Earlier today in a moment of frustration, I vented to my friend Jake about a mutual friend of ours in a private conversation. We said some really hurtful things about this person in our conversation. Later in the day Jake accidentally made this conversation public and our friend saw it.
I don't want to name this person publicly in case he'd not want me to (though I did receive permission from him to make this apology public). I don't have any sort of excuse for my shitty behavior... I'm incredibly sorry for saying what I did and honestly, I would completely understand if this person never wanted to speak to me (or Jake) again.
I often say to friends in my personal life that I want to be better. That I don't want my insecurities to rule the things I do and say, and yet I clearly still have so much work to do there. There's no amount of explaining about how something awful you've said about someone is really how you feel about yourself (and not about them at all) that would ever make this situation feel better for them. There's no time machine you can use to go back and make sure their feelings are spared from your own lifetime of conditioning to have a “hurt them before they can hurt you” mentality.
This person didn't deserve this. I could say a lifetime of sorry's and never make up for the hole I put in their heart. But I don't know what more I could do than say I'm sorry over and over again. I'm sorry. You should never have had to see that side of me. I honestly just want to crawl into a hole and die.
If they never want anything to do with me ever again, I would completely and utterly understand that. I don't deserve their support or their friendship and I hope they never feel as though they owe me either of those things.
I can't fix this, but I hope that at least somehow.... some way this apology might offer some sort of solace. I hope it does. God, I hope it does... I'm sorry.