It's been quite a while since my last journal entry. Over a year which is almost criminally long time. But I think I can explain myself.
This past year has been incredibly hard on me in a very emotional level. I started in a new school and it didn't quite meet my expectations. It turned out to be hard, unbelievably hard. I was kind of ready for demanding tasks in school work and such but I didn't expect that teachers would turn out to be really cold and unprofessional. Every time I fave a feeling that I have succeeded in something, these teachers immediately strike me down and give criticism that is not only mostly unfair since every work task is unclearly explained mostly getting explained clearly after the task is already done and every fair criticism that is aimed towards the staff and their teaching methods is treated with sarcasm and even insults.
This is made worse by teachers complete disregard towards my dyslexia which makes my learning a bit more complicated when compared to other people. It takes more time for me to learn new things and new work terms and when classes are filled with new things new terms it would be very helpful at least for me to get the class material for myself so I can go these things over in my own privacy after school. This helpful thing hasn't happened even after multiple visits to our supervising teacher. So I tried to learn multiple things at once while trying to hit every single deadline at the same time. This burning candles from both ends didn't really work to me which lead to my complete nervous breakdown which started from our autumn holiday and lasted nearly the end of January. During that time I had trouble breathing, panic attacks and crying period that lasted the whole December. I nearly lost my appetite for food all together when even thinking of all those things that I was still trying to do for my school was a incredibly heavy weight that didn't leave me alone.
All throughout spring I was still suffering all the side effects of that breakdown and I was forced to ease on my workload or I would go the whole ordeal again. When the year finally came to this inevitable closure and summer holiday came, I was more tried than I had been for several years. I had struggled not only with my school work but with the staff which is the last thing I should be struggling with. I felt I was completely alone with my troubles and I still can't talk to my teachers since I don't feel they are willing to help me. I can't take laughs from my superiors. I already went through hell in high school and I don't have strength in me to go through that kind of ordeal again.
All of this has obviously affected my creativity and willingness to make any kind of art. I'm hyper critical towards any drawing that I make so within a year I have made maybe under ten pictures. When compared to my usual amount of pictures that I produce within a year, that's huge difference. School made me hate drawing as a hobby which is the biggest crime that any school has ever done to me since it's so dear past time activity for me. So try to be patient with me with my slow period at this time.
I try to complete my second school year with flying colours but if it doesn't work, I don't know what I'm going to do. My inner sadness is so strong at this moment