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To Whom/What It May Concern:

I am applying for the position of Lead Torturer in your Destruction League Headquarters. I have attached my resume and accompanying media  for your review.

I  am going to have to put some of the photos enclosed into perspective. First off, I want you to know that despite the amount of blood in the first four photos, I am very well organized and neat individual. I cleaned that room up in less than twenty minutes and held another subject in there within the hour. I have a turnover rate of 15 victims per day, which I believe meets your  postings requirement of 10 VPD. I am also a trained surgeon with 6+ years in hostile organ removal.

My equipment needs are very minimal, as I like to work with my own tools. I hold the copyrights to seven devices, many of them designed for victims with higher pain thresholds and are well within Good Torture Practices.

I have included a video with some of my freelance work. As you can see,  the subject was able to clearly speak while being bored  in twelve different locations by mini-drills (one of my creations). The meat hooks were specially designed by me to inflict the maximum amount of pain while reducing the tear on the skin.

I am highly motivated and willing to work in any environment, and I am also incredibly independent. I normally work out a a refrigerated eighteen-wheeler, but I can accommodate to working in a more permanent environment.  Supervision under one of the senior partners is preferred. If I am handed off to middle management I will not hesitate in flaying them.

My references will be more than enough to help you make your consideration. Due to the nature of my work, most of these people know me by different names. The Crimson Death Squad knew me as Evisceraptor, while the Morgue Group put “Flay Master” on all my checks.  Most places will know who you are talking about if you mention Percy, though.

I hope to hear from you soon.
I've been having employment issues as of late. I wrote a series of these ridiculous cover letters to keep my mind off of things.
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:iconutaayu:
UTAAYU Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2009
I too know what it's like to write cover letter after cover letter after cover letter :faint: I'd write one like this, but I'd prolly send it by accident. :giggle:
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:iconinsomaniac55:
insomaniac55 Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
That's why I save my creative stuff away from thew work stuff. Don't think potential clients would enjoy haikus or disembowelment stories.
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:iconutaayu:
UTAAYU Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2009
:giggle: hmmmm i dunno. I'd hire you :P
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:iconxcamix:
xCamix Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I sooooo like it! Last lines are simply great.

It's wonderful because is damn realistic. Really, I can see "Percy" sending this letter. It's all written in a so serious language it makes think you that something similar could exist.
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:iconinsomaniac55:
insomaniac55 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks.
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:iconxcamix:
xCamix Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure.
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:iconsandmanno3:
sandmanno3 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2009   Writer
"I am also a trained surgeon with 6+ years in hostile organ removal. "

I am tempted to beg you to let me send this to my next would be job, hahah.

Then again, I'm allergic to police.

My favorite from a child was setting up four blenders and shredding extremities off of bullies at my school, and sending said extremities to their parents in a canteen as a Christmas gift.
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:iconinsomaniac55:
insomaniac55 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Who isn't allergic to the five-o?

Also, the four blenders bit is hilarious.
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:iconthisisnotkawaii:
ThisIsNOTKawaii Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2009
This is sick. Love it.
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:iconinsomaniac55:
insomaniac55 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, my Dexter viewing paid off, sort of.
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:iconphoenixmemory:
phoenixmemory Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
:lmao: Percy. awesome.
Reply
:iconinsomaniac55:
insomaniac55 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I needed a ridiculous name. Seemed to fit.
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