Suffering from OCD and Clinical Depression
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JDNight's avatar
By JDNight   |   
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I didn't ever plan on making this public (only a few close confidants have been aware of this), but I feel now is the time I must say something, however small and ineffective it may be.

In the last several weeks or so, I've been receiving numerous comments, notes, etc. from people asking me to do stuff, whatever the reason is, for them (JazzBerryTigerCandy, I definitely don't mean you; I promise to get back to you within the week). Being too selfless and empathetic towards people is definitely one of my biggest character downfalls. Plenty of the time, I don't know how to say no, extremely similar in ways to the character of Wilt from Craig McCraken/CMcC's Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends. However, this time around, I need to put my foot down and speak up. For over a year, my obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder, something I've had since I was about 11 or 12, has gone through the roof (indeed, OCD is a very real disorder that affects my way of living on a daily basis in the worst of ways and is not synonymous with being a perfectionist as social media has incorrectly been abusing it in recent years). In turn, it has brought on clinical depression (my previous therapist, Sabrina was more than concrete certain with her diagnosis) - the third time I've dealt with depressive symptoms in my 22 years from the first time when I was 11 1/2 and had attempted suicide, the second time when I was 14 1/2 whilst I was dealing with a string of issues, including an unexpected diagnosis of mononucleosis and Asperger's syndrome. The difference is: this time around, I'm not suicidal. I'm grateful for that at least. Though I'm on meds and am receiving therapy. The meds had worked for about three months - from July to mid October. In late October, the effects started wearing off.

Since then, shit has hit the ceiling real hard and fast and life in general has become increasingly overwhelming. Things of note: My baby cousin, Athena Rose who was born seven weeks premature on 22 May 2014 was unfortunately brought into this world with some of the worse physical disabilities that could afflict a child; she's a strong kid for having battled through two heart surgeries since her birth. This past Thursday, 14 Jan. she was meant to go in for a cleft palate surgery and had been at the hospital from 4 am to that afternoon with her single father and my favourite maternal uncle; however due to an infuriating mix-up with her doctors, her surgery date has been rescheduled. Perhaps, it was a blessing in disguise in many ways since on that same morning, one of the most brilliant actors and badass human beings known to man, Alan Rickman unexpectedly passed away from a short battle with pancreatic cancer, aged so young at just 69 leaving behind his wonderful family, an expansive group of friends and co-workers, and a strongly devoted audience from his approximately 43 or so years of a fantastic stage and screen career. Yes, he may have been ''merely an actor.'' True, I didn't know him personally, but as an artist and the type of compassionate person he was known to be, he meant a lot to me and I can't say I didn't idolize him, even just a little bit. Many people feel the same way, so I'm precisely not alone.

In the last three days since his untimely death from shock to denial to it finally sinking in, it has only conflicted with my depression in worse ways than it was before, yet this isn't to say my mental state is directly related to it. His death has created a lot of unnecessary anxiety as I strongly relate it to my Papa, or ''Nonno'' technically in Italian (my maternal grandfather), who is about the same age and has been fighting leukemia for the last several years. As the news surfaced, I immediately thought, ''That could be him... That could be us.'' Leukemia may not be quite as much as a sneaky, merciless fucker as pancreatic cancer (as with pancreatic cancer, most people don't know they have it until its well into its advanced stages as the symptoms are utterly undetectable, at most appearing as minor stomach problems or flu-like, and even post-diagnosis, the survival rate is incredibly low; rapid decline from then on is persistent and plenty succumb to it within just 3.5 months whereas Rickman was lucky he made it to nearly 5), though like all cancers, the survival rate isn't exactly high either.

In other words, due to all of this bullshit, my mental stability is gradually deteriorating little by little. Crying spells are far more common these days and to simply put it, I need to worry less about other people and take care of myself. I hope that's understandable.
anonymous's avatar
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Vizen's avatar
I hope you feel better at the moment. Life is hard and frightening but there are also love, hope and many good moments to cherish. I hope the best for you and :heart:
Queen-Asante's avatar
Queen-AsanteHobbyist General Artist
In the same boat yaar. *hugs*
applejax79's avatar
sorry to hear about your loss. sending you some virtual love <3
on-the-jasmine-wind's avatar
on-the-jasmine-windStudent Filmographer
I'm sorry to hear. :( Hope you feel better hun. :iconcomfortplz:
GabiSaKuRa's avatar
GabiSaKuRaStudent Traditional Artist
Aww, honey, I'm so sorry.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm all ears, love <3
Pepper-the-phoenix's avatar
Pepper-the-phoenixProfessional Writer
You never have to apologize or ask permission to take some time for yourself. Everyone needs to put themselves first now and then. It's ok. Hug

I hope your cousin's operation goes well and they don't reschedule it again. I know right now you want to be alone, but if you ever need/want to talk to someone I'm always here.
JazzBerryTigerCandy's avatar
JazzBerryTigerCandyHobbyist General Artist
Of course that is understand able. I am not sure what to say to help comfort you, but I want you to know that I wish you the best, and I'm glad that you realise you need to concentrate more on yourself. if you ever feel the need my request, feel free to do so. Your art should be a way to comfort you, not a chore or to-do list. I am sorry you are going through so much right now. Also, because it is hard for you to say no, maybe you should post and your page "requests are closed" so people are less likely to ask you, so you don't have to say "no" to a person. If there is anyway I can comfort you please  let me now please. I enjoy talking to others. 
Dark-Crescent-Moon's avatar
Dark-Crescent-MoonHobbyist Traditional Artist
Sometime....most time when you are too sick, physically or even DO need to worry about yourself more then others. Running after others and worrying about them is another common reason many get sick. 

You just concern yourself with you. Don't worry about anyone and their own petty little problems and wants. Take care of yourself first.  :hug:
JDNight's avatar
JDNightStudent Filmographer
You're absolutely right, River. You couldn't have spoken a greater truth.

Thank you so much for your concern, love. I honestly hope this won't last long. :blowkiss:
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