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Blimey, a year since my last journal entry, time for another then. But what is there to report? Well I don't want to bring it down, but I've long suffered from anxiety and periods of self doubt and the last year has seen extended bouts of depression overcome me on occassion. Problem is it's a self perpetuating problem: when you mix with upbeat optimistic people in can be kept in check, a healthy dose of dry humour and cynicism balances things nicely, but if you start feeling you don't want to mix, or you don't see friends as often as you'd like you start becoming a little bit too self possessed.. you start gravitating towards things that make you feel sad; memories, music, images. Becomes easy to languish in melancholy.

Of course I can lose myself in artwork for a while, creating something fictional that fills a gap, and that will keep me fleetingly happy, But where I used to draw or paint a lot, it has become increasingly difficult to find the enthusiasm for it. This is a problem because it's really the only worthy skill I have and if I can't make a career out of it I'll be floundering to find anything else as fulfilling. I suppose if I found happiness elsewhere in my life my enthusiasm for all these things would come back. If I drag myself out of apathy in order to paint I am usually happy with the results but it's short lived. My other creative outlet is music. I play drums in a punk band, and the spontaneity and immediacy of that is good. I also create music on my computer, sometimes original stuff that could be practically any style of music, or covers of any music or themes that I happen to like. You can find a few of those things if you search for Harnois75 on Youtube.

I thought about joining or something like that to see if I can find the woman to make me feel like a complete person, but writing a profile that sells you when you are in the grip of a depressive mood is difficult, not to say rather pointless.
  • Listening to: Mike Oldfield - Crises
  • Reading: Photoshop CS4 book
  • Watching: The Keys of Marinus
  • Playing: Don't play games
  • Eating: Jacket potato
  • Drinking: Tea - as always
Arcalian Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2013
Happiness is fleeting, and comes in small doses.  Not just for us brooding types, but for everyone.  Well adjusted people just deal with it better.  So maybe you need to have someone around--not necessarily a romantic interest, just anybody you're ok with--when doing your art.
Hawkmonger Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Dude, I have the utmost empathy. I've suffered from anxiety and suicidal deppresion for the last 5 YEARS (!) due to exposure to a society attitude within a place of learning I felt was wrong. This led to me being ostricised and generaly ignored or bullied constantly for my entire high school life. But you know what, I entered sixth for college last year, at another school, and everything changed. My psycological, personal and sexual differences became accepted, I became part of a large and freindly social circle, I started to draw a few months ago and picked up other new hobbies like playing guitar and cooking. My enthusiasm for my current hobbies expanded, karate and scuba became more frequent as he forced myself to put down the easy exit pills and cable's and do what I felt I wasn't part of, to have a happy social life and be loved by others. As a result my family life improved, and I was optimistic (though still somewhat naturally cynicle) to bother to go and look for work and help charities, namely the one charity that had kept me sane for 5 horrible year.

This might sound like i'm waffling on about myself...well, I am (sorry) but what i'm trying to say is it take's anything between a substantial change in timetable to the littleist of changes to turn around your whole view on life. be it something you saw in person or something you see on a film, there will always be the glow at the end of the tunnel, you just have to take the initiative and press the accelerate.

I hope things do work out for you H75, because no person should have to live through what we have, and I sincerily wish you the best of luck. :)
Jarvisrama99 Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2013
I wish the both of you the best of luck, and hope all goes well.
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July 18, 2013


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