CardinalHordriss

Open on Vastra’s house on Mayberry Hill. Strax is on a ladder, mending the roof. Jenny and Vastra are painting the woodwork. Hordriss is sat on the terrace with a glass of white wine. He has his feet up and a blanket over his legs. He also has a long scarf wrapped around his neck which appears to be the same as one of the 4th Doctor’s. Hordriss is reading a book – The Popup Kamasutra – Zero Gravity Edition. On the table next to him is a wine bottle with a Chateau Picard label. Hordriss stops reading. Cardinal Hordriss “I could brush the steps.” Vastra “No.” Pause. Hordriss looks at the book and then puts it down again. Cardinal Hordriss “I could rake some leaves.” Jenny “No.” Pause. Hordriss looks at the book and then puts it down again. Cardinal Hordriss “That fence could do with a lick of paint...” Strax “No.” Pause. Hordriss turns a page of the book and the puts it down again. Cardinal Hordriss “I could be cooking dinner?” All “No.” Cardinal Hordriss “I’m not an

Open on space. Cardinal Hordriss voice “On the planet Earth, in the days of the first Roman Empire a General on the battlefield would be accompanied by a friend or slave. In the event of the General’s victory in battle the companion would whisper into his ear the words – memento mori. Remember that you have to die...” The camera finds a vast spaceship. The camera slowly approaches the vessel as Hordriss speaks. Seconds after Hordriss concludes the vessel begins exploding from the inside. Cut to Hordriss walking calmly down a corridor of the exploding ship. He reaches the TARDIS and enters. Cut to the console room. Hordriss enters. We see a cute Cybermat scoot in behind him. He closes the doors and dematerialises the ship. Cut to an exterior as the TARDIS dematerialises while the surroundings explode. Cut to the console room. Cardinal Hordriss “Most satisfactory.” Hordriss takes a small, battered book from inside his coat and writes in it. We see the Cybermat bump into his

Open on a red carpet event in Victorian London. Various well to do snobs in dark and boring clothes enter the Ritz photographed and interviewed by journalists. Cut to the ballroom where a very dull fashion party is taking place. Couples admire various colourless outfits on mannequins around the room. Many feature strange embroidery. A banner above the stage reads – House of Arachne. A man surrounded by similarly clad models is speaking on stage. Host “Truly, conformity is the only freedom. Uniformity is our strength. But that doesn’t mean fashion has to be boring...” Cut to the red carpet as two figures in crushed black velvet hooded cloaks and masks exit a carriage and walk together to the doors. Cut to the couple arriving in the ball room and each taking a glass of complimentary champagne. Host “Conform with elegance. Conform with style.” The two hooded guests work their way into the centre of the room. One of them bangs a cane on the floor until the room falls silent. The

Open on the London skyline at night. We see a man and a woman walking down a street. The couple turn into an alley and quickly come to a brick wall. The woman taps on several bricks in the wall which illuminate. We follow the couple as they step through the wall. Once on the other side of the wall the couple adjust devices on their wrists and both turn into alien creatures. The couple continue to walk down the alley. Cut to a sign for Comercia Alley lit by a street lamp. We follow the couple down the alley as shop keepers and stall holders pack up and close for the day. Cut to the swinging sign of the Fallen Star tavern. Cut to the couple arriving at a garden at the bottom of the alley, next to the tavern where small groups of various aliens are sat at tables talking and drinking by candle light and warmed by elaborate braziers. Hordriss is at a table on his own with a spiral shaped bottle of blue liquid and a single glass in front of him. A barmaid comes round collecting

We open on a view of a lighthouse at night on a rocky island. The lamp of the lighthouse is off and there are no lights from the windows. The only light is from the moon. A fog rolls in from the sea. We see shots of empty rooms in the lighthouse. A broken door. Green slime running down a stone step. Dinner things on a table in the crew room. An overturned chair. A coiled rope hung on the wall. Cut back to the exterior. We hear the sound of the TARDIS and the camera pans away from lighthouse to see the TARDIS materialising among the rocks. Cut to the gang exiting the ship. Vastra “I’m going for a long, hot ba... Cardinal!” Hordriss exits the ship. Cardinal Hordriss “Ahhhhh... oh dear.” Vastra “San Francisco to London, just sixty years and five-thousand, three-hundred and fifty-one miles... and you’ve still managed to get it wrong.” Jenny “Is this even Earth?” Cardinal Hordriss “Of course it is... our spatial coordinates must have slipped a little that’s all. The linear

We open on a shot of Hyde Park. We hear singing and music as the inspector looks at an as yet unseen thing. The gang arrive. Vastra “We got here as soon as we could inspector.” Jenny “What’s the emergency?” Inspector “Look.” Vastra and the others look in the same direction as the inspector. Vastra “Oh dear.” Jenny “I wondered why he flew out the door after seeing the paper...” Inspector “This paper I take it?” The inspector holds up a copy of the Times reporting on the onset of the Boer War. Strax “I’m sure it will only be a small conflict... sadly.” Inspector “Obviously we can’t really drag him off Speaker’s Corner but if you could have a word.” Vastra “We’ll take him home.” Strax “I wouldn’t make any rash promises...” The music suddenly picks up in volume and the camera pans to show what the group are looking at. Hordriss is performing with 3 hologrammatic hippies denoted by the H on their foreheads. Hordriss is also dressed like a hippy in patchwork trousers and a