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Hi everyone,

Okay here we go again.... Uhm yea it's going to be pretty much the same as my old Journal post and yea I suck.
I really want and hope that this is going to be my last journal entry about me disappearing. ;-;

Why do I keep disappearing? The truth is I've come to a point where I'm not enjoying drawing anymore, it isn't fun anymore and I wanted to quit (but I obviously can't cause I owe a lot of people some drawings and i feel I'm trapped or something). No matter how hard I try to force myself I just cant really finish a pic like completely zero motivation and usually when I did manage to finish one, I just end up hating the result. It's becoming more of a stressful thing to do than it being fun. I've become really depressed and anxious and it's the reason why I have not been posting anything. I started hating myself to the core to the point I even started hating my ugly physical self and I just wanted to disappear in this world. I didn't want to talk to everyone because I'm scared and anxious about it. I'm afraid of getting
a lot of hate because of it.

A few of you already sent me mail saying that I'm ignoring you. I AM NOT ignoring you guys or at least I didn't mean to, it's just that I really have not opened my mails yet because I'm scared. Which is really really stupid. (And I think technically that's still considered ignoring? OTL I'm so sorry).

But enough of this negativity, the main point of this journal is to let you guys know that recently I have been feeling a lil better, I've started doing more personal projects (Please don't hate me my commissioners ;A; ). At first I thought that this will help me cope up with my depression and help me get back on track with drawing in general instead of just lying and rot in bed the whole time. And it did help! I started enjoying drawing again and get excited every time I hold my pen.

My friend Scott (who has been helping me a lot with my shitty issues, specially financially ;O; ) encouraged me to open a Patreon page, it's like a win win for me, I do things I enjoy the most and earn some lil cash at the same time. Bless the people who made that site happen xD
So yea everyone, I'm introducing you my Patreon page! It's about our project Elder's Floating Temple! We're making this happen! For now it's all just character sheets and stuff but once we reached a certain goal we'll be finally start working on the actual manga! I'm really excited!

Here it is -> ( *beware the page contains a lot of nsfw stuff 'o' * )

Now about the commissions, I already started working on it again, still slowly and little by little tho but yea I guess it's better than nothing? OTL I sincerely apologize to everyone who have waited for ages. Since I started getting back my normal rhythm in drawing, I'll try to update more and I can only promise everyone a quality art. >< 

I want to thank everyone who has been really patient! Thank you so much and I'm so sorry ;o;

Today I created a Facebook page to update everyone more with my works! I'll post WIPS and stuff and I will try to be active more. For now I will post commission pics (color sketch) since the beginning.

Here ->…

To all my friends here! Again I'm so sorry I have not talked to youl for a long time now, I'll try to make it up to you guys. >< I love you.

The following days I will post some of the things I've done the past few weeks which is from our personal projects and hopefully more commission pics.

So yea that's all for now! Once again I'm so sorry everyone and I'll try my best to give you more fun contents regularly!!

I also want to thank the people who have been very supportive! Thank you! ;3; /hugs

Have a nice day and take care everyone!

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anobouzu Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2015
First, I'm really sorry to hear that your depression and anxiety have gotten worse since the last time we heard from you. I hope that you are taking care of that and going to see either a therapist or maybe a doctor so that you can feel better. A lot of people will understand that depression and stress are not cool to deal with and just make things worse. I truly hope that you're feeling better lately and are getting the help you need so you can get back to a regular, not-as-stressful life.

Second, I'm sorry to hear that it was financial troubles that added to your stresses. Unarguably, finance can cause a huge amount of stress and unneeded scares in one's life. I hope that your Patreon will help with some of those burdens so that they are no longer as big of a deal as they might have been in the past.

Third, I'm glad you're starting to slowly enjoy drawing again - there's nothing worse than to start hating something you're talented at and you are extremely gifted when it comes to drawing. That's why you have so many commissioners - they would adore having something in your wonderful style. I hope that you can keep that enjoyment up and be at a place where drawing is something you want to do first thing in the morning again. I'm not too into original manga/stories but any art work from you is a pleasure to see so I'm looking forward to what you bring.

Speaking strictly as a commissioner, I've waited longer for commissions so I'm not angry or anything. I just get worried when an artist goes AWOL and doesn't update their client-base. Otherwise, if the artist provides some sort of update on a regular basis, I'm fine with waiting. So please don't be upset at some people - they may seem mean, but they're just worried about potentially getting ripped off. It seems to be happening a lot more on dA lately so that might contribute to the scare.

