A "Revolting Rhymes" and "Rhyme Stew" rendition of "Rumplestiltskin" with Ratty from "Rhyme Stew's" version of "The Tortoise and the Hare". Wanted to pay a tribute to Roald Dahl, so I wrote this, and tried to emulate his writing style as best as I could. Please comment on what you think!
The town miller, away this please log,
was an egotistical attention hog.
He’d make up stories to impress his peers.
Phony secrets he’d whisper to their ears.
A dinosaur he recently saw.
alive as well was writer Roald Dahl.
At martial arts, he was the best.
He was a stunt double for Adam West.
But then one dreadful woeful day,
the king, was strolling past his way.
And for once, his tall tales would backfire,
as he approached the king as well as his squire.
“I have a secret you’d love to hear.
Please lean in close and lend an ear:
My daughter, not only is determined and bold,
but she can spin straw into gold!”
The king, as greedy as can be,
said, “Then at once bring your daughter over to me!”
For a cup of tea?” the miller inquired.
not yet realizing his lie had horribly backfired.
“Good Lord no!” the king laughed hearty.
“Nor am I inviting her to a party!
If your daughter can really do what you have told,
then I’m going to have a great supply of gold!”
The miller, as his horror grew
said, “she is knocked out with the flu.”
But at that moment, lo and behold,
out came the alleged creator of gold!
“Good gracious!” she cried upon seeing the king.
“What a lovely and beautiful royal ring!”
“And I million more I will soon obtain
from you who works with grinding up grain.”
Before the girl could reply, without sound malice
the king had her taken to the palace
to a room loaded with straw and hay,
and then he smugly had this to say:
“Alright sweetheart, now here’s the deal,
with which a handshake we shall seal:
succeed in your task and we will be wedded.
Fail to do so, and you’ll be beheaded.
“I do not agree to that!”
the girl cried and then she spat
right on his robes in sheer disgust.
The king then slapped her in her bust.
“That’s not an option for you my dear!
Here's the bargain, for you again to hear:
By morning, you either become my wife,
or you lose your precious life!"
The king then pushed her to the floor,
and then he departed and locked the door.
The miller’s daughter then said mourning,
“I’ll be decapitated by morning!”
But then all of a sudden, came a puff of smoke,
out of which appeared some pudgy little bloke.
He said, “Please pardon me, oh ma’am,
but answer this question if you can:
I heard your cry, and heard your moan
in this straw-filled room alone.
What makes you feel this simply dreadful way,
on this night, which was just minutes ago day?
The miller’s daughter explained her precarious situation
and why she was feeling the terrible frustration.
The little man then smiled and said,
“There is nothing left for you to dread!
There’s no longer a reason for you to mourn,
for if when the first child you bear is born,
you hand that child over to me,
I will spin the straw to gold for thee!”
And then the young girl saw,
a paper that the little man did draw.
“Just sign this contract.” said the little man.
“As clearly as you possibly can.”
This deal was one that made the girl pout.
But unable to think of another way out,
she reluctantly agreed to the deal,
and with her signature and handshake, the contract was sealed.
The little man then spun the straw
into gold, which the king he saw
the very next morning, and said quite pleased,
“I am glad that I, you have appeased!
WE will be wedded, you and I,
this very day, and that’s no lie!
The king and girl were then both wedded,
and she thought there was nothing more to be dreaded.
But then when she gave birth to their first child.
Her concerns of losing her was initially mild,
as the man initially did not come,
and she hoped that he was dumb
and had forgotten about the trade
that the two of them had made.
But lo and behold, three weeks later,
the little man burst into the room through a crater.
“Sorry, I’m late.” he apologized.
“And I also realize
that I broke that hole through your roof.”
And he made it magically disappear with a poof.
“But now my dear, I’m here to collect
the child you promised, and I will reject
anything else that you offer.
For in the way of collateral, I am a scoffer.
The miller’s daughter devastatedly pleaded,
so the little man reluctantly conceded.
“In three days, I’ll release my claim,
if by then you guess my name.”
So the desperate queen then went to call,
on Mister Rat at even fall.
This rat was once an engineer,
who was quite skilled, but alas I fear,
to inform you that he also had a magnificent skill
in scamming anybody to get paid a huge bill.
