So... it's been awhile.
I honestly. Don't know how many of you even care about me anymore haha. Or how many of you will care once I tell you all what I've been up to.
I didn't really mean to disappear at first... I don't think. I don't remember much, but I think things just got busy, and I lost interest in writing all the fics I had on here. And eventually that just turned into me forgetting about this account for a long time.
And then I figured out some things about myself that made me not want to return, for fear of rejection.
First, I'll just say that high school was very difficult for me... mainly the last two years. I went to a private academy where the work was extremely rigorous and taxing, and looking back, despite all the support I had from teachers and friends, it was not a good environment for me.
It got worse when I figured out certain things about myself.
When I was 17, I realized that I liked girls.
Since at the time I was still a Christian, it was extremely hard for me to grapple with. I felt horrible about myself. Disgusting. Like I shouldn't be alive.
Over time, I came to accept it. And I tried out different labels--bisexual, pansexual, etc. Then eventually I came to the conclusion that I didn't like boys at all, and so I am now proud to call myself a lesbian.
While I was still identifying as bisexual, I starting grappling with my gender identity, as well. "Female" or "girl" didn't feel right to me anymore. For a while I decided to try the label of "trans boy" (and got harassed for it...), but that didn't feel right to me either. It was like I didn't fit in the binary.
And then I found out about nonbinary genders--not being a man or a woman. Or, in some cases, not being fully
a man or fully
a woman. So I tried out different labels and pronouns with that.
I found that the general "nonbinary" label was the best for me, and that (interestingly) I was most comfortable with he/him pronouns.
I also ended up changing my name (which I don't think anyone here knew my birth name anyway).
So, it might be hard to understand who I am now. But I'm not asking you to understand, necessarily. I just wanted you to know that that is who I am now.
Aside from that, things have been changing with my mental health as well.
Over the past few years, I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, autism, and a couple of personality disorders.
The autism explains a lot of my life--my "weird" behaviors, my obsessions with certain subjects (such as HTTYD and Hiccstrid a few years back), the way I think, why I have such trouble getting basic tasks done. Knowing that I'm autistic answered a lot of questions for me, and I'm not ashamed of my neurodivergency.
The other stuff--the depression, anxiety, and personality disorders--has multiple causes.
One is genetics. My family is just predisposed toward all sorts of mental illness. It wasn't a shock when I was diagnosed.
Another was my high school environment. The academics were already really hard, and then I figured out I was a lesbian. It was extremely difficult being gay in a Christian school that treated my identity like a debate, and even now that I'm out of high school and in a more open-minded community college, it's hard living in my homophobic household. My online friends, for several years now, have been the only people I trust with who I really am. Not being able to tell many of my real-life friends about the real me was very restricting and discouraging.
And lastly... I've been discovering things about my past, and it's made me realize that I am actually a very traumatized person.*Warnings for discussion of teacher abuse, incest and child sexual abuse*
In the spring semester of my first year at community college (spring 2017), I was very stressed over my finals and lots of other things, and this caused some repressed memories to come forward. I remembered being molested as a child by someone I didn't know at school. The details were very fuzzy at the time, and it was only later on, as I worked them out by myself, that I figured out I had been outright raped by this person, whose identity is still unknown to me.
Later on that same year, I had more repressed memories surface, and this time I remembered a separate incident involving my grandfather molesting me. Again, the memories were fuzzy, but they were there.
Some other things that happened, that I have always remembered, was when a teacher verbally and emotionally abused me in the second grade, and when my parents would hit me as a kid. I haven't met the abusive teacher in years, nor have my parents hit me in years, but to this day I am still deathly afraid of people shouting at me and raising a hand at me.*Warnings over*
You may wonder why I couldn't remember these incidents before last year. Well, when you're a child (and even sometimes when you're older), and something extremely traumatizing happens to you, the brain sort of just files away the incident and pretends it didn't happen, until it believes it is prepared to handle the aftermath. Essentially, when you're a kid, you don't know how to deal with someone doing terrible stuff to you. But the older you might be able to handle knowing what happened better. So you just simply don't remember what happened until you're older. This is, as I have been calling it, "repressing memories." This has been documented many times in psychology.
Unfortunately, many people just take this as people "faking" their trauma. But they aren't faking. They simply can't remember. And that's what happened with me.
