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Somewhere I Belong

By HeartGear
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132 Comments
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This is something I feel like I just needed to share.
I started this illustration for something else, but it kind of morphed into this deeply personal thing.

++

In therapy lately I do this thing called "EMDR". It doesn't work for everyone but it's helped me start to dig into the muck, and I think it's stirred up a few monsters

I have one big one, that's really vicious. It's... hard to explain. I described it as like, a big black ocean that I'm hovering over that wants to swallow me up.  It first showed up when I was real little, when I first started having panic attacks at night. My parents tried to help at first, but they didn't really know what to do. Eventually they just got frustrated and let me deal with it. I would be awake for days at a time with anxiety
I could ignore it as long as I was awake and reading, but when the light went out and it was dark it was just me and the monster. And in a weird sort of way, we became friends.

It tortured me and I got tortured. There was this sort of understanding between us. To my parents I should have not been that way... not had anxiety. Not questioned my faith tradition. Not dealt with dysphoria. I wasn't stupid. I was scared. I hid it from them, and I hid myself from them. The only thing that I was totally okay for, only right for, was the monster

I was always performing for people. I got real good at it. I learned to mirror what people wanted and play my part. It was mostly something I learned to stay safe, but you can get real mixed up... to the point where you aren't sure who you even are anymore. All I know is that I need to be whatever someone else wants. But the monster, I just got to be myself. I don't know how that makes sense but it does.

It tells me things, really mean things. Constantly. Things I know aren't true but I've heard it so many times it's like breathing. I was so used to it I didn't even realize I was hearing it until like a few months ago. And now I can't not know it
Now I can't stop hearing it
it's mean and it hurts me and I hurt myself. But it's also familiar, and safe. It's closer and safer than my own family. In a weird sort of way I'm in love with it. And I look for men to fill that role. To take the place of that void.  To belong to.

++

I'm okay... please don't worry.   We all have our demons.   Mine just looks like this.
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anonymous's avatar
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cultistofvertigo's avatar

Thank you for sharing this. You aren't alone in any of this.

CureIsrael-12's avatar

Here are my feelings: Even if you didn't make this art of yours public, I would still care for your happiness. I would mourn your death. I feel pain for your suffering that is primarily in your heart. I care about you. Agape is what I feel for you. Please don't let your demons win. Take heart and strength in the love of your friends, your loved ones, and possibly even the love and adoration of your fans. I respect you and love all that there is to you, your creativity, your passion, your differences... Agape is what I feel for you.

LordMillenIrisGreen's avatar
HojojutsuTengu's avatar

Very impactful - thanks for sharing, personal demons run deep, keep doing you. (Also great art)

ricardohappy's avatar

pretty draws, i loved to be draw some , for to count my history

Uphan's avatar

Ignore them. Really. This is all what I can say. It's hard, but just think of yourself.

MissHyde23's avatar

Awe heck ghost town just came on my phone, now I'm crying

MissHyde23's avatar

I think I remember seeing this when I wrote this. It's an odd little thing but I'm proud of it

LonleyGod's avatar

Wow someone drew exactly what my dysphoria feels like.

Guardian-7's avatar
Do Not let the [DEEP] Drown you. [concerned tone] Look up to The [SKY] and see how Beloved you/we Really are...

REJECT The [DARKNESS]. Turn to The [LIGHT] where That Monster even is Afraid of Going to The FIRST'S and The LAST'S.

(But anyways, as for this picture)....

[[V-Simulation] Online]

[Gun-loading]

girl: "Hm-Hmmh?...." [trembling glancing at her left an [Armored] figure(s)]

GRDN-PK/GRDNs: "you 'own' Nothing, [Nightmare]." [plainly says interrupting the [Nightmare's] Twisted Delusions as [Solar-[O]] within [us] Burning Bright, Charging]

DMN-captor: "Hah?-" [began but-]

[A Loud 'Bang!' is heard]

[-Cleansed by The [Light] through The [GNGN] as the concentrated line of [Solar-[O]] from within [Piercing] through the veil that was the girl's [Nightmare] DMN. It's Fading Screams flavor into the [Void]]

GRDN-PK/GRDNs: "Hers, Not Yours." [Staring down to where that [Nightmare] Last Screamed in it's place while reciting an old GRDN-HR's 'Last Word' towards his former Target. A Sorrowful, Jagged, [Thorn]]

[[GRDN] in hand Fades back to The [Light] as [we] turn [our] sight to the bounded girl. While manifesting a [DYBK] [Sword]]