And both as someone who you owe work for and also wants to see you feeling better/enjoying artwork and life again, I'd personally recommend doing a bit of commissions and slowly chip away at them at a steady pace (and NOT taking any more commissions until you finish what you have or boil the to-do list down by 90%). It seems like the longer you have this to-do list on your shoulders, the longer it will keep you from ever truly being free to do what you want without someone griping about you owing them artwork.
As some other commenters said, commissions still are a business transaction and if your clients have already paid, it's now your responsibility to give them what they paid for. I think a lot of us are willing to wait, especially during your hard times. But it'd probably ease those who don't know you as well/are simply clients to just give them an update and show them that you're working, even if it means you're working at a slow-and-steady pace. :)

I really do hope that you feel better soon and that you can just go back to drawing whatever you want. :hug: Best of luck. I look forward to seeing more updates from you, personal or not.
ichan-desu Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you very much for you kind words! ;3; I'm feeling a lot better lately and already slowly trying to fix everything.
Thanks again so much! :hug:
anobouzu Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015
Of course, I really hope you feel 100% better in the near future :huggle: Take care of yourself!
ShinyDrago Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i haven't drawn anything for real this summer because of the same thing you're going through. i'm finally starting to get that urge to draw again, finally!
i wish you the best and i hope drawing becomes as fun as it used to be for you.
ichan-desu Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you! I, too, wish you the best in life! ;3;  :hug:
ShinyDrago Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Loli-Mitsu Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Im so sorry you are going through this :< and don't EVER feel bad about it. It happens to everyone! You do what's best for you and take care of yourself. :iconsadcraiplz:
ichan-desu Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you so much! :hug:
derpykaichu Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i always wonder how u send all the files personally to ur patrons u have so manyyyy TTvTT
gimme ur skills lol
ichan-desu Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Aw kai I miss u!
Scott helped me with the advertising on his tumblr xD

And oh there's an option where you can send the link to the files all at the same time in the patreon manager once all the payment goes through.
I just upload all the files on my stash and send the link privately ><
ArtificiallyAwake Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I'm here for ya if you ever need someone to chat to or blow off steam. We're all behind you!
ichan-desu Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you so much!
Summermist13 Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
*hugs you* WELCOME BACK!!! X3
ichan-desu Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
SAB1113 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015
Welcome back!!! I wish I could give you a big hug IRL. I'm sorry you were suffering so much - I wish you would have talked to me (us) so we could soothe those nerves and let you know that you're true fans and friends don't stress over the deadlines. We love you Ichan, and I look forward to supporting your project. I hope that you remain well, but remember I am here for you if you ever need me! HUGS!!!
ichan-desu Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Aw thank you so much Sab! And thanks for being so patient.
Sorry we werent able to talk more >< Maybe we can chat on FB?
SAB1113 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015
I'd love to chat and catch up with you! It's been way to long since we talked and that ain't right, hehe.
Jun-Chi Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015  Student Digital Artist
omgFrozen - Elsa Crying Icon the first part...
But I'm glad to see you going better Manaka Mukaido (Happy) [V1] 
graydama Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015
Oh thank goodness your feeling better! :D Look forward to your new project. ^ - ^
BlackKusanagi Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015  Student General Artist
Just glad to hear you're alive and ok. I am looking forward to seeing more on this project, so please, keep up the good work!
Dreamer-Out-There Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hi! I think I commissioned you over a year ago. I figured you forgot about it, or you were just busy or whatever. But long story short, I never minded waiting. I've been waiting over 3 years for some commissions. So this isn't really that bad at all. I completely understand. And I you are doing everything you can to take care of yourself first and foremost. I wish all the best man! Thanks for the update!
blacksun30 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Just take your time and don´t push yourself, I suposse people can wait a little more longer, after all you art is awesome. You should go and run, it elps getting tings out of the head... and from the round thing called stomach xD. 
Jillmeru Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Good. I was about to send you a note about the commission I was waiting on for nearly 2 years now, but this journal gives me a bit of hope again.
I'm glad you're enjoying drawing again and I hope your dream comes true.
I have to agree with what Darcise said down there. If you really cannot be bothered with the commissions, the best way to deal with it is probably to give the commissioners money back and you can focus on your personal projects again.

Anyway, glad you're back, if only for a while. I hope you enjoy drawing more now
Inconcabille Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2015
Thumbs Up Nothing more to say Thumbs Up 
We want no one any harm.
Just waiting and uncertainty are disrespectful.
AlbinoEisbaer Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Same here!

Agreeing on everything *is a person who's waiting for almost 2 years as well*
Jillmeru Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah, as much as I adore him, I cannot get over the fact he only writes journals when he needs money again. v_v
If I am wrong, then I apologize and I hope he gets well soon. But we spent money, too. We pay bills, too. So, if he really cannot be bothered with is and is feeling terrible about it a refund is the best way to deal with it.
LittleMissTerra-chan Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad to see you're okay Ichan! I'm sorry for everything you're going through and I wish I could help in some way. But I hope you feel better soon! I've missed you buddy ^^
however if there is some way that I can help you then let me know. C:
Ariesayu Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015
God, I'm so glad you're enjoying art a bit again! Nevertheless, if it stresses you out please don't feel bad for not wanting to draw. It's your right and people should respect that!
Onihikage Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2015
You do you, man, we can't ask for anything else.
Darcise Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015
Glad you feel better. If you hate drawing your commissions so much though, why don't you give your commissioners money back and this way you will be free of the "cage"? Just a thought.
iwaki-0 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
hey, we don't talk much but i've been following you and admiring your artworks for a long time now. 

