The Dumbing Down of Love

I am seeing myself in two ways lately, and for as much as I've known all along that both sides are there, it's strange to finally address it when I've avoided it all this time thinking it wasn't something I needed to address.

On the one hand, I am a very public person. I love talking to people, getting to know people, and being engaged in my situations and surroundings. More than anything in that regard, I am a people person. When I'm being talkative and active with other people I am a sort of secondary person. I prefer to help other people, I like to make sure that things are going well for others and I want to push people to succeed as far as they can. When I think about it, the best way to put it is that I'm not a "main character" sort of person. I'm very easy-going, and though I am driven to get things done, I'm not an exceptional tour de force in terms of leadership and being the center of focus. I'd rather be the right hand man sort of person, if that makes sense.

But there is the other part of me, the part of me I tend to neglect and forget about because it's really easy to do so when you're in my position. My sister performed in an elementary school production of Beauty and the Beast back in April, and mom and I were talking about it a few days ago. She said that it was something I would have excelled at and that she wishes I had had the opportunity, because I would have been the lead character if I had. I promptly told her that I'm not a main character sort of person, and she replied that back then I was the loudest singer, the one always getting the music awards, and that I was different then than I am now.

To be honest, I don't think much of it, because I'm accustomed to not being the center of attention sort of person. I prefer not to be. But there is that part of me that dreams about being successful and winning big awards, and every now and then it comes out. When it does, I tend to fight myself over it, which is something I am quickly starting to regret. When that part of me does come out and I start wanting to push myself to be an individual and successful in my own right, I start acting differently.

It's not something I mean to do.

It's not something I mean to do.

It's not something I mean to do.

I have to keep telling myself this, because I really don't mean to. But when I want to succeed, my focus is on myself and nothing else. It's a horrible mix-up, wanting to be focused on myself and my work when there are people who are accustomed to my being around and other-centric. If this were the major issue, though, I think it would be an easy fix, as I can always tell when people are unhappy with me. However, when I'm focused on my own work and my own wants, it becomes hard to remember to breathe, to remember that I depend on others the same way others depend on me.

When that other part of myself wants to let loose and go, I become rude, snide, impatient, genuine, efficient, hasty, productive, and quiet. I turn into myself and become an insomniac, and things get done that are counter to my living healthy, making friends, being useful in the realm of immediacy, and talking to people without saying something I'll inevitably regret later. In a way, I become incredibly socially awkward.

In order to succeed, one has to make sacrifices, sure, but it feels strange to 180 like this, even knowing what it is. There hasn't been a happy medium for me at any point before now, and there's not been any sign that I've been getting any closer to one or the other being permanent.

And then there's the whole "might not succeed anyway" thing, haha.

This all came about because Nessa's parents asked if I'd want to live in LA after I'm done with college. Because it's an artistic center, it would make a lot of sense for me to live there, and I do have an affinity for the city, for as much as I know my parents would be horrified to hear I actually like LA.

It's all still very much up in the air, but it made me think, and when I start thinking I go off on all sorts of tangents in doing so. I have to be up in seven hours and I don't feel tired.

The other part of me is working. I'll try not to be antisocial in the meanwhile, I promise.