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Hey guys,
it's been a whlie, not only since I've written one of these bad boys but since i've really been around here and I didnt intend to be as distant as I am.
I want to tell you guys that it's because my laptop is still broken and i've only just managed to get another one (it's being delivered friday).
I wanna tell you guys it's because University os just hectic and if it's not one thing its another,
but none of that is the whole truth of the matter.
I've just been losing motivation to draw.
I wish I could start this account again.
I have so few deviations up at this point cause I keep deleting them but I wanna get rid of more.
I don't know what's wrong or if art for me, isn't the same as it was previously so I don't really know where this leaves me over all but I dont WANT to stop or give up, I just wish I could do more, produce more, but the loves just not there anymore.

When I get my laptop (Even though it's strictly for Uni work and lectures) I will put sai on and I WILL finish the trades I promised back in October, I'm so sorry that i've left you both in the dark and I hope you dont think Ill of me for it, you both deserve more than I can give right now and I don't want to do anything that's not got my heart and soul in it but it will be done!

Sorry again for my absence 
I do love you all
thank you for sticking around 

Larka~ :heart:
Hey guys, been a while since I wrote one of these
it's never been a secret that i'm not the most engaging with my audience I guess but I want to change that!
I want you guys to really WANT to follow me on here, to be excited by my content and I want to hear your thoughts on what you would like to see from me or my work.
what would make you more excited about me or my work?

be it;
actual consistent uploads
a certain genre fufilled
contests (tho with my small Audience participation is unlikely)
developing characters and backstories more
I can do for you
anything you want to see from me

I'm all ears and open to suggestions cause You guys mean a lot to me and I want to make you as happy as I can

Thank you

Larka :heart:
Okay so I've wanted to throw this out there for a while but it just felt too permanent if I actually addressed it. ( I have issues letting go of things no matter how small)
This Is gonna be worded a LOT more seriously than it is ..just when I write things my brain goes on auto pilot and ..well ..I like to feel I'm good at writting serious stuff. Just ..bare with me please.

Okay so, not sure where to start but I guess with.. I've not really been feeling my work recently, more specifically the type of art. This means my canine art. I love drawing canines, but maybe not in the same way I used to. The side of the stange coloured dog OCs to me are becoming a little boring and tiresome.

Now I'm not sure where this really puts me with the kind of work I'm going to produce in the future. ( I'm not that great at humanoid art and will not post anything I'm not happy with) That will have to be a wait and see kind of situation. I likely won't scrap the odd canine pieces completely but I am planning on slowing down those pieces a lot .

Now as it stands for existing canine OC's I have, I'm not quite sure about their future. I've drifted from most of them anyway and never drew them much more than a reference, they never had stories, bios ect.. I never did anything with them so the lack of love towards them probably won't change much to me, they'll remain to be unimportant and their references will likely to be taken down.. ( A recent update on this though cause I wrote this out a while back I just wanted to give it some time, My character 'Mika', he was part of a pair shared with Kouvinxx, after a conversation with them Mika will still live, They will be his primary owner, is free to re-design and do with whatever they wish. (( Just lowkey want him to always be the soft boi he is )) They said We'll just co-own that one character but from here on Mika is primarily theirs I guess)

Relevant characters to me, mainly Larka and Aiden tell a different stories.  Aiden will remain as he is, He will stay a canine/demon thing .. mainly because of the relevance in my life and the roll that form actually plays in my life. 

larka though ...I am trying to scrap larka's canine form completely .. I've been unattached to it for a long time as well as not liking her design anyway. I have a pretty hard time letting go of things so it'll probably be slow for me though but that's all ultimetely the plan here.

She as a character will stay but have some updates to personality and design. Due to me being more confident in myself as a person I have less I want to hide behind, I don't need to make myself out to be someone i'm not as much so ..she's hopefully going to adapt along side me . Bus as of now, she will stay as she's always been just lacking a canine version.

I guess that's all? I think i've covered all the basis and I just hope people are patient with me whilst I work on creating my own style for my human work 


Larka-lou :heart:  
Hey guys, I'm currently trying to rehome these 2 characters
I spent a fair bit of time trying to re-draw the first one so it was presentable to sell so I'm gonna be a little sad if she doesn't have a home.
They're currenty up as an OTA cause I'd like something? but Just kinda want someone who'll love them and use them ;-; here they are, I'm looking through my characters and seeing if anymore can be added but i'll update it if that happens 

please check them out.

