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-Vergessenheit: First 8 Chapters-

239 27 7K (1 Today)
By HennaFaunway   |   
Published:
© 2015 - 2020 HennaFaunway
So apparently you can't read stuff on wattpad if you don't have an account, and I don't want to force my followers to make an account to read my work, so here's the PDF of what I've written of the new draft: hope y'all enjoy!
If you want to leave a vote and comment on the wattpad version, too, it would mean the world to me: you can find it here.

writing, story and characters (c) me
Comments27
anonymous's avatar
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MzyLeRouge's avatar
MzyLeRougeProfessional Writer
PAGE 75 YALL 
THERES A CODE
GOOD FCKING LUCK 
HennaFaunway's avatar
HennaFaunwayStudent Writer
LOL
late-night-writer's avatar
late-night-writerHobbyist General Artist
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there is something wrong with the formatting of this (like where it used to show a flower there is only a really big 'a')
HennaFaunway's avatar
HennaFaunwayStudent Writer
OOPs wtf?? My new Microsoft Word is exporting all my PDFs wonky...good think I have good ol' 08 on my old computer. It should be fixed now
GinnakuArt's avatar
GinnakuArtHobbyist Traditional Artist
I would really like to read this, but the problem is I can't read english very well cause I speak spanish.
UpsideDownEntity's avatar
UpsideDownEntityHobbyist General Artist
bruh
HennaFaunway's avatar
HennaFaunwayStudent Writer
care to elaborate lol
UpsideDownEntity's avatar
UpsideDownEntityHobbyist General Artist
it good
uhmkitty's avatar
uhmkittyStudent Photographer
I've been following your work for years and become hooked again every time I read snippets or chapters. I can't wait to see what you do with your new characters, and I love that you're bringing in issues still in play today. Just a question, but where did you find those paragraph break symbols and how did you get it in your work? 
slycooperfan's avatar
slycooperfanStudent Writer
I hope that you get to publish this one day. It's absolutely beautiful.
HennaFaunway's avatar
HennaFaunwayStudent Writer
aw thank you so very much ^^
hannajosmith's avatar
hannajosmithHobbyist General Artist
Homeworkhomeworkhomework....annnnnnnnd....derailed. 
HennaFaunway's avatar
HennaFaunwayStudent Writer
oops
TheFloralTeaCup's avatar
TheFloralTeaCupProfessional General Artist
Lovely as always! I really enjoy reading your work. Your characters are charming and flawed!
HennaFaunway's avatar
HennaFaunwayStudent Writer
Thank you! <3
Wandererofthestars's avatar
WandererofthestarsStudent Traditional Artist
by the time i finished the Foreword I was already tearing up and saying to myself "....this is going t be hard to read."
because I've missed Sarah, I've missed her family, I've missed Saul and Benji.
I've missed this story so much.
HennaFaunway's avatar
HennaFaunwayStudent Writer
aw gosh that means a lot <3 I've missed them too
JoeyAktosh's avatar
JoeyAktoshHobbyist General Artist
damn those eyebrows are on fleek lol
LizzieRaeAdams's avatar
Henna,

You have an amazing talent with art. However, all these stories I'm searching for based upon your artwork aren't exactly on the web. Are they unpublished or not up on the web at all? I'm fascinated in what your books are about. My apologies if this is weird I'm asking but I am interested in what kind of books you write since I like historical fiction and many other topics. Once again, my apologies for bugging you,
HennaFaunway's avatar
HennaFaunwayStudent Writer
Well you can find all my published work on my wattpad: these 3 chapters are as far as I've gotten on this new draft, though the old draft in it's entirety is still available t read there too
www.wattpad.com/user/hennaluca…
Esha-Sirshei's avatar
Esha-SirsheiHobbyist Traditional Artist
I found this story in dA's "Undiscovered" section. The little thumbnail picture thing looked so whimsical, so I clicked.


So, this is going to be detailed as I can manage, because personally, I would like to know exactly what a reader is thinking and going through as they're reading. that's why I write comments/reviews//whatever you want to call them, in a way that reveals most of what I was thinking at the time. Sorry if it bores you!


The set up of the pages itself is very beautiful, clean, and it had me scrolling on. I also loved the quote. I love when quotes are in the beginning of stories! I don't know why. But if the quote is good, that can even convince me, whom absolutely despises to read and has a short attention span for literature, to read on through two chapters or so, even if those two chapters are boring.

PAGE 3

I have to admit though that page 3 had me a little confused. I wasn't sure about how to read it, and with what tone of voice, and what pacing. Pg. 2 quote got me into it, and then pg. 3 kind of throws me out of it. To me, it's choppy. The format at first had me thinking it's like a poem, but I quickly realized it didn't really work like that. Every end of the line I would make a pause with the voice in my  head and start the next line dramatically. But I still don't feel like I did it right. I was so focused on trying to read pg. 3 as I felt was "intended by the author" that I didn't even process the content of it. Now, this isn't to say of course, that pg. 3 does in fact throw "the reader off". I'm not all readers. This is just how I felt, reading it, so please don't take it personally :]


I did read pg. 3 of course since I missed it the first two times. This time I read it without any pauses and pretended it was just formatted like a normal story page. It's a very nice opening (especially the opening line! Those are important!).

