I had to get this out of my system because it's been eating at me. I just want people in my life to finally understand this about me. If anyone is offended by the contents, that is not my intent, but I had to get this out there.The Rant
What I have been brought up to believe while growing up (by society, by the media, by nearly everything in my enviroment)
and what I feel
are conflicting. As a result I am, at this time (and for a long time now), a conflicted being.
I don't know what to believe, think or feel anymore.
But I know now because of personal experience that I cannot let anyone or anything influence me to be anything other than what I am
Who I am. What I am, how I express myself... these belong to me and me only
. So even though I don't know where this journey to self discovery will lead, I'm more than happy to begin because it feels like the start of my life, late though it may be.
I am often vexed by my own sex, and confused by my gender. These, I have learned, are not one and the same.
Being in this body which is female by birth does not bother me (too much) until the glaring physical differences between the sexes are somehow pointed out to me. This often happens when I am in public (observing people, and how others react to me), by certain individuals or just when trying to watch a movie/show... nearly everything I find caters to those who are stuck in the gender binary system.
Why are we portrayed so differently? Are we really that different? Why can't we be treated the same?
We aren't just pieces of meat. I don't like the idea of decorating myself to attract others and gain acceptance. This is what certain individuals and often the media makes me think.
I hate it. I dislike the idea of women having to get 'dolled up'. Dolled up? What's with that expression anyway?
Why should we have long hair, wear makeup and dresses and act a certain way to be socially accepted?
When I got to a certain age, I really started to notice this - and even actively went along with it because it was easier than going against it. It's a sad truth but most people will treat you differently based on how you present yourself to the world, and unfortunately that means we are often expected to look "attractive" & fit a certain image. But honestly who gives a f***?
Okay. Okay. I know I need to take a step back and calm down here. I know that there are other (more welcome) opinions and open minded individuals out there. But everywhere I look, I see that we are obsessed with making women and men be a certain way.
I'm not exposed to gender-equal-mindedness as much as I would like, and as much as I NEED for the sake of my own sanity.
I have some wonderful individuals in my life who are accepting and just amazing people. But the world needs more people like them.Must I Really?
I never want to hear comments like "girls should have long hair" or "girls should take care of their weight"- or 'girls should' anything! Not ever again. Why just girls then? Hmm?
We (male, female or otherwise) should all do what we
feel is RIGHT FOR US
. Not what society says is right based on your gender (or background).
Why can't people get it through their heads that comments like "girls should" or "boys should" are quite hurtful? What Am I?
Am I just different? Maybe I'm born the wrong gender, but I don't think that's the case. There should be no difference. I don't care what's in my pants so you shouldn't either. It's not like I care what's in yours.
I can't identify with the majority of women, and yet I can't identify with the majority of men either.
Oh the irony...alas I am drawn to both (though way more so women, and only a very few select men).
I often ask myself 'why'... There is obviously some difference that I
am perceiving as well. What is the difference between men and women that causes me to be attracted more to one than the other?
And what of the in-between?To Each Their Own
I really am drawn to people who are conscious of cleanliness and hygiene, and take better care of themselves. This is a quality I feel is very important and thus I am attracted to it.
I cannot, for example, be attracted to someone who is not hygenic, and who does not take good care of their body. I too need to take better care of my body, and not because I want to look like the women in magazines (I don't, actually. Quite the opposite I only want to be healthy... and handsome).
There are people out there who would call me a germophobe (and I would not want to date you, my immune system can't handle what you have to dish out).
And yet there are others who would dub me a slob (and since they'd probably be right, I would learn to be more attentive to meet their needs and live better as well, for both of us).
I enjoy the company of those who are intellectually superior (and yet humble about it. Nothing worse than someone who thinks they're smarter than everyone else... and won't shut up about it).
Why? I like being challenged, learning new things - and since I learn through observation it helps me better myself. I have a long way to go and that's fine, I love the journey, and I love it all the more with company to share it with.
