You wake up out of bed, get a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and head out into the world to do whatever it is you must do to keep the cogs in the clock of time forever moving. Be it school, or work, you must repeat this process for as many times as humanly capable. You've done it before, countless times, what's stopping you today? Well...It's the realization that what you are doing, at this current moment, could mean nothing in the far, and distant future. You have dreams of accomplishing great things once you get out of High School, and get that college degree you've worked so hard for. But what would it all amount to?
I feel this way right now.
I've worked tirelessly to get myself onto the Honor Roll, something that has never happened to me before. And now that constant stress of trying to stay on it is only adding to my anxieties. It gets to a point where it has robbed me of the one thing I enjoy doing most. Art. I'm not going to incorporate things like Algebra, or Fractions, or freaking chemistry to my everyday life. I would be making it big with ideas that flow from my brain to my fingers. I'd be sitting at a desk for hours, drawing courageous, war-hardened heroes, going toe to toe with horrid abominations from other worlds. I'd be writing, drawing, and occasionally, acting them out in my head. But the everyday grind of waking up, learning trivial things, getting a grade for said trivial thing, and trying to keep it as high as you can gets strenuous, and the ungodly thought of you getting anything, ANYTHING lower than a B- weighs heavy on the mind! You have to keep that grade up! Otherwise you won't go to the college you want, you won't get the job you want, you'll be near penniless, your family will disown you, and you'll become a worthless sack of human excrement for the world to mock and berate!
It's gotten to a point, where I do get a break, I don't feel like doing anything.
All I want to do is just lie on my couch, or my bed, and just whither away from the inside out.
I no longer have the motivation to pick up a pencil and use it for my own purposes.
Not to solve equations that look like some long forgotten alien language. Not to write a summary on some product of literature. No, I want that pencil to dance. I want it to make complicated shapes, and patterns. I want it to make complex characters, and fascinating creatures. I want play God, and create my own world!
But I've been feeling like I can't.
I couldn't find the time.
It's gotten to a point where I've been told to stop taking my drawing stuff all together, and to focus on work...
It's also gotten to a point where I don't even want to look at a pencil anymore, and the art I AM doing ALSO feels like work!
I don't want to feel like this anymore...
I don't want to feel like the world is breathing down my neck, waiting for me to slip up.
I don't want to feel like I can't do anything anymore.
And I don't want to feel like my art is a chore!
If anyone, ANYONE knows how to get out of the metaphorical hole that i have dug myself into, please, say something.
I need all the help I can get right now...