Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 6: Rodent - Whisper it in my ear-hole...
Whisper it in my ear-hole...it sounds kind of dirty. Certainly less dirty than say, whisper it into my navel. Or whisper into my dirt hole, which I just dug, in this dirt, right here. Plus you’d look pretty strange whispering anything to a hole in the ground and I don’t think the contents of your message would have much bearing on that casual assessment. You could be reciting the Gettysburg Address or Shakespeare’s sonnets in ASMR inducing tones, it wouldn’t matter. People see you whispering to a hastily dug hole in the dirt and they’re going to steer well clear of you. Which might not be a bad thing. It might even be a pretty good way to get some alone time, and who doesn’t need more of that?
Sorry about the late reply. Working on the backlog. 😅
Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 4: Radio - Eww. A cobweb in my hair...
It’s not that I have something against spiders specifically, but do I think they should be exterminated with the fiery wrath of cranky three year old. Now before people start throwing around terms like specist...speciesist…spist? I would like to state for the record that I do not discriminate based genus, family or order. It’s not about the them being covered in creepy little hairs. Or that they hide out in dark cracks and crevices waiting to strike. It’s not even about the copious amounts of butt string they leave lying around everywhere. My discrimination is based purely on them having eight legs. I would have been fine with seven, or even nine. But eight of anything is a definite deal breaker for me. I’m not a fan of 53 either, but that’s for entirely different reasons.
Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 3: Bulky - Turning the screws...
Screws… What can I say about screws? Well, they’re pointy. Kind of a strange shape, if you think about it. Pretty good at affixing one thing to another thing. Usually wood, but you shouldn’t discount them for use in other projects. If you want to attach a doorknob to your kneecap you can’t really go wrong with ¾ inch cross counter, laminate, corking screw. I’m not going to lie, it’s going to hurt. But I’m just here to provide technical assistance. If the pain persists, consult a medical professional. Now, if we’re talking about a heavier duty project, like say attempting to patch a failing marriage, then in that case I would abandon screwing altogether. What you need to do is get yourself some industrial strength, separation proof, Spousal Epoxy Adhesive. Use with caution, however. Eternally bound together isn’t just a euphemism with this stuff.
Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 2: Wisp - Secondhand sheet for sale...
While I more than willing to advocate for widespread recycling of used objects, there are clearly areas in which secondhand items would be best left to landfill. I mean, you have no idea where that sheet has been. He could have been an avid connoisseur of the stagnant puddle water down by the abandoned fat rendering plant for we know. But then again, maybe he was into periodically perfuming himself with the reclaimed scent bottles from Enlightenment era France. The thing is, we just don’t know. I think that if we are going to have any hope of making use from such an item, we are going to need a comprehensive list of ever place that sheet has been and what activities it was involved while it was there. If he can provide me with that kind of supplementary information I would be happy to take that sheet off his...body?
Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 1: Fish - The trials of retirement...
Everyone makes financial preparations for retirement, well, most people do, okay, so only Cecil De Wontner II did, but really, that’s just how Cecil rolls, and who are we to say otherwise. The thing nobody makes preparations for, not even Cecil, is the crushing psychological toll of a vast lifetime of mindless drudgery ripped from your aged and decrepit fingertips in exchange for overwhelming freedom and the dreadful weight of time stretched out before you, with nothing to fill it with. It’s no wonder that retirement is the leading cause of death among most living homo sapiens. So don’t follow Cecil’s terrible example. Take the time you don’t have now to plan for the time you probably won’t want later. It could save your life.
Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 29: Injured - Extreme Cyber Security
I suppose an exploding incorrect password system seems like an impressive deterrent for fiends from the deep dark web dimension, but it lacks a certain level of sophistication if you ask me. My system is far superior. See this rock here, this is it. The best cyber security money can buy. Guaranteed never to rust, short out, or digitally degrade and it’s completely hacker proof. That’s right, this rock is ransomware proof and immune to viruses. And the best part, malware technology hasn’t developed far enough to manufacture working Trojan horses small enough to gain illicit access to my rock, so it’s safe on that front also. Admittedly, it is a little susceptible to brute force attack. But who’s ever heard of a nerd wielding something so low tech as a hammer?
Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 31: Ripe - He better burn that rug...
Although to be safe, incinerating the office building and any other structure in a six block radius is probably the wise choice. I don’t think any kind of quarantine measures are necessary at this point but I’d have some sort of plan if things escalate. If the people of Bogis VII had taken such precautions, their planet might still be habitable. But some people refuse to listen to the lunatic ravings of a paranoid madman. If they had, they would have been prepared when Frank gave birth to a mutated fart that rapidly spread throughout his house, then the city and then, the world, all in the space of a sunny afternoon. But if they’d planned ahead for just such an unpredictable phenomena, their world wouldn’t have been abandoned to the Stank.
Thank you for choosing AbsurdAir, your captain for this flight is KaidokJ. I have no license, I’m considered legally blind and I’m easily distrac… Wait, what was I talking about…
But not to fear. There’s a good chance we’ll never make our destination, but since this whole flight metaphor is just a weak attempt at a humorous anecdote, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. Ah damn, I just shattered the illusion by crashing through the 4th wall.
Anyway, thanks for the watch. 🥰
I’m sure you regret your choice by now, considering this madness is basically what you signed up for, but since all tickets are non-refundable, welcome to Crazytown. Quarantine measures come into effect upon arrival. (⊙_◎)
On a more serious note, here’s basically the run down. Posting regularly (fingers crossed), free funny stories in almost all fav replies, and an intro to Kevin the Llama in the Llama Badge reply. Also, if you haven’t already heard, I’ve been designated Kevin Llamason’s official biographer, so you can check out what he’s been up to in The Kevin Chronicles. (Unfortunately “The Kevin Chronicles” are currently on hiatus, while Kevin gets a handle on his pinecone addiction. In the meantime I hope to experiment with a new format in the near future, so keep an eye out for that)
So that’s about it. Thanks again for flying AbsurdAir, and I hope you enjoy the ride.