[A Searing 'Slash' later, both Disintegrating her chains, and her sealed gag out of her mouth]

[she looks up towards [us] in curiosity and wariness at the presence in front of her, with a Comforting Feel being Poured out through [us]]

GRDN-PK/GRDNs: "Do not be Afraid. For The [O] is with you and has [Heard] the Captive(s)." [softening up [our] approach to later [heal] the broken girl]

[Another 'Day' for a S/R-E mission Completed during that time Comforting her. While informing [our] [O] and Fellow GRDN-WKs the [presence] of a [▲] [Pyramid] Hiding somewhere in this [Simulation], requesting in later for a [Raid] to [EXTERMINATE] [IT's] [Grip] here]

[[V-Simulation] Completed]
boredmuskoxen's avatar
I know I'm late to the party, but thank you for sharing this. I had similar problems as a kid (still have), it's nice to not feel alone. Hell this was therapeutic in a way, got me to reconsider some things in a new light. Also I'll have to look into that EMDR thing, it sounds like it might be helpful once I can afford such a thing.
Riconish's avatar

Oglądam cie od dawna wiem, że to ciężkie, że świat nie zawsze jest taki jak chcemy ale musimy dawać radę! Jestem z Ciebie dumna, dlatego, że wybrałaś swoją drogę i nią kroczysz. Wiem, że coś po cichu chce ci mówić *przestań*, *jesteś słaba*, ale pamiętaj to tylko głosy z którymi musisz walczyć, czasem delikaty uśmiech może pokonać najwiekszy twój własny strach. Wierzę, w Ciebie Heartgear.

Randomnamemisingno's avatar
Yesh. That sounds so horrible. I have had some similar things in my life. Not quite to the extreme of panic attacks. But some horrible things when the lights when out.
**hugs you** I hope you can find a way to over come all this.
ujgtgbc's avatar
wow this is actually rather surreal to read since i know someone whos described their own situation to me and its so similar to yours. im happy to hear that youre working through it and i wish you all the best in figuring it all out.
Str4b's avatar
A friend have been doing it at well to heal his childhood traumas. I might consider it but it's quite pricy for me >< I hope it's giving you the best, hopefully

Take care, Heart
Merinthologist's avatar
I don't have an eloquent comment. I just want you know that I care about your feelings. And that you are not alone. Because I'm far from the only one who cares. Good for you for learning and coping. I believe your demon won't be a demon all your life.
okaymomo's avatar
Take care Heartgear...
Zalloy's avatar
It's absolutely not easy to battle one's demons and when you grow up in a family that doesn't get it, it absolutely bites. Thanks for sharing and thanks for pushing on through, hope the therapy does help out making things better.

Good luck and have all the internet hugs! *Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug*
tfpandora's avatar
You shouldn’t have to be what others demand that you be.
You should be who you want to be.
I really hope that you find peace with yourself and your family one day.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through these inner demons alone for so long. You were so brave to put this out for us all to see.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to you. Take care of yourself and know that you are loved.
jmc42199's avatar
EnderCrane's avatar
So many friends of mine face their own black oceans. I hope you find something that makes this burden easier. There's always something that helps, whatever it is, remember you always have that when things get too much. Though I've never commented before, I really do hope you get by to better days.
RoguishBard's avatar
I know the darkness well. When I was still a boy, I gave it form in my mind's eye, I gave it a face, and I gave it a name. I thought that would give me power over it. And it has, but only just.

It's still there, biting me from time to time. I've been wounded many times trying to be a good man, and some might say that an injury demands vengeance: an eye for an eye.

"How much more will you take, I wonder? How much more 'can' you take? It's clear they don't want you around. They'll never give you a place in their world. You're an outsider, an anomaly...a monster. Why restrain yourself? Give them what they want. Show them they are right to fear you. No one will dare hurt you again. And what of that person, hmm? What if they come for the ones you love? Will you be so forgiving then? I think not. Give them time. They'll break you long before I will. One day you'll embrace me willingly."

I've made friends, though. People who give me reason to believe there's still some good worth fighting for in this broken world of ours. And as long as that good exists, I have made the decision to fight for it. Know thyself, know the enemy within, and I believe it shall never conquer you. Feed the good wolf with compassion and mercy, with charity and kindness, and it will fight on.
AlysaTaladay's avatar
Funny sometimes how our inner selves come out in our work. I tried to explain this to my therapist, but he didn't really show any interest. This is really beautiful. In a dark way. Even familiar, in a way I can't really explain.
anonymous's avatar
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