On a Beloved Sacrifice

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harunokaze's avatar
By harunokaze
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Literature Text

Dearest ebony,

And isn't that what you'd like to be called? Isn't that how you see yourself: invisible, unreachable, unworthy of a capital? Oh, but there's arrogance there too. And I know it, even if no one else does. Because ebony is your symbol for power, the power that comes from pain, from losing so much that you move beyond the reach of loss.

Oh, ebony. I know in letters such as these it is not uncommon to address an innocent younger self from a place of wisdom. But I can't see us that way. You are so much less innocent than I. You are even wise, ebony, in the way wounded animals are wise. You know the secret paths of pain that I have forgotten how to walk. If we met, you would disdain my happiness, my easy laughter. You would examine me with anger, hunting for the hurt you wear so close to the surface, hurt that I wear as scars against my heart.

But I am you, ebony, even if you aren't me. You are the square to my rectangle. And there are times, even now, when the day falls just wrong, that you find your way to back. I still shake and cry. I still lose myself to fear and self loathing. But I have learned other things. Learn to laugh ebony. Don't smirk, don't giggle at self deprecating jokes. Laugh, because life is full of beauty and joy and I know there are hurts but they are worth it, ebony. They are worth it for the world. You see the world as the cause of your pain, so you turn away from it. Embrace it. Do it now and you will find in it the balm that soothes your scars.

But no, don't listen to me. Don't take my advice. I know well enough the truth. I must sacrifice you to become myself. It's the worst bits that form me, and ebony, the worst bits haven't hit you yet. You think you're safe with your self loathing, think no one can reach you because you've brought yourself so low. But that's how he'll
get you. Oh ebony, it will be so easy for him. All he'll have to do is agree with you. And you, my shattered self, you will think that means he knows you and you'll let him in.

Here are truths:

You will love. You will love and you will do it with such ferocity, such longing, it will grind your sparkling shattered bits to dust. You'll know it and you'll do it anyway. Do it anyway. Do it with all your heart.

You will hate. You haven't yet learned to hate beyond yourself. You'll learn. But that hate will turn inward and it will feed on your fears. I would ask you to stop, ebony. I would ask you but I haven't stopped yet. And I won't ask of you something I still can't do. So hate. But know that it hurts you and it doesn't hurt him.

You will be loved. ebony, you don't know what it is yet, to be loved. And learning to allow it, to take joy in it, well, that will take time. It's okay to be terrified. It's okay to have doubts. But don't try to stop it. Let it open up the world for you, slowly, one window at a time.

I won't save you, ebony. In that, I am your cruelest observer, because I alone have the power to do so. I could sweep up your little crystal shards and lock them in a box. I could warn you of every bruise. I could even shield you from the magpie that will come to steal your sparkling bits. I won't. Forgive me, ebony. The nature of pain is that it is forgotten. And I have done so. The path I walk is warm and bright. And you are with me, here, in the sunlight. You just don't know it yet.
Written for the 'letter to your younger self' contest at :iconlive-love-write: and :iconxpose-it:. See news post here:[link]

Not much explanation to be offered. Writing to oneself is rather a personal thing, isn't it? It was nice, though, to reflect, to try and look back at myself and see what I was and what I am. Sad, almost, to realize that given a chance I'd change nothing. It seems cruel, not to. It hurt so much at the time. It still does, some days.
© 2010 - 2021 harunokaze
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MysticalAngel101's avatar
This is very beautiful and touching to read :aww:
harunokaze's avatar
Thank you for the compliment, I'm glad you enjoyed it.