i totally get what you mean though, dear. i was feeling exactly the same as you are for, what, more than a year of absence in drawing. just like you said, it was that feeling of not liking the thing you used to do anymore. so it's really frustrating. it was only recently early this year i managed to get through that and start loving to draw again.

so i do hope you feel better soon! your health is very important! and i hope to see more of your amazing arts in the future. i would also love to commission you one day, when i have the money. :)
JucchiShepherd Featured By Owner Edited Jul 28, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
You really need to keep on drawing, because you're amazing! And I so wish you, that you'll feel better soon. You've really reached my heart with this journal so I hope the best for you! 
Take as many time as you need, don't stress yourself and make shure, that you'll get better. That's all I really wish for. :3
Rythurmorn Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Man oh man I get that though. I'm really behind on commissions too and have been feeling the same way about my art and myself and it really friggin' sucks. I'm really happy though that you're starting to feel better and are finding some way to pull yourself out of the rut! I can't afford to support you on Patreon D: BUT I still support you HERE for what it's worth! Good luck in your goals and commissions! I wish you all the happiness and success in your endeavors!
therunningchicken Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015
Hopefully you can get the motivation to get back to drawing (I don;t mind if it is personal work since I never commissioned XD ), You have great talent when it come to art and it would be awesome to see more of your work c:
MissMangaDoll Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015
I know that feeling ALL too well. You just do what you need to do to make yourself feel better. Don't draw just because it feels like it's your job, draw because that is like your drug to you (sorry if that sounded TOTALLY weird) I'd say keep practicing and drawing on your own pace. I'm sure the commissioners understands that you have a life out there besides the internet.
The whole too depressed to draw kind of phase...I'm going through that now as we speak. In fact, it's terrible. So I know how you feel.
I'm sure they'll understand soon.
If not then they can kiss your bottom! XD
But I'm glad that you are doing better (even though I don't know you well, but I still care :love: )
Keep up the good work with your lovely art! You have a natural talent! ^w^
HatakeHime Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so sorry to hear how stressed out you are. :'c I really hope you start to feel better about yourself/your art. ;3; Opening a patreon is a great idea, and I really hope you get a lot of patrons! <3 Which I'm sure you will, your art is just amazing. :love: (You can take all the time you need on my comm btw, I don't mind waiting. c: When you're ready to work on it just feel free to note me, whenever! :heart: )
Wallicat Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015
Dude, you take as long as you need with commissions. <:I Your personal health comes first, and everyone deserves a break now and then!!
Destron23 Featured By Owner Edited Jul 28, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Awww sorry you've been having a rough time, but I'm glad you're feeling a little better. :)

Also nice to see the return of Wolfy. :)
KekeAneli Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey, it happens. I quit drawing due to college...and I was in an ART COLLEGE. >_> The only thing you can do is rediscover why you love drawing in the first time. It's hard, and takes time, trust me. :) I wish you all the luck and good to know you're okay!
Mindsebbandflow Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015
Awe sweetie, I'm so glad you are okay! I was really worried!!

And really don't worry about it, most artists go through patches like this, long term art blocks. Sometimes you need some time to work on it and that is completely understandable <33

Take all the time you need! I am just happy to hear from you again!
And please don't feel bad about yourself!!! You are such a sweet guy and I had such a wonderful time with you when we went to the aquarium! (Ignore the fact I had a breakdown from the heat and being tired lol, that and I didn't like people taking my photo while I was eating >.>)
I hold that time very dear to me!!! 

Again I am so happy that you are back! <3
Mrs--Hatake Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Wah I am so sorry you were going through such a funk, but it's so nice to hear things are getting better for you! :heart: I know you'll get many supporters on Patreon, your art is so amazing and you're just so sweet to everyone! I can;t wait to see some new works posted by you! ;v; I hope things continue to get better for you!!! :heart: 
Gojira12345 Featured By Owner Edited Jul 28, 2015
I'm glad you're feeling at least a little better. I know how sucky depression and anxiety are, so I understand why you haven't been drawing often. Now, I don't have a commission, or a real connection to you, but your drawing really inspires me to keep trying to draw, and better personalize my own style. So I hope you can find the confidence to continue even further. 
PotatoLordX Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Lacriette Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh its so good to hear from you!
I noted you so many times; going back and forth on my one commission;;
A lot of things had happened so I wanted to get it changed<3
I don't know when you'll be working on mine but i would like it fixed up since its been 2 years since it was commissioned c:

Either wya Im sorry about the lack of muse; I adore your art and so do many others! I hope you will get inspiration to draw again one day and be back better than ever<333
RaccoonFoot Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015  Hobbyist Filmographer
Nice to see that you're feeling better!
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