All of that stuff added to my already existing depression and anxiety problems. I will admit that these years have been very hard for me, I have considered ending it all many times, and have also attempted to end it before, though not for a while now. However, my online friends, many of whom are just like me, having been helping me through it all, and I have hope for a better future, even though it might take a while to get there.
I have a couple of other things, besides friends, that have gotten me through it all.
In the year 2016, I learned about the game Undertale.
I know I was late on getting into the fandom. At the time, I was still enthralled with HTTYD, and didn't really care for much else. But I decided to watch some Let's Plays of Undertale, and I really fell in love with it.
I loved the characters. I loved the relationships. I loved the story. I loved the music. I loved positively everything about it. It quickly became my new autistic special interest, and it has lasted to this day.
I love the characters.
The character of Papyrus became my all-time favorite character. His funny antics, his unending kindness, his unfailing belief that everyone can be good if they try, his desire to just have a friend--he was everything I needed. I loved him so much that I started unconsciously adopting parts of his personality into my own. I don't really know how to describe it--he's now a huge part of me.
Another character I love almost as much is Mettaton. I just adored his silly character--fabulous, flamboyant, narcissistic, but with soft spots. He was just such a lively character. I also appreciated that he could be interpreted so many ways. You could see him as a dorky goofball, or a sexy, smarmy jerk, or maybe a guy with some secret self-esteem issues that has a really soft side. Or even all of those things! The Mettaton fandom made me love every possible side of him.
I love the relationships, both the established ones and the ones yet to be explored.
Alphys and Undyne are my favorite canon relationship. It almost made me cry to see such a healthy couple not only become canon, but be required
to achieve the best ending of the game. Most girl/girl relationships on TV and in games end up broken up, or dead, or are unhealthy. But Alphys and Undyne were two wonderful characters who deserved to be happy with each other, and were. And I'm so happy to have them.
My favorite ship of all right now is actually not canon. But I really love it. Maybe you can even guess it. They're my favorite characters, Papyrus and Mettaton. I once wrote a whole post on why I think they're good for each other, but I won't go on about that here. I'll just say that I think their personalities go together well, and that they could build up and help out each other in certain ways. This has in some ways become a coping ship for me, as it never fails to make me smile and feel better.
I love the story.
Just--the messages. Everyone can be good if they try. Not everyone is perfect, but everyone deserves a second chance. Hope and love and forgiveness. The whole turning-the-classic-RPG-on-its-head thing by making killing and leveling up a bad thing to do.
The story of Asriel and Chara (the fallen human) was powerful as well. The trauma of becoming a soulless being, incapable of love and compassion, for Asriel, and the largely unknown but guessable history of Chara. And everything that came after--it just really touched me.
I love the music.
It brings out emotion in me like no other music. Death by Glamour makes me want to dance. Spear of Justice makes me feel determined. Asgore makes me tense. Memory and Undertale make my heart ache. The soundtrack can calm me down from an anxiety attack like no other. Toby Fox is truly a masterful composer.
Undertale, in general, has done for me what nothing else has, and that's bringing me happiness when I can't feel it at any other time.
It's why I've kept up writing. I switched from HTTYD to Undertale and I've written so much for UT now. Mostly gay shippy stuff, but I have a few others as well.
My main project at this point is a fic I'm writing in order to cope with the things that happened to me as a kid. It's about two monsters who are severely traumatized, but who don't tell anyone else about how they're suffering, and it's hurting them. The story involves them becoming friends, finally being open with each other about their suffering, recovering from their suffering, and falling in love. The main ship is Papyton. It involves a lot of projecting onto characters, but I've gotten some good reviews on it so far. It just deals with really heavy stuff lots of trigger warnings to keep track of.
Other than that, I also have two other big fics I'm working on, and occasionally I write one-shots. All Undertale right now, of course.
So... that's what I've been up to since 2014. It's... been a lot, that's for sure.
But I took a look at this old account today, and saw a lot of my old friends, and... I kind of missed you all. You guys were from a good part of my life. And I thought, maybe this could be a chance to reconnect, if you can accept me as I am.
I may reply to some comments on here, but otherwise, I have a new DA account at
(butchpapyrus), and I have a couple of tumblrs, papyruslesbian
. Feel free to message me on any of those if you want.
Otherwise... this account will forever remain an archive of the good times I had during 2013 and 2014.
I hope you all have been having a better time than I have.
And thanks for everything you all did for me all those years ago. I won't forget it.