Thanks guys 

~larka-lou :heart:
So this bean
>>>>>>>>>> :iconemotionalmuffin: <<<<<<<<<
Recently moved from her old account and recently started getting more into digital art and she's a natural ;u;

(also if you love steven universe hit this bab up cause i'm sure she'd appreciate fellow fans c; ) 

Even if you don't follow her, please check out her work and give her some love, she really deserves it :heart:

~Larka-lou :heart:
oh god i've been crying since this morning 
im just sitting in my room listening to the 'stand by me' cover by florence and the machine and crying oh god 
im having existential crisis
i have so much regret
i wish i explored more
took more photos
the album was barely filled
i wish i met more people
did more quests
i feel like shit
i know you can go back and do it all
but you kinda cant ..not in
Nocti's canon timeline  
and that's whatkills me
I (he) didn't really get to see the world
he didn't get to do much
all because I hate running doing sidequests ..i want to stick to the main plot, I want to just get on with it and I feel like cause of that ..I failed Noctis
like he didnt get to do as much with his life cause of me and oh god im a wreck
my friend tried helping me by telling me 'I just have to mourn him in my own way'
which was really cute tbh like he was saying it's okay to be this attached and that's so precious ;-;

I need so many hugs ..that game fucked me up

~Larka-lou :heart:
  • Listening to: I
  • Reading: Really
  • Watching: Need
  • Playing: A
  • Eating: Hug
  • Drinking: Right now ...
Honestly I feel shitty for almost abandoning this account but I promise I havent

what's going on is i've had to move in with my sister temporarily cause she needs help looking after the kids (4 of them ..between the ages of 6-9) so she can go to work ..this includes, waking them up for school, getting them ready. taking them to school, picking them up, making dinner, getting them to bed, sometimes it's watching them for the day 
and I'm getting no sleep
im sleeping on the couch and i've been doing this day in day out since just before christmas and honestly ..i can't deal with this ..but i can't say no cause it's not like she can just not work..she needs the money still ..

I just wanna be at home
with haru
having space
getting decent sleep 
just ..need normality cause im losing it 

She has no internet and idk when it's gonna be up and running again (im at home for the night tonight)
And no motivation to do anything
i don't have space or time to think for myself anymore
and im just losing my will to live omfg 

to add to it she's trying to go back on her anti-depressants and she's having such a tough time recently that she needs the company ..she needs somone there and as bad as it sounds ..that person she needs isn't me ...Idk what to say to her ..or how to help ..she needs someone that knows what to say .. and her 18 year old sister isn't that ..but I can't leave her alone when she tells me she wants someone there and no one else is ..even if it's making me lose sleep and cry at night because the stress is too much ...

I'mhome maybe one or two nights a week if im lucky ...and it's not enough ..
i signed up to help get through christmas ..not to do this long term
i havent been home to find any of my grades and stuff and by now i've missed the deadline i needed to apply for uni
if i cant do it ..i don;t know what im going to do with myself for another year cause my plan was to take a break for a year and go to uni ..I need normalty and routine and it doesn't get more routine than well ..schooling 

but basically
im still around just ...not quite myself still 
my counsellors call me tomorrow to see if i need 1:1 counselling and i've been waiting since october so I really hope they let me that point I don't care if my sister needs me ..she'll have to work around my schedule cause Im not missing this for shit ..I need this cause (im starting to cry rn omfg) I need that support..that outlet and I don't haveit in my life at all anymore ...
so much is going on I don't have time to process my own thoughts and it's getting so bad ..

im gonna leave it there but please just ..hold on.. im still here and im trying my best 
  • Listening to: I
  • Reading: Really
  • Watching: Need
  • Playing: A
  • Eating: Hug
  • Drinking: Right now ...
1- I really hope you all have a good holiday! 
    No matter what your beliefs or traditions, I just hope you all enjoy this holiday 

2- Who gave me core?!!!!!
Idk if you wanted to be annoymous for a reason but Omfg 
thank you!!!???
It was really sweet and I love you?!! 

~Larka-lou :heart:
  • Listening to: I
  • Reading: Honestly
  • Watching: Feel
  • Playing: So
  • Eating: Loved
  • Drinking: Omfg
...I didn't feel lonely,
I didn't feel abandoned by everyone around me.
Friends are either so distant or just don't care,
Family are just trying to pass me off to others so they can do their own thing.