"...in the steady birth of colour from what had once..."
Are you British by any chance ;3? I'm American, but I used to write words out the British way because I felt words like "color" looked very ugly without the "u". And if it looked ugly, it kind of gives the same image in my head. My teachers had hounded me for so long about it though I had to stop.

"...sometimes ambling and slow and sometimes as brief as the stanza of a song."
The double "as", I don't think should be there...? So...
"...sometimes ambling and slow and sometimes brief as the stanza of a song.
I'm no grammar nazi! I'm not an English major, so I don't know everything regarding it. I remember the teacher I had for English one time, however, who said something about the double "as"s people always use. Because there's already one "as" you don't need the other. I ignored her for awhile but after a long time, I've started doing without the first "as", and honestly, it just sounds really funny to me when people use two of them now. Something just sounds wrong about it. Maybe I should look it up though rather than rely on what I think my memory said... xD

I have to say, that I'm not a Romance reader. Pg. 3, to me, implies that it will be about Romance. And if it is, that's all good and great, of course. As a non-Romance reader, I just want to make note that everything positive up there that I've mentioned is what's convinced me to continue: the art I saw on the thumbnail, the formatting of the story, the quote, and the beautiful way in which pg. 3 was written.


FOREWARD


I'm a critical reader when I do read, and I jump to conclusions. The fourth wall was broken as the character spoke, and I pretty much never enjoy for the fourth wall to be broken. Buuuut I didn't mind it here at all, and yes, it does work, makes sense, and even adds more to the character, I feel. She has this sort of witty attitude to her. I loved it right away. I get this weird (good) sense of reading the life of a brilliant blogger who's found humor in her hard life.

"...crumpled napkins went in the wastebasket and not strewn across the floor, for God’s sake,"
Sorry, sorry, I just want to make this note. Is she actually addressing God, in "God's sake"? If not, and it's one of those sayings, then it's not capitalized. It's like when people say, "Oh, my god!". It would be written out that way instead of, "Oh, my God!", unless you actually mean, well, your GOD. No more grammar notes! Promise.

Aww, the Alzheimer's thing. This makes me instantly sympathize with the character. I think Alzheimer's is one of the saddest things ever :'[  . All you have from the past is memories, and it's what makes much of your life, but then this horrible thing happens and you start to forget those memories... She comes off as a very strong character though, to be kind of "eh" to it. I was like that when my grandfather had gotten Alzheimer's. He didn't even know I existed and thought I was my sister, but it never really bothered me. I took it in a humorous light. Gah, I'm starting to like this lady so much; I never really get used to protagonists so fast (because I'm so horribly critical).


"... I am no artist, no poet or musician,..."
I love how she says "I am no poet", and then goes on to prove she is... ;)


So far, I love everything, even the things I normally don't love (such as the breaking of the fourth wall, or how much pg. 3 threw me off). I'm in love with what I know of your writing style so far, and expect to stay in love with it! No doubts! I'm sure the protagonist will have her faults, but I feel as though I'll really enjoy her character overall anyway. So far, so good! =3




Now, I'm going to stop here for a bit. Once I read on, would you mind terribly if I continued to "review" the story as you see above? Is it helping at all? I'm asking because, if you don't, then I won't go into details and stuff. I'll keep to simple, short comments. I don't want to bother you, or make it feel like I'm being harsh (everyone has their level of criticism that they can take and I want to respect yours).
HennaFaunway's avatar
HennaFaunwayStudent Writer
Wow, thanks so much for the long, helpful comment: those are always much more helpful than simple compliments. I'm actually glad you pointed out the "Romance" aspect, because my novel is really not a romance at all, though it used to be. I'll have to tinker with that line to make sure it doesn't make the rest of my work seem like a corny love story. And yeah, I get why some people might be put off by the little intro--it's just my style, as I'm a bit of a poet on the side and like to work my free-verse into my prose.
I'm not british, but my narrator is, so that's why I've adopted the british spelling for this story. Normally, I type like a regular american haha
I'm very glad to hear you like Sara: she's a very fun character to write for, and I do hope you'll like her younger self as much as her elderly self. 
I'd be very, very appreciative if you continued with your review! It's unbiased and helpful, as I don't get very many readers who are completely unfamiliar with my story or characters very often, since I've had this account and been posting writing and art for the past five years. If you want, you can message me with your later responses, if that makes things easier :heart:
Blakmyre's avatar
BlakmyreHobbyist General Artist
I haven't finished yet, but I first have to comment on how gorgeous the layout is - truly professional - and your writing is superb. As someone who likes to write in my spare time, I am totally amazed by your skill and eloquence. The first paragraphs alone are enchanting! I cant wait to read the rest, you're awesome. 
(And nothing is cooler to me than a talented writer and artist.)
HennaFaunway's avatar
HennaFaunwayStudent Writer
Thank you so very much! That means a lot :heart:
anonymous's avatar
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