If I were to be honest with myself, I'd say that I feel like a complete stranger on this website...
I can't tell if it's just me personally, or simply the time lapse of things, but lately I've been struggling to make amends with...a lot of things, actually. As some of you know (or have known--geebus, who knows how much I keep talking about it), I've been down different paths of my life. When I first started on this journey, I was just a high school girl who went nuts on a lot of different fandoms, and this showed whenever I posted a lot of fanart for a few titles like Naruto, Rurouni Kenshin, and Ranma 1/2... Those were fun times, and I got to meet a lot of lovely people who understood my sense of humor, or just appreciated the different scenarios I've presented (crack pairings and all).
Back then, I didn't think my vigor for my drawings would ever run out. And then came the college years. I still kept up with my drawings, and some would argue that my better stuff came around that time. Yet there was so much emotional drama that I went through, and I feel like my creative output started to sputter. Fun fact: I also dabbled in writing, something that was more apparent at a different website. Me doing art became a luxury that I soon had to hide.
...Hide? Isn't that messed up?
Soon, whenever I would take out a sketchbook, I would freeze at the new page because my hand couldn't move. My feelings didn't work right anymore in the sense that I wasn't open to them; I didn't have the joy and freedom of doing art like I did back then. Instead, there was guilt and shame, more so in the fact that I couldn't present my work without someone close to me basically saying, "So what? What can this do for your life?" Unfortunately, the prevalent mindset amongst a majority of my family is that money means success, success, success. The same old debates of the past of, "What good is art?" "How can it provide for you?" "It's not a stable job!"
I've lost confidence and my own will to press on. Instead, I became muted, and an accomplice to my own undoing. So it wasn't a surprise that I would fail at something I had no love for. Curiosity and interest, yes. But if someone sat down with me, the girl who started college, looked in my eyes and ask, "Is this what you wanted?" they would see my eyes go dead.
Fast forward to now.
I'm floundering right now, but at the same time, I'm pissed off. At this point, typing this now, I feel most alive and more determined than ever before to get my life back. To get my passions straight, and to pursue them with all of my heart.
When I signed on here to look at the pieces from those artists I'm watching, I realized that I couldn't completely let this place go. I couldn't let you, those who remain with me and waited, and those who were kind enough to share their works and inspiration with me--I couldn't let you guys go. I honestly love this site, and I'm grateful for it for helping me find like-minded people to connect with.
I signed on thinking it will be the last time I do so, but instead, I find that I cannot. I cannot and will not for now. I may be surrounded by dead silence at the moment, but maybe...just maybe, I can inject new life to this account.
So...hi, deviantArt. It's me--I'm coming back.