I wish I could get excited 
I love the lights
the trees
the bright decorations
hot chocolate by fires
snow/fake snow in houses
I don't have any of that
Christmas has never been a positive experience for me
I never celebrated it due to beliefs until i was 8
and we only started when my parents divorced
then it was battle of who could look the better parent 
and now it just
no one wants to be here
they want to pass me off cause they don't want to spend the day with me
they leave me alone for over a week
come back for an hour  or so just to leave again

I don't have the company at all cause all it's either
my friends don't give a shit
there's always something better to do
there's someone better to see/talk to
or they literally ..can't be here

and this is all killing me right now

I need couselling but i can't fucking get it cause i have to go on 'self help, stress management' courses instead
which means i'm bottling SO MUCH up
I have literally no one i can fucking talk to about any of this shit
and I can't deal with this all anymore
it's becoming too much and I either constantly feel like i wanna cry or I just constantly am crying

and to add to terrified something bad will happen to me cause I just feel like it will soon but if it does ..I don't want to go out feeling like this...I don't want to go out thinking im alone, that no ones there, that they'd all rather I wasn't in their lives ...but there's nothing i can do to fix this

For christmas I wish that ..I could just get out
find somewhere Im loved
find people who actually want to be around me excuses all the time
no treating me like im second best 
I wanna be somewhere I can be happy ....
  • Listening to: The thought that my cat
  • Reading: Would be left alone
  • Watching: Without me
  • Playing: is literally all thats
  • Eating: Keeping me going
  • Drinking: right now ...
I haven't abandoned this account
i've just been going through a patch where i can't finish drawings, I'll sketch and sometimes colour them but ..Im not actually doing any full blow pictures and I can't find the want to post any of them on here
I'm currently more alive over on my Instagram
posting sketches, cats and all kinds of weird shit
so if you want
feel free to follow me on there

~Larka-lou :heart:
Today i went for my first ever interview 
for my first ever job and 2 hours later the manager called me back and told me the job is mine if i wanted!
it's not amazing
or anything I particularly thought i'd be doing but ..I FUCKING DID IT!

This does mean though I will be so much slower on my work so im going to do my best to get ALL the owed art finished this week so I have nothing in the way and I don't have to worry c: BUT I had to reset my laptop yesterday which wiped everything! off my hard drive ..I did transfer ALL my art files on a memory stick and put them back on but ...I gotta find the disk to install my tablet drivers first then hope it all works .-.

I mean's caused a shit storm in my house to a point i can't actually tell some people here but fuck ...

~Larka-lou :heart:
  • Listening to: SPACE DAD SHIRO
  • Reading: SPACE DAD SHIRO
  • Watching: SPACE DAD SHIRO
  • Playing: SPACE DAD SHIRO
  • Eating: SPACE DAD SHIRO c;
  • Drinking: SPACE DAD SHIRO c;
SO ..I did it finally 
I deleted my old account
deactivated it.
I didn't want to be tied to that name anymore
i just ..wanted to move on ..go forward
but that page
was everything I ever did
that was all I did as i went through my last years of secondary school ...that was my anxiety at it's peak
when I learnt how much art could help me see thing through
how much it could help me
I have very strong sentimental attachment to alot of things (I made a new kik cause I refuse to log out and lose my conversations with people that make me smile)
and Im happy that I finally moved on
but fuCc 
it actually kind of hurts
my computer got a virus last year which wiped everything!
most of the older pieces that were on that account we're lost forever
and I kept the account up for that
but ...I wanted to move on 
and it's all gone
everything ..every last thing ...If I made any gift art or trades on there afraid there's no going back ..but most of it's been on there for a year so if you didn't save it ...not my problem anymore ..

