Of All We Have Missed Out On

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harunokaze's avatar
By harunokaze
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Literature Text

Never has your name appeared
marginalized in my notes,
with desperate repetition.
A one word letter to a boy.

Notes didn't pass between us
nervous in high school hallways.
Anyway, I was never
good at those careful, complex folds.

Where are those midnight battles?
Love unfolding to reveal
the darker side of passion.
But I can't find the hate in us.

Are we strange, then? Let's be so.
Spend our midnights lost, shopping.
Laugh at ferrets or zombies.
I'll write you hope, you draw me dreams.
Wrote this around Valentine's Day.
© 2007 - 2021 harunokaze
anonymous's avatar
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oddlyaromatic's avatar
Mmm, there's good stuff here. Should have read this before.

Folding bit is brilliant. Less fond of the end, the affected randomness of ferrets and zombies - I get the sense there's truth in there, but it's a contemporary fad to be "strange" - or at least to highlight it with odd examples like that. That said I really LIKE "Are we strange, then? Lets be so." - at the apostrophe to let's and I love the line.

Last line itself is also really good, maybe I'm just suggesting that the middle two lines of the last verse could be less.. generic? Something like that.

And if you can part with the word ire, do so. It doesn't need to be there, and doesn't need replacing either.

This is brief, while I'm in between other things.

Thank you for reading this last while, btw.

And this was worth finding.
harunokaze's avatar
I really appriciate the feedback from you, it's useful as always.

I completely agree with you about 'ire' I was never fond of the word, but didn't think of cutting it.

What about:
Love unfolding to reveal
the darker side of passion.

I think that sounds a bit better.

Will consider changing the two lines that bothered you, or at least play around with other ideas.
silverfeathers's avatar
that's very beautiful. and bravo for writing a poem of affection that didn't fall prey to cliche.
ugh. unintentional rhyme.
harunokaze's avatar
A poem of affection.

As usual, I adore you.
silverfeathers's avatar
the feeling is mutual, luv. ^_-
harunokaze's avatar
Isn't snapping more appropriate to poetry? *laughs* Always glad to see you stop by. And speaking of stopping by, come visit.
power2corrupt's avatar
ooo i like this !!! very nice :w00t:
harunokaze's avatar
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
anonymous's avatar
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