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Ask Movie Slate - Norm of the North

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Ask Movie Slate - Episode 193

It seems poor Movie Slate is going from bad movie to bad movie lately. Hopefully I can give her something good in the near future. Hopefully. This one is kind of a special occasion, as I rarely review movies that are current, but this year has had some interesting movies worth talking about. I did it for "Zootopia" so why not doing the same thing with this one?

"Norm of the North" is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. I know that might come across as hypocritical, seeing as I just got done with "Shark Week" and I talked about how much I love some of the most terrible movies ever put together by human hands, but there's a difference between entertainingly bad, and annoyingly bad. "Norm of the North" is the poster child of the later. A movie that's almost entirely made out of white noise, threaded through some really poor and careless writing, and bathed in raw cynicism. There's no reason for this to be released in cinemas (which it was, not only in the US but also in Spain) other than to promote the movie itself, a movie that should've been chucked to the straight-to-DVD market. And even saying that is an insult to some straight-to-DVD movies! Any straight-to-DVD Disney sequel is much better than this! The entirety of "The Chipmunks" series were better than this! "The Smurfs" movies were better than this! Fuck it, "Foodfight!" was better than this! At least "Foodfight!" had Charlie Sheen and Christopher Lloyd in it, when this movie puts us through Rob "Deuce Bigelow" Schneider! I don't recommend this movie, it's atrocious, stay away from it.

The whole idea of having a "That's one Big pile of shit" gag based on that scene from Jurassic Park in Movie Slate's blog has always been rolling around in my head, but it was difficult to figure out what movie to use it for. I didn't want to use it for any of the Jurassic Park sequels, because neither of them are really all that bad (I refer exclusively to Lost World and III). So to hell with it, I am using it for this one, and I'm making a ponified version of Jeff Goldblum in the process. I am a huge fan of Jeff Goldblum, ever since I saw him in both "Jurassic Park" and "The Fly", and I hope to have his ponified version around for future updates. Because Jeff Goldblum is awesome.

I hope you guys enjoy the picture!

Please, let me know what you think of it in the comments. I appreciate each and every single one I receive.

Thank you!

You can check the update on Movie Slate's blog right here.

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Comments74
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POLE7645's avatar
I've seen foreign mockbusters that looked better than this movie.
jamescorck's avatar
Same here! At least those mockbusters are blissfully short and don't make it into theatres. This one did. How did we allow this?
jamescorck's avatar
You know that much shit is a great source of heat during winter.
PonyTatsujin's avatar
...is it sad for me to say that I actually saw a few people order this movie at my job...?
jamescorck's avatar
It's not sad, it's worrying. This is one of the best examples of anti-cinema. Cinema that exists to give weight to the argument that cinema isn't a form of artistic expression.
PonyTatsujin's avatar
At least it was like...2 people. :T

Dinno WHY anyone would buy this pile of shit other than out of genuine curiosity.
jamescorck's avatar
Truth be told, I understand curiosity, but this piece of fucking shit doesn't deserve your money, nor your time. It's awful, despicable, and uncomfortable.
PonyTatsujin's avatar
Let's just hipe the 4 or 5 people I shoved these turds in envelopes to get their money's worth...

._.
AndyofIndiana's avatar
I'm almost certain that Norm of the North will be second only to Foodfight as the worst theatrically released animated movie of the 2010s and will be the the worst of its kind this decade to get a wide release.  I couldn't find any ways to make Norm of the North into a good movie, but I did think of how to add in a good element.  You can click on the link to find out how, or refuse if you think I'm being too crass. andyofindiana.deviantart.com/a…
jamescorck's avatar
I don't think Foodfight! ever made it on theaters. I've only seen that movie appear on DVD, never in the movies. It'd be depressing if that made it into theaters. I think Norm of the North isn't as bad as Foodfight! was, but it's still a cinematic abortion.
AndyofIndiana's avatar
I just did some research, and while Foodfight! was never released in American theaters, it was released in theaters in the United Kingdom and Russia.  It only made $73,706 at the international box office which is only $2,338 more than A Troll in Central Park made.
jamescorck's avatar
That's really sad, actually.

I didn't know it make it into theaters here in Europe. Maybe we're way too permissive.
XD-385's avatar
I still can't believe a movie like this only just came out. It really does feel like an obscure direct-to-dvd movie that fell into obscurity several years back rather than a recent theatrical release.
jamescorck's avatar
It was meant to be released straight on DVD, but someone must've cocked an eye at it and go "Put this in theaters! We must make more dosh out of this piece of shit!"
MeganekkoPlymouth241's avatar
Leave it to Jeff Goldblum to say an awesomely appropriate line. :D

But yes, Norm of the North is probably the absolute worst movie this year to date. Everything about this movie fails, and ironically makes me want to drop an A-bomb on the Arctic just to kill those goddamn lemmings...
jamescorck's avatar
Jeff Goldblum makes everything better. Any movie with Jeff Goldblum in it has an instant 1-Star rating from me.
Daiskida's avatar
Funny thing is that my local theater was showing this pile of arse for free and people were walking the fuck out, like all the kids they just left and they looked pissed as hell.
jamescorck's avatar
Holyshit, where they really walking the fuck out of a free showing? That's amazing.
Daiskida's avatar
Oh they were, but the funniest part I've seen this with a friend and next to him was this guy who had a similar laugh to him, so everytime this guy laughed I'd have to try and look back at my friend with the expression of "How the fuck are you laughing?! This shit is not funny!". The last time I had that happen was when I saw "Meet the Spartans" and the audience that was there, got up and demanded a refund.
jamescorck's avatar
Comedy comes in many different shades, including shit brown.
AJR001's avatar
Get some cleaners in here stat! :XD:
jamescorck's avatar
And someone call animal control, there's a bull with a lose sphincter dropping shit piles all over the place. It goes by the name of Rob Schneider.
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