Spend any amount of time on a dating site and it quickly becomes obvious that despite the numerous instructions to be original and stand out, most women tend to write the exact same things. The trouble with this girls, is that while you type and read one thing, guys see another so never averse to helping out the fairer sex, here's a few quick translations for you.
I want to be treated like a princess
Translation: I don't want to pay for anything. This is perhaps one of the worst things you can write. Nobody likes a cheapskate and when we hear the word, 'princess' we're either thinking of mushrooms, Posh or inherited privilege. If you mean th
• We tell you the lies you want to hear. We lie when we say we don't mind your annoying friend coming round, we lie when we say we're looking forward to your mother's party and we lie about the dress and your bum. We lie about all of these things because we want you to be happy.
• We don't manipulate you because we don't know how and that's not a failing. We don't want you twisted around our little finger; we just want you around.
• We accept responsibility for everything that goes wrong in the bedroom. When we don't get aroused it's our fault; when you don't get aroused it's still our fault. When you don't orgasm it's not on
Want to solve the energy crisis and save the world? Scottish independence is your answer.
It was of course inevitable that upon starting university I would meet any number of young idealistic and sadly ignorant teenagers. By the latter I don't mean in the general sense; that is to say the majority of those I study with are as you would expect, better educated and informed than most but the simple truth is that even the best among us at 18 know far less about the world than we think we do. I was no exception and as such it's unsurprising that much of the typical conversation I am party to these days is reminiscent of those I had six years ago
Everyone I know that watches 24-hr news is male. I don't know any women who watch it, presumably because they have better things to do. Like the dishes.
I have a close friend who will quite happily plunk down in front of the telly for a while and watch Sky Sports News. I've always found this a bit sad. I mean how many times can you watch the ten-second highlights of Whoever United v Buggernose FC before you find something better to do with yourself. Or to yourself, depending on what sort of mood you're in. Evidently, the answer is quite a few because said friend isn't alone and indeed if you go to one of the many English pubs that have TVs b
There are rare times when I feel extreme contempt for my fellow man and even rarer yet, specifically my fellow British man. When our Concordes were stopped from running because in 30 years, a French one had crashed once was such an occasion. Crappy Fords crash every day - we still buy millions of the things every hour. Concorde was a beautiful testament to the best of Humanity. Supremely elegant, unashamedly phallic in character and technically gobsmacking. Sure, the shuttlecraft is pretty damned impressive, but in terms of sheer technical brilliance, it’s frankly a big deal simpler to create than Concorde was. And it’s NASA that sa
Hello. My name’s Chris and I’m an alco… hang on a second. Why the hell is the first thing you do at an AA meeting, stand up and introduce yourself? And besides, I’m not an alkie; I just like a drink, so there.
I’ve jokingly talked with friends about going to AA meetings together, not least because there’s free coffee and I think it’d be interesting to try and pull women there. But do we actually need to go for the designated purpose anyway? Since most of you reading this are American, odds are I drink vastly greater quantities of alcohol than you do. Last week I drank… I don’t know how much I dran
In a few days, it is going to be a relatively normal day...for most. But not for you. For on that day...it will be a good day to revel in the moment that you were cast down upon this Earth, summoned and placed here by the mighty Odin to share your talents and your creativity with all. Let thee rejoice and enjoy this time, and know you are wished a Happy Birthday! May many more follow!
Also, Odin sends cake, blessed by King Kong and delivered by Godzilla!
A few days from today, the history books show an entry. An entry of mystery, and portent, as the great powers came down upon the Earth, and, in accordance with the wishes of the mighty King Kong, granted the world a boon. That boon was you. And lo, let it be said to all that you are to be wished a Happy Birthday upon that day, with the most excellent and amazing of cakes to partake in!
History records that, just days from now, a tremendous upheaval took place as the ground cracked and broke apart, tornadoes spun counter to their nature, and even Godzilla bowed as you appeared upon the Earth to grace us with your art. And so it is wished upon you to have a Happy Birthday on that day....and a most excellent cake.