Yet my love for you deepened and ran as deep until..."
"Until! You said you'd love me forever!" I went mad again. The word 'Until!' ran through my head.
A little saddened she spoke "I do love you. I will always love you. But here love doesn't change anything. Not like in reality. It's just a yearning."
Again I let my emotions get the best of me and raising my voice I screeched "Some of the greatest treasures were created because great men yearned to make great things."
A little sadder she whined "I know, but I can't yearn for impossible things."
A bird flew out of no where and landed near her. She frowned and looked down for a moment. Then the bird flew away. She turned to me and in a low voice spoke "I don't have much time left"
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Away" she answered sadly.
"Will I ever see you again?" I asked.
"Maybe. But not until the end." she answered.
"End of what?" I asked.
"Life" she answered. No word ever had the sting that the word 'Life' held right at that moment.
"Does death hurt?" I asked.
"Getting there may, but death itself doesn't." she said.
"Is Daniel here with you?" I asked.
"No he is in his own piece of Heaven." She answered.
"Did he apologize to you?" I asked.
"I don't hold a grudge against him." she answered.
I was shocked, how can she not totally hate him for ending her life I yelled "He killed you!"
Frustrated she yelled back "I know. I was there remember."
I felt so horrible for making her yell. She was trying to tell me something important that would help me to cope and move on and I was just chewing up her words and spitting them back at her.
"I'm sorry" she said, "It's just that you can save a person's life but you can't prevent their death, a thousand doors open to it."
"Being in love means never having to say 'I'm sorry'" I said
"Will you say goodbye?" She asked.
"I don't want to." I answered. "Can I ask one more question?" I asked.
"Alright," she answered.
Struggling with my words I looked into her eyes and spoke; "In my nightmare..."
"Was that me, the same me that is here?" She said.
"Yes." I answered.
"There's no simple answer. I was in the place between life and death. The place between sleep and wake.... I didn't know you were there. You weren't supposed to see any of that." She said.
"Why did I? What did it all mean?" I asked.
"I'm not really sure what it meant; and before you ask the pain only lasted for a moment. As for why you saw it I can only guess that since we are so close and we were on a similar plain of existence at the time. That I inadvertently pulled you into my last moments of life."
I looked at her sadly and said, "I'm happy to know that your pain only lasted a moment. That nightmare still sends chills up my spine. I..."
She put her hand on my cheek and spoke "I wish I could erase the pain you feel from losing me
She looked longingly into my eyes and spoke "Say it please. You must let me go"
All I could say was "But...."
"Release me. I'm in a different kind of sleep. You can't awaken me."
Though I was saddened I said "Goodbye my love"
"Thank you" she said. She reached out for me, but she began to fade away. Her hand passed right through me. I closed my eyes then woke up. I touched my face I had been crying. My heart felt heavy. I climbed out of bed and sat up in my bed. I looked down and discovered there was sand next to my bed. Where did sand come from? I looked at the sand, touched my face and said "The dead never have the chance to express themselves to those still living. That is until now. She was here, whether it was the real her, or the part of her that is inside me doesn't really matter. Which ever version of her visited me that night made me understand made the cloud of confusion lift from my brow…"
I was holding on to the memory of her. Though it was true that the longer I held onto the memory, the longer I could relive the past. And the deeper the memory the more beautiful the memory would be. Eventually those beautiful memories would turn to deep sadness. I'd lose the ability to see the world as it was if I continued to live the way I was living. As long as I carried that heavy chain forged of sadness and regret, the harder it would be to move on and as long as the tears of sadness the harder it would be to fall in love again. I understood that I was alive and that no matter how much I wanted to relive the good times with her I had that I had to keep on living that those good times were gone and that I was wasting valuable time of my life dwelling on what couldn't be changed. "Every moment hesitated is a moment gone from life." I should have seen how I was behaving I knew that when someone longed for the past they would usually write or say something like "I wish I could sleep and never wake up." And looking back on some of my poems I had written at the time I did notice this theme throughout a number of poems.
I am writing a book. To provide some back story. The main character's girlfriend Mae Lin dies on the way to visit him, his brother whom is addicted to numerous narcotics, crashes his car into her's killing her and injuring himself, he dies later from his wounds. While Caine his dreaming one night Mae Lin pays a visit.