Recently, a tortoise and a hare,
whom neither of which desired playing fair,
had each hired the rat to help them cheat,
in a race to determine which of them could eat
in Mister Roach’s Cabbage patch,
which no other vegetable place could match.
So no convicted person had any grudge
with Mister Rat now being a judge.
Because the slimmest folks out there would know
that he would gladly let them go
if put on trial with him judging them,
and getting a life or death was slim,
provided that you heartily paid him!
“Hello dear rat.” the queen said kindly
“Now please listen to me clearly, not blindly.
I’ve come to you tonight to ask,
about a highly secret task.”
She then explained the details of her bargain,
with the little man, in a way that wasn't jargon.
The rat then frowned and asked the queen,
"I am quite happy and quite keen
to that you have a chance of keeping your kid,
but what makes you think from what I did
in the past and here in present,
that have a fig or a pheasant
of keeping her with my help?"
“Silence dear rat, and please do not yelp.
I understand that quite a while
back from now, you held a trial
for a little man who does match the description
of the little man who I’ve made the subscription
with on his contract to take my girl,
for making gold for the king, or as I now call him Earl.
The little man's name, do you suppose,
that to me you could disclose?”
The sleazy rat judge then smugly smiled
at the fully grown queen child.
“I’ll tell you his name this very night,
provided that the price is right.”
“I’ll pay you anything you desire!
Just please take this job for hire!”
“Even though I took an oath,
to honesty or fair judgement…or was it both?….
before I became a courtroom judge,
and because secretly all judges now and then smudge
their honesty from time to time,
as we all have a bit of slime.
I accept the job, I’ll tell you his name,
to ensure that you win the guessing game.
The deal was struck, arrangements made
and willingly, the queen she paid.
“Rumplestiltskin is the name of the fellow.
I hope you now feel a tad more mellow.”
“I certainly do!” said the queen. “That’s that!
Thank you ever so much my dear sweet rat!”
But if you remember Dahl’s retelling of the tortoise and the hare,
which involved the tortoise seeking rat for an unfair
advantage in the racing for the patch
of Mr. Roach’s which nowhere could match,
the rat then turned on the abhorrent reptile
and informed the hare of his plot quite vile.
And Mr. Rat intended the same
treatment for the pretty young queen dame.
When the sleazy rat was all alone,
he again tiptoed to the telephone,
and asked to speak to Rumplestiltskin
was was baking bread and brewing gin
with a magically waterproof fire,
and from the local telephone wire
the call was transferred over to him,
and he answered, “Hello sonny Jim?”
Rat answered, “Would you pay an awful lot,
to hear about an evil plot?
Would you for instance give your shirt,
to know who’s going to do you dirt?”
“I’ll read your mind if you won’t tell me free!”
Rumplestiltskin snapped, but Rat could see
that the little bloke was clearly bluffing,
and had the power to read absolutely nothing
that the dirty rat did think
and said, “Nice try, but I’m no dink!
Your doctrines, say you’ve no mind reading powers,
which were personally checked for several hours!
Now will you pay to hear the great truth,
that I happen to know, despite not being a sleuth?”
Rumplestiltskin sighed, “Oh very well.
I pray that to me, the information you sell.”
And so for a fifth time, old Ratty made,
a very advantageous trade.
And after he had got his fee,
he told of the queen’s…”villainy…?”
And Rumple cried, as flamed as a grill,
“That information you received was confidential!
As a judge, you can’t disclose
that information which is very personal with those
who desire to abuse it!”
And Rumple looked like he was about to lose it,
but then he smiled all of sudden,
which anyone could see red blood in.
“That’s cheating!” Rumple cried emancipation.
“And it’s grounds for disqualification!
The queen’s daughter is soon to be mine!
And to celebrate, I think I’ll dine
at Red Robin, and dress real fine,
and order me a juicy swine!”
Remembering the similar reaction from hare,
the first time he had ratted (pun intended) on someone not playing fair,
the rat again said, with glee and joy,
“I hate to tell you this old boy,
you said that the queen just had to guess,
the answer to your name no less
than with absolute perfection,
and not be a sore loser with dejection.”
“Then I’m screwed!” Rumple proceeded to mourn
“I won’t be getting the queen’s firstborn!”