  • Listening to: Halsey
  • Reading: Fanfics ...
  • Watching: Voltron
Update from my last journal

I went to the doctors .the earliest they can book me in with my doctor is 23rd september so I now have to try and write her a letter and hopefully get to talk to her sooner and get a referal, but because I'm 18 I might not be able to qaulify with the department i was with previously (camhs) and a referal to one of those counsellors took literal months AND i had like 2 omnths inbetween appointments and it was frustrating cause ..I need them there more that that so i'm kinda freaking out without a counsellor right now .-.

and last night my friend went into hospital -I deleted this bit cause anyone that needed to know would have seen this by now so's only fair I get rid of it now for his didn't need to STAY up here longer than necessary- 

just kinda
even more scattered than i was before
sorry if i lack presence guys 
but I appreciate the concern on my previous update , it really means alot to me so thank you

  • Listening to: Halsey
Sorry guys
it's 6am
I havent slept, I'm crying, i just poured it all out on Kouvinxx (so she's gonna have one hell of a message to wake up to ..sorry )
and i'm just not okay right now
im just pausing everything for a few days or so 
I mean I'll probably still work on requests but ..just ..gonna be a little spacey 

I'm gonna ring the doctor and see if I can get an appointment, I really need to see if she'll give me yet another referral for counselling cause honestly, without it ..I'm really not gonna be okay for the next year or so

so just please
bare with me for a while

  • Listening to: Halsey- Control


THEIR EXACT WORDS WERE 'okay I read it and i completely agree with you about people being so selfish and only caring about getting free art. I personally watch the people I support and I like to see what you get by the time passes.'

like oh fucking kay ..that was a load of crap D<
  • Listening to: I won't ever admit to listening to heathens >.>
  • Reading: ..not fanfics psh
  • Watching: ..Voltron ...don't judge me
-Edit- AH so if you guys didnt know I had to re-take both my English and math exams ..Well i'm still awaiting my math results but ...I PASSED MY ENGLISH ..I GOT A C c: so happy with myself rn -

I got my college certificates in the mail today! 
I am now officially a college graduate with  a level 3, triple merit in Animal management and welfare
IM SO PROUD ..Like my family don't actually give a fuck but

look at me ..doing stuff 

~Larka-lou :heart:
  • Listening to: I won't ever admit to listening to heathens >.>
  • Reading: ..not fanfics psh
  • Watching: ..Voltron ...don't judge me
I caved in
I got instagram 
Probably won't use it much

So add me/follow me ..what ever you do on it if you want c:

Instagram: _HighClassTrash_

Also ..I have tomorrow to give in all my college work 
i have 4 assessments still left
RIP me 

Larka-lou :heart
  • Listening to: I
  • Reading: AM
  • Watching: STRESSED
  • Playing: THE
  • Eating: FUCK
  • Drinking: OUT
I cant remember if i'e told you this
and i've tried my best to tell everyone that I currently owe work to but as a public thing
I have to stop all work for the next week or so

I have until thursday to complete over 10 assignments for college
ive been working non stop ALL day and i've almost finished a whole unit ..and that's not even made a dent in what I have left to do
that and people don't actually believe that i can do it all and that kinda ...hurts abit xD but im trying to keep my motivation
so if im quite im sorry, College is so much more important right now and i have to prioritise what must be done and what can wait and im afraid is not priority to me compared to my education
I hope you guys understand and hopefully after the 24th i'll be back to normal c:

til then
Wish me luck on passing my course ^u^ 

~Larka :heart:
  • Listening to: I
  • Reading: AM
  • Watching: STRESSED
  • Playing: THE
  • Eating: FUCK
  • Drinking: OUT
You ever see an artist post about wanting to do art trades with people
but they say 'only people on my skill level (which is understandable and I don't blame them)
but you really wanna trade them
yet have no confidence in your art to even offer cause although you know you shouldn't take offence , if they turn you down you will lowkey feel like crap for a while ...
please tell me it's not just me that gets this 
I have huge anxiety about these things but at the same time i'm like
fuck yeah i wanna trade with you! ;-;

Wat do

~Larka-lou :heart:
  • Listening to: I
  • Reading: Need
  • Watching: To
  • Playing: Stop
  • Eating: Binging
  • Drinking: Haikyu!!
Okay, I might be slow on uploads or trades at the moment
i'm constantly in and out of both hospital and the doctors (or have been for the past 3 weeks now) ..tomorrow I'm going to have to go back to the doctors , im in so much pain right now it's ridiculous, i've been curled up in tears all day cause of pain and it's making drawing and moving in general really difficult, i'm hoping it dies down after this week but I can't promise anything

if I owe you something, im really sorry but I just physically can't right now so I hope you understand 

Til later

Larka-lou :heart:
  • Listening to: For
  • Reading: The
  • Watching: Love
  • Playing: Of
  • Eating: God
  • Drinking: MakeThisStop