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after the dam breaks
the roaming river
reflects sunlight
a spring smile
as it embraces freedom

NaPo 2018, day 26. | Day 25 | Day 27

Needs work, but...5 am. Maybe later I can fix it.
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:iconsalshep:
salshep Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2018
Oh, I loved 'roaming river'.. it's probably a faux pas against some mysterious form to suggest this - but what if you lopped the last line off? I think the smile is way more effective without the explanation of that final line.
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:iconikazon:
ikazon Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2018   Writer
Tanka does generally call for five lines, though it's not unheard of to have four line tanka. I agree the last line's weak, but I'm not sure about ending it on the fourth line just yet. I'll mull it over more, though. Thanks for the feedback, Sal! :)
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:iconsalshep:
salshep Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2018
You're welcome, and final line aside, I just want to say the image is strong, and beautiful and surprising, which I think fits the ideal of this style of poetry.

iow, don't mess with it too much. ;)
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:iconnotmor:
notmor Featured By Owner Edited Jun 6, 2018  Hobbyist Photographer
interesting view of a dam break never looked at before from the view of the water and its freedom ;) (Wink) Clap 
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:icongallindz:
gallindz Featured By Owner Edited Jun 5, 2018
i like it just the way it is. Simple, but intricate is best! :)
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April 27, 2018
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