My cup of darkness

To forgive, to forgive, to forgive.

It is quite easy to forgive.

For me it is, at least.

Look.

I forgave you long before you had the courage to ask for forgiveness.

And it didn't pain me much to forgive.

It did feel like I betrayed a version of my past self, but I knew it was the step I had to take.

I knew it was the only way to forget.

Some memories, I must admit, I cannot forget.

But most of the story that pained my soul, I forgave you for.

I also forgot you because of it.

I took all the steps I saw as necessary.

But you came to me and asked for more.

Hm.

More?

What could one want more than forgiveness for the wrong one caused?

What could bring one peace more than forgetting the fact that pain was inflicted, without a right, without cause?

…

You want me in your life.

Again.

That’s what it is.

Oh.

…

Do you realize how unfair that is?

What you ask for?

No?

…

If forgiving and forgetting is so easy for me, this should be too.

But it doesn't mean it'd be fair.

…

How unjust it would be to my soul, to let it all come back?

Why would I make myself relive what nearly had me killed?

…

Hypothetically speaking.

If I forgave, if I forgot, only one step would part us from your wish, from what we once were.

One large step, indeed.

…

Let’s see.

I sit with you, again.

I pour you a cup of coffee.

Neither one of us is now alone.

Not physically, at least.

We drink this cup of darkness together, as we once did.

Silence hits us.

The room becomes evidently smaller.

Tension grows.

…

What would you say to me, in this scenario?

What would suffice to clear out the tension you built between us, like a wall of fog that will not clear?

What would make me look at you as a friend, once again?

As someone who cares for me?

Someone who loves me?

You remain silent, yet you’re the one who asked for this conversation.

…

You do not know how to speak with me anymore.

I knew that.

I knew better than this.

That is precisely why it is only a hypothesis.

I forgave.

I forgot.

I did.

You crawled into my life after trying to find me in everyone yet found me in no one.

How ignorant of you.

Don’t you know you cannot find me in anyone, not even in me anymore?

It is only a hypothesis.

I forgave.

I forgot.

I did.

You asked for my presence, my company.

I had enough dignity not to let you come close to me.

Not this time.

Not ever again.

You did me so wrong, once.

And I punished myself for it.

I cried every single night, cursing myself.

"I’d be damned if I let you do this to me, ever again."

I forgave you.

I forgot you.

I swear, I did.

And that sums it up.

You have no place in my life anymore.

No second chance when the first one was wasted the way it was.

…

If I do not keep myself safe from you and all your uncertainty regarding me, no one else will.

And the cycle will repeat.

…

I will not let my soul suffer again, no.

Not for you.

Not for this.

Not for anyone anymore.

I will have this cup of darkness alone, as I always do.

And it won’t scare me.

It never did.

It never could.

My cup of darkness.

…

You know precisely that I’ve always been the strongest on my own.

Why bother trying to waste my time as if I have anything more precious than that?

So do not call me, do not search for me in other people, for I will not answer and you will never find me in another.

…

Sometimes, this cup of darkness is all the Sun I need.

I have it by myself and my soul does not ache.

Look.

It isn’t so dark after all.

...

My Sun cannot set if I take this darkness on my own.

My light cannot dim if it isn’t my soul that you own.

You can have my past and all the sunny days I granted you.

But be certain that you will never have my future, for it is the Sun I take with me wherever I go.

I. L.

@Iviwrites