Twilight in Five Minutes
BELLA: I'm dependent, weak, clumsy, and appealingly feminine.
MIKE: Hello, Bella. I'm your self-appointed lapdog. I will love you and worship you and protect you from harm and never leave your side.
BELLA: Piss off. Your obsessive, immediate devotion skeeves me.
EDWARD: I'm gorgeous, dark, mysterious, and appealingly masculine.
BELLA: Oh look, something male and physically attractive. Hello, Physically Attractive Male!
EDWARD: (Spotting Bella) --grumblesnarlgrowlglower--
BELLA: Oh no! Physically Attractive Male hates me! Whatever did I do to deserve such unwarranted hatred?
BELLA: How suspicious and heartbreaking that he hates me so. Oh wellhe's beautiful, so all his wrongs are to be forgiven.
Here, BELLA is nearly smooshed by a car. EDWARD, however, displays inhuman abilities and SAVES her.
BELLA: Edward! You saved my life! I love you!
EDWARD: (Muttering under his breath) --Darkmysterioussuperpowerssnarlsmirkswagger--