I feel my emotions falling in a downward spiral,
My time to convey emotion becoming fleeting,
An abyss where my goals once rested,
Where a friendship drifted apart on poor terms,
It’s always on poor terms.
Even when they are good terms.
I thought only three out of twelve passed me by,
But then I really counted and…
I missed the six more that had passed me by,
A time I thought the wounds of war would heal,
But alas, indolence heals not the heart,
Ridden with a Guilt of a fault non-existant,
A mistake, Was it truly a mistake?
A bottle of emotions piled from building the walls and closing the doors of the matter,
A place of hiding, yet never safe, always warm but never on the inside,
A lifeless body is always cold, like my fingers,
a constant lack of red within and yet they’re always so on the outside,
I’m trying to find a road to walk upon, but all I find is water on all sides
And hair in my eyes,
I hide behind them and they pry into my heart,
Reassuring me of a mask I wear,
But I must cast away
I may get lost in a forest by walking through a forest with no guidance,
But no one will come to rescue me anymore,
Something I need to do on my own but isn’t achievable with this very method,
I need someone to help me,
Someone for a point of reference,
For the relativity, a map, a star, a beacon, a landmark,
Initiative is fleeting but I must let it take me forth,
Even when I don’t know how to take the first step,
Like I did so many times before,
The world outside the bubble has changed so much but is also the same one,
Things have come and gone,
Change is natural,
But then why?
Why can’t I cope?
The world that taught me all I know,
Couldn’t teach that one thing I needed,
I need to do it. I did it once,
I feel like but I had cheated, though,
The thought is irrational, however,
It might be the source is something else,
I know not
I know so little
Everything comes back as I still feel despite an emptiness,
The emotions yet do not cease, surging as sure as not,
falling forth into a calm pool.
I know I’m not alone. But loneliness doesn’t care.
The world is still there, no way to change that.
There is too much to say,
And time stops.
Time starts again.
Sometimes, being not alone is not enough,
You can have a hundred friends,
But they pale in comparison to the single,
The one who is always there,
Not only for me, for themself,
A place where I’m wanted exists, for that alone I am happy,
However, it’s missing something, like a machine without power,
I need a way to sustain this livelihood, to find the door I have refused to open,
Time will starve me, a thirst I cannot quench without blood, sweat or tears,
Tears cannot be shed without water, and the crimson water of me escapes,
I think not of my own will, it would leave anyway,
Much to the horror of others, my mortality stares me in the face once a week,
It brings me a pride, I am somehow proud of my pain,
Everything I have endured, and managed to strive on,
And yet, the last wound is still open, inexplicably paralyzing,
A reflection of myself, and yet I cannot serve the world on a silver platter for another,
I came to cry, hate, rage, and despair, once each.
One for each who tried to dominate me,
The tears were pitied, a friendship bloomed as it was severed
Spited the hated, a betrayal, or rather an abuse,
Stoke the rage of drama, an overreaction to an insult
Spiral of an argument and torn feelings, a battlefield of my own doing,
And a pit of despair and guilt, an expectation of the world, unfulfilled, accused, retaliated,
And yet despite the friendship not ending, never recovered.
Sometimes I give the world, but the world is never returned,
Sometimes the world is on fire but something is born from its ashes,
The world is chaos, changing constantly, yet remaining,
Sadness breeds sadness, but sometimes I wish it was the other way,
Words flowing aimlessly, none accused, none forgiven, all drifted,
Is it possible to drift back?
I maintain my silence often, but self-expression of words must be done, especially,
When I feel like I cannot reach for that utensil of art,
I need an out,
I need out,
Let me out,
Set me free,
Even if I don’t want to,
I won’t survive, otherwise,
A turmoil, unsolved,
A lack of steely resolve,
A garbage mess,
The path is buried,
There is no such thing as a perfect friend,
Only closeness, and hopefully,
It lasts long with great memories.