Everyone is different, we all have our hangups and our needs. Sometimes those hangups and needs prevent us from being compatible, and that's nothing to cry over. We are who we are.My Complex
When people approach me for my physical appearance, it bothers me.
Honestly? I don't
think I'm good looking and I really don't care if you do
. So just don't bother saying it (subtext; keep it in your pants).
To me, saying "You look good" is the equivelant to "I'm talking to you because you look good" or even worse "I just want in your pants" or "you have something I want". If you aren't thinking about how I look, why mention it? And why would you think of it? If your intentions aren't pure and if you have nothing else to talk to me about, don't bother talking to me.
I don't like to hear people say anything about my physical appearance, because it's shallow and makes me feel BAD even if it was intended as a compliment. Beauty fades (not that I possess it to begin with), and I think it would be really sad if that were the reason people talked to me. If my personality is bad, fine, I can deal with that. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who's only thinking with their crotch. I don't need to be with someone to be happy.
When a man says "you're beautiful" or any other form of physical (and gender oriented) 'compliment', it creeps me out, and it makes me feel disgusted. To me, it feels wrong somehow. It doesn't feel like a compliment, instead it feels like a threat. Comments like those also automatically make me question people's motives. For example; why even talk to me if you have nothing more to say? What do you want from me? What do you hope to gain by saying things like that? (Compliments I've received from interested female parties have always been more thought out. They took the time to know me first, you see).
Guys, kindly please realize that you're doing harm instead of good.
How about a nice chat about something interesting instead? There are so many topics you can pick from- but why- WHY- would someone repeatedly choose to go with topics about how I'm dressed or how I look? It has become somewhat of a complex, and it's driving me nuts. I don't want to obsess over such stupid things and finally had enough- had to blurt this all out for the world to see.
Science, history, art, music, books, the latest video games (or even the tried and true ones) - these interest me far more than foolish attempts to gain my favor with shallow comments.
I can't be bought or won over with gifts and flattery, so please don't even bother if that's what you're thinking (this goes out to the people who still think this of me).Friendship
Good friends will tell you when you are at your worst, and they can ACCEPT you when you are at your worst. And if you are a good friend, then you can take their criticism and accept it.
You can think it over without taking offense, and you can then choose to improve/get back on your feet... or not. But why would you choose not to?
Bad friends will suck up to you when you're at your best and put you down & ditch you when you are at your worst. There is a difference, it's important to know where to draw the line.
I can always trust my good friends to tell me if I am doing something self-destructive, and I in turn provide the same.My Truth
I guess I dislike fakeness and falseness in general.
Gender is one of those things; to me, it seems and feels fake. It's often laughable and gaudy, demeaning and also two-dimensional.Is it a Fetish?
I've obsessed over crossdressing/genderbending as a genre for more than half my life (in books, manga, movies/shows etc) because I've been trying to find a character I can relate to...
But most of the characters involved still behave as their assigned sex, and it just feels wrong. It is, in these stories, a cosmetic (and often not a convincing) change. I'm not saying I want to see women acting like the typical man or vice versa, but I'd like to see them not behave in such a disgustingly stereotypical way.
Usually, the purpose of the crossdressing/genderbending is questionable at best. This genre is a double egded sword to someone like me.
It would be great to just see more strong, 'able to stand on their own two feet and grasp their fate with their own two hands' type female characters. Who aren't showy in the typical female way, who don't run around fighting in bits of string/cloth.
I also want to see more male characters who don't just obsess over sex and/or fighting & building muscle. Certainly not all men are like that- in fact I think most of them aren't.
I love seeing a female character that gives off a cool and edgy feeling instead of a soft/pretty/beautiful one because it's something I don't often get to see.
I would also love to see more costumes that don't hug close to the body, that don't focus on... well... boobs.
Basically, it would be neat if men & women dressed the same and let go of the physical differences. And it would be great if we weren't expected to behave a certain way based on our sex.
I believe most of us are raised to be in line with one gender or the other from birth... if not by our parents, then by the rest of society. By the media. By our environment & the people around us.
But what if we could do away with all that and decide for ourselves?