Personal Essay 1 / listen to Chicago - Hard to Say I’m Sorry when you done reading this
The Human Heart
I’m Jason, I have been through hell and back on emotional roller coasters life have given me from me wanting to commit suicide in the third grade to me losing partners I loved in the span of one year. Humans do irrational things to leave themselves with contentment, the philosophy of the human heart only goes as deep as the emotional scars are. For me being the animal I am, I mean literally and figuratively, knows who is good and who is evil, who will give and who will take, who intentions are pure and whose is tainted. I have primal senses of who to stay away from and who to stay near the people I stay near are more than enough to keep me happy for lifetimes. I chose people who could have very well be my forever's and I tried to show them but I don’t believe I could have done anything to satisfy there never ending amounts of anxiety and fear for what the future held. As a human being it’s weird to not think of repercussions or consequences when it comes to things that potentially have life changing effects. I always won my arguments in all my relationships and that kinda scared me, to the core. I’m an airhead, a dumbass, and someone who shouldn't be left things that matter to people. However I my relationships I always had the opposite effect, I’m an animal to my core of being, I resemble human nature for what it is and I niche myself very easily, which is why I excel in the things I do. I treated my relationships like legitimate survival to the point I planned my future to the point of death with them. The literal meaning of “till death do us part”, I don’t believe my problems lied in my actions but in the female psyche, social constructs, and motherly advice they would receive from the mother figures they had in their live. One major pinpoint each of them had being with me was fear, absolute and utter fear that the worst would happen to them if the end product of their fear from the trauma of their past relationships, after all of them ended I don’t believe I had the power to change people at least the people, at least the ones I wanted to spend good portions of my life with. Maybe their heart wasn’t there or I wasn’t who I should’ve been to them. The human heart Consist of what we know to be more than an epiphany of emotions and irrational based on the motive of inner desires. We all think to know what's best for the person we care about the most, but we know it’s what we want what's best for them, and not what they want that’s best for themselves. The convoluted sceneries our minds create to fill the gaps in information we don’t have to fill the deepest pits of our heart to gain satisfaction with our gripes. It calms us to point fingers, blame, cause drama, and indulge in our desires. Humans are selfish creatures to begin with and relationships are manifestations of selfish desires cause that person you promised yourself to is obligated to keep you happy and vice versa so they are willing to sacrifice for you where you wouldn’t or cant. It’s apart of the unspoken contract that relationships come with, that come from our inherent nature to provide and protect the things with love and adore. My relationships all lacked something that was very foundational that the other side never offered me and I wanted those things so badly I shaped every move and effort towards gaining those two fundamental things, trust and hope for a future. When the human mind experiences trauma or hurt the best response it gives is to not do that thing again, but as humans our bodies go towards a mate and decide on one. It’s a conflict of mind and body and both interacting on different spectrums of yes and no, but our minds and bodies can’t differentiate from our biology to find a person to spend what was suppose to be the 40 years humans were supposed to live, but were prolonged by medicine to make us live longer giving us choice. Most of the time that strong feeling called love is that feeling that your biology chose a person to be your mate and humans differentiate from that feeling because of the power of choice. The new things humans do in the past 300 years. My relationship were a mesh of yes and no from my partners, the mind and body cannot differentiate choice and so in that avenue it was hard for them to come to a consensus whether I was a worthy person for them to be in their lives whether I was a worthy emotional commitment that would lead to something greater. The human heart doesn’t give an inch when it comes to the things that hurt it and if it hurt it in a fashion posed it trauma then surely the idea of trust in that area. Who knew middle school relationships could affect someone so much. Here is a more technically stand point of the human heart, it’s a plant you have to water, life coming from all stems, hurt is a like snipping off a leaf, but with proper nourishment that leaf will grow two more stems from its root and reach better places and grow out more. That was an example of hurt it’s more to think of than that but it’s something that matters in the end because growth replaces hurt and the hurt is only a reminder from what you’d have grown from. With each passing day and avenue the plant with grow and grow and grow, even into a tree that will one day bare fruit. A tree may lose a branch hithering how much fruit it can bare but the tree will still bear fruit, however not as much as much, this is similar to trauma a higher level about hurt, it resides for longer and it’s a much harder to grow from. The human heart is comprised of hurts and traumas to make it into the wonderful tree it’s meant to be and it becomes more than that and it’s something to acknowledge and grow from it really raises an eyebrow. It requires hurt and trauma to grow, so the plant stage of the human heart never actually becomes more till it receives its first dose of harsh weather that takes from it so it can in turn replace. With the inevitability that time will in turn hurt into growth we all become more and more aware when we’ve been through enough and how to navigate the once shaky waters waters life offered us in the beginning to see that it isn’t what we thought it was this whole time it’s only what life presents us but the bigger picture only only appears when the perspective is widened and the mind is open to how the waves of life have pushed us. If we were to go even more technical, Isaac newton's third law: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Your heart will only have experienced for how much it has been through it only gives us premise to go forward and experience the world for times that gave us new experiences, and for us to grow from those experiences. I deduced that my previous relationships were during times of growth and my presence intervened even if I came into them with good intentions and willingness to improve. Those experiences all gave me opposite reactions for the time I spent with them and observed I studied them down to the point of physical and mental processes: Facial expressions, speech patterns, emotional mood swings, thought process, desires, wants, views, and even they way they breathed. However that did not save my relationships just prolonged my inevitable fate I gathered with the data I collected over the course of the relationship. That I could not fix what had been done nor could I help the people who were in need of me. The growth process is to be monitored and not altered, to be given precedence and not to be underestimated. I have first hand going into the rabbit hole to see that things are only more deluding and confusing the more you delve deeper. You only wake up from the dream when you stop interfering and you give proper nourishment and simply wait for the cycle of growth to finish and then the plant can truly flourish into a tree and finish it’s evolution. We only take the things we have for granted cause we have them, once they’re gone we only know their value. Hurt is symbolism of the human emotion when something or someone has been lost, lost affects each human differently. However it’s easy to tell when someone has lost something: comfort, time, and support are the only remedies that help in those processes we only give as much as we take and that is the truth of life and vice versa. With all the analogies and philosophies given here are my definitions that apply to the human heart. Hurt is when the amount taken at that moment in time cannot be given back or canceled out,Trauma is higher level of Hurt in which the symptoms are intensified, Love is the biological and emotional response you feel for a person to give them yourself and more than you could ever provide, like a mother to a child, like a boyfriend to a girlfriend. Growth is the period in what heart recovers from Hurt/Trauma. The period of growth only applies to how much Hurt was applied, Newton's third law works in this faucet of life even though the Hurt applied is not measurable it is. Statistics don’t measure the human heart, only experiences can fill the beaker life offered up we look at it from the top not the side and the closer the water comes to the top the more you’ve grown, the farther it is the more you have to experience. We are all remnants of the external forces presented to us by the byproducts of our environments life spawned us into and that is okay. As long as you have give things time and understanding the rabbit hole won’t be that vivid dream, but an understandable reality.