The rat again said, slimier than ever,
“Are you forgetting rats are clever?
The queen won’t win the guessing game,
if you go and change your name
before it’s time for her to guess
the name which, my dear boy, you possess.
Now the process of legal name changing is quite long,
It takes lawyers, paperwork and a courtroom throng.
But if you pay an extra fee,
then I will personally guarantee
the legal process is finished before it’s time
for you to visit that royal prime
queen to have her guess your name,
and she’ll be the one who experiences the shame,
and the one who has the joy crushed flat!
I’d guarantee it.” said the rat.
“How much?” Rumple asked this relative of mice.
And Ratty told him of the price.
“That sum’s definitely far from mild,
but I simply must obtain that child!”
So Rumple then paid a second bill,
and the dirty rat got richer still.
Then the slimey Rumplestiltskin was promptly bestowed a fast pass
and all the steps of name changing process were done en masse,
and finished in just a couple of hours,
with the queen being certain to feel rather sour!
The very next day, Rumple came to the palace,
and silently smirked at the look of malice,
the queen had on her face, with the belief that she’d guess
his name correctly and receive the answer, “yes.”
“Is your name Pat?”
“I think you already asked me that.”
“Is it Lou?”
“I think you already asked me that too.”
“Well, now we’ve come to the end of this guessing game.
Because RUMPLESTILTSKIN is you name!”
“WRONG!” Rumplestiltskin then replied.
“For I’ve got Ratty on my side!
He told me about how you cheated in our game,
and so I legally changed my name,
to that of Chandler Amelius Starr,
and so my queen, you now are,
the loser of this game we’ve played!
And now it’s time that I got paid
with your very own firstborn!”
But surprisingly, the queen did not mourn,
or even groan, or moan or sigh.
Instead she had a look rather sly.
“If that’s the case.” she said lifting her moid.
“Then our contract is null and void!”
“WHAT?!” Rumple cried with all his glee
turning into absolute burning fury.
The queen then said, “My dear poor Rump.
You are even more stupid than Donald Trump.
Rumplestiltskin was whom I was contracted to.
But now dear fellow, since now you
have gone and changed your original name,
regardless that I have lost the game,
the value of contract signed in the first place
has now disappeared without a trace!
Since your name is now Chandler, though it’s a name that is regal,
the contract between us is no longer legal!”
Rumple then scowled out with appall,
“I would have won if this story was written by Roald Dahl!”
But I’m not Roald Dahl, my dear Rumple fellow.
I’m not as sadistically cruel, I’m mellow!
I wouldn’t let you take that baby away,
regardless that it was your agreed upon pay!
Rumple then stormed off in total defeat,
angry that his bargain was not complete.
The queen then cheered and kissed her girl,
that was more valuable to her than a pearl.
But as Rumple’s luck was rapidly descending,
he ended up getting a bittersweet ending.
For as Ratty was counting all his pay,
and thinking he’d had a profitable day.
The bank then called and announced
that the check he'd received from Rumple had bounced.
Ratty first thought, “Well, that’s rather strange.”
But then remembered of Rumple’s name change!
So Rumple got all of the money returned
for the secret for which he had learned,
and the name changing process put in high speed,
and felt that this was respectable deed,
despite not getting the prize he desired.
But was glad his plan did not completely backfire.
"Well", Rat thought. "That sure wasn't funny.
But at least I still have the queen's lovely money!"
But at that moment, who should enter?
The queen herself, she marched to the center
of the office of the slezy rat judge
to settle with him a nasty grudge.
"You'll be refunding my entire bill,
since you apparently had the will
to screw over a mother in danger of losing her young
to obtain extra money for your expenses and fun!
The queen then took back every last cent,
counted it all, but before she went,
she gave this dirty relative of mice,
this final piece of crucial advice:
"Please remember if you can,
despite Roald Dahl’s claim that a business man
is not one to be tangled with
because they are as sharp as a scythe,
there is one sharper than even he,
that will bring anyone down to their knee!
A fairy tale queen is always the winner
who ends up running off with the dinner!
while you jerks always get justice served
that happens to be absolutely deserved.
Unlike a Tortoise or a Hare,
whose injuries from the spikes they still bare,
we queens aren't diddled in the end
by people like our Ratty friend!