I suppose I walk at the pace of a centenarian. My feet hurt. My leg muscles hurt. I have no force really…and I’m cold.
What horrible trick is behind all this? What kind of perverse torture have they schemed?
Why did he leave me.. Unchained?
Could it be true?
After the pig had his brutal way with me against his truck, he let me fall to the ground…
That was it.
He had been behaving like.. Oh god I was so afraid but also so exhausted, so defiled that I didn’t care anymore.
I felt - and feel- so sullied.
"Do it and end my misery" I cried.. I didn’t wanna die as a diminished human being. I needed that last stand... But, did I really say that or is it part of my hallucinations?
To my surprise he had pulled me up. I was staggering, barely standing on my legs. He pointed a finger to a narrow path in the woods, just by the side of the truck.
He said I was to walk about a mile « Just follow that! One mile! »
I looked at him, I must have been like a zombie. He shook me and repeated his order, turned me around and slapped my butt so hard it pushed me forward. I heard the door of his truck slam, and his engine start.
I froze, expecting the bullet.
Then I heard the distinctive sound of an engine going rear, followed by the cracking of the clutch then the acceleration. I turned around.
I couldn’t believe what I saw: The monster had been maneuvering a U-turn in the narrow road and from there accelerated to vanish in the woods
He was gone.
There was no silence as the truck drove away. No silence because my heart was banging loudly. Because I realised I was plaintively whining.
Because it finally looked like.. I was alone?
Like an automat or a ghost I entered the forest.
I felt so feeble I walked very slowly.. The birds up above were singing.. The same birds I guess that I could hear from my jail.
What was this new torment? Was he going to run back at me? Was the torture a mental vicious trick to let me build hope and crush me even harder?My hands kept coming back at my neck: The heavy collar was gone. It was gone!
Are they .. Is his client somewhere in the woods.. About to hunt me like they do in horror films? Hunt me like a deer?
I would.. I would have no energy left to hide or run.. What if he has dogs?
My mind was rolling and rolling as I threaded along very slowly. Little by little, nude in the wild forest the sense of my filthy, stained, sullied body began to feel unbearable. I felt I was insulting the trees, the bushes, every plant by trudging along, by displaying my dishonored flesh, covered as it was with the remnants of my disgrace drooling down.
But I kept lurching, one small step after another, not daring to look around. Too afraid to meet my executioner.
There was nothing to see other than greens, barks, trunks, pulsating woods.. And my pitiful progression. The birds.. My feet on the grassy path. Sometimes a branch would crack. I closed my eyes, stumbling..Silently calling my Mom.. My godfather.. My god.
I was cold. I was thirsty. I dared not touch myself.. My disgusting body, his goo drying. My bruises. The acute pain in my heart. Was he going to run back,? Was the other going to shoot? Had something been done?
I have no idea how close I was to losing my mind..