(I typed this thing out before, and dA would not let me post it, so let's just hope it will work this time around...)
Sorry for the long text in advance. You can just skip to the bottom for the gist of it, if you prefer. However, since my reasoning is pretty personal, I would love if anyone actually read this thing. I promise, it's not a sad text!
Recently, I realized something which I found to be really amazing, to be honest.
I do not like the way I used to live up to now.
I am pretty introverted, but a few months ago, I noticed that I do not want to live as a shut-in.
Self-worth was something I seriously struggled with. I always believed that nobody would ever see any worth in me, so I became bitter and a shut-in. I was withdrawn from reality, which I found to be cruel and unforgiving, and I fled into fictional worlds. I used to tell myself some fanfiction-y stories so I could go to sleep and I started to draw fanart.
Fanart is what got me drawing seriously six years ago, the year, in which I sat in my room for six weeks; filled with rage and sadness that I was too young to understand, and I tried to let it all out by drawing. It worked, at least for a short while.
But I am not eleven anymore. I am seventeen. I am almost eighteen, almost eligible to buy liquor (here in Germany at least haha), almost able to express my opinion in votes, almost able to sign my own legal documents.
I should not need a crutch like 'fictional' realities anymore; in fact, I should have ditched them way sooner.
Fictional worlds are actually cruel and unforgiving because the focus is always on the people who are special in some way, be it that they are chosen by destiny, that they are especially talented or that they are just the pinnacle of good or evil.
The real world does not need these absolutes. As long as you are yourself, some people will love you for it. They do not care if you are the main character, in the supporting cast, if you are the comic relief or the serious mentor. They only care that it's you.
You do not need to pretend to be anything you are not. You don't need to tell yourself stories to escape reality on a continuous basis.
Fiction, be it Fanfiction or 'independent' fiction, always goes hand in hand with pretty unrealistic expectations, which is completely fine, unless you find yourself drawn away from reality like I was.
I discovered that my life is wonderful and that it was pretty selfish to just shut myself in. Not everybody has the privilege to live in such a peaceful, protected life after all. I can go to school, I can walk the streets at night without worrying all too much (although some attentiveness is always advised imho), and if I ever get sick, not only do I not have to worry about who pays my medical bill, but I can also be sure that I'll have the people that matter most to me standing right by my side.
And I learned that I did not have to worry about people not liking me, because, while there may always be some critical people, there are many, many more who would support me and who actually, genuinely care about me.
I don't need drawing as a coping mechanism anymore, and I don't need fandoms as a method of escapism either.
I love my life and I love myself and, even more than that, I love the world and especially people around me, and while I know that my life won't be all lights and roses, I hope that I will never fall as deep into a 'phase' as I did with my fandom phase.
This account will only rarely ever be used from this point forward if it will be used at all. If you want to keep looking at my art, I intend to run an Instagram-Account (which is better for me in ways of accessibility as well as layout) where I will post (mostly) original traditional and digital art called "zemmely". While I do not know when I'll actually start using it, I know that I would love to see some of you over there as well! <3
I had a great time on DeviantArt, but I think I will move on now.
Thank you, all of you, so so much.