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About Varied / Hobbyist Core Member GydroZMaaFemale/United States Groups :iconhongxice: HongxIce
Cold hands, warm hearts
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Journal Entry: Sat Nov 3, 2018, 1:27 AM


(Not so) Obligatory updates ((which are text heavy late night thoughts)) 

-Contrary to no one's beliefs, I'm still alive

-I'm still writing, just not posting. Hoping to do a disgustingly massive update one day when people forget about what I wrote and I can address all the holes. Some series will have updates, some won't because I missed the boat on updating them properly and they're beyond salvageable with my current mindset. Maybe I'll store them, so people won't read their way into dead ends. (sorry.)

-I'm still drawing but not really. Drawing was a coping mechanism that let me get away from all the busy work in my life (eg. family, school, depression). Now that I'm free of all of those (depression is an on and off thing but not nearly as bad as before as I'll mention at the bottom), I'm stuck in this perfectly complacent state of mind where I can devote myself to watching shows, reading books, cooking healthy and tasty foods, playing unfinished games, surfing the Internet in peace, cursing out loud... That being said, I still have contest prizes I need to finish. I'm almost there. Just a little more...

-My brain has developed two modes: work and leisure life. Work is different but fun, even when busy. Our division gets squeezed (heh) for time a lot, and we have to constantly juggle multiple projects at once. I'm the freshest greenhorn still, but I've been learning enough to polish what I've been doing and getting the hang of it. (My job is REALLY niche, so saying what I do will most likely give away where I work and for whom.) The other part of my brain is just relaxing. I live alone, so I'm not worrying about homework, family bugging me for trivial matters, or securing my future on making a living. It's not that my famliy was bad, but I hated having to cater to them all of the time.

There was always something going on like shopping, or visiting relatives, or cleaning the house that always got messy. It was too busy. My little studio is nice and clean and the neighbors are quiet. I can choose to cook my own food and buy just enough food that I like. My mom alway made ridiculous portions of food that wasn't great after it went cold, but there was constant pressure of needing to finish it before she cooked something else. I hated it, too. And I could never get enough sleep. In my studio--it's a studio because the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen are in the same place with the bathroom sealed behind a sliding door--I go to sleep and wake up by my own means.

At home, I would get bothered by my parents talking or my dad staying up at ridiculous hours into the night. My mom always went to bed early and woke up early, so she would do things around the kitchen which would wake me up because my room was next to the kitchen. It was little things like that that made me uncomfortable living with my family. I felt that there was a constant pressure of appeasing my family or talking with them. If I wasn't talking with them, they thought I was being rude or standoffish, so I felt obligated to bring up a topic that I found interesting or what was going on with work. It was stressful to me. Again, my family isn't bad. They don't do drugs, they don't abuse in any sort of way, they're economically sound, they are functioning and participating citizens of society, BUT for whatever reason, I was stressed, and they didn't understand or respect that I needed space. Because of this, I felt trapped. I can't explain what it is, but there is something still there that makes me stressed when I visit them. Maybe someone else knows what I'm talking about here? Or maybe not. I wouldn't want to condone that on any decent human being. 

Whatever. That's passed. Phone bill and dental insurance aside, I am on my own. I don't make stupid amounts of money, but I don't have to worry about debts or payments or insurance or buying things for myself. It's almost like when I found a steady lifestyle, my anxiety just disappeared and with it, my drive to put out writings and drawings, because there's no need to relieve stress when it's not there. I still enjoy artistic stuff! It's simply a matter of being so content with how things are that I don't feel an urgency to work on things outside of my pleasant pace. Just wanted to get that off my chest along with other things...

DEPRESSION AFTERMATH - This is a completely long and personal update on my feelings and journey as a student to a sort-of functioning adult.

I know I made a journal about my condition way back when but holy fudgenuggets, until I climbed out of that hole, I never really knew how bad my depression was. It's different for everyone, but in my case, I was trapped in a death cycle of apathy and anxiety. Any feelings of needing to progress or improve myself weren't there, and even when I knew I was slipping in health, academics, and emotional stability, I couldn't be bothered to do anything. There were days in college when I would skip classes because I didn't want to leave my room. I would stay in bed when visiting home because facing my family and having to interact with them made me feel like I was disappointing them; it was a constant stab at my morale. I lost appetite even though I didn't lose or gain weight. I was always tired and cold and suffering from stress-related and hunger-induced headaches. Probably the worst case was almost failing a class because during our final group project, I was so depressed that I almost didn't complete a crucial part of the final write-up. The leader almost kicked me out of the group for not doing my part, and I was too tired and distraught over not doing anything to tell her what I was going through. It was my fault, I know, but it was my fault in ways that I wonder if I could have controlled better back then. I did manage to quickly write up my piece, and I was included in the project grade. 

And looking back at some of my stories during the worst phases, I can tell my mind wasn't in the right place. A lot of the things I wrote were almost done in lucid states, as I wasn't getting enough sleep. Even during weekends, I would waste hours away I could have used for studying and homework because I would sleep for 15 hours at a time and feel like absolute trash. Day turned to night, night turned to day, and I was always stuck in a confused orientation of being awake and functioning as a student. 

Along with everything else, I was not happy. In most cases, depression is not a state of sadness, but a state of nothingness. Nothing makes you happy. There were small sparks, and I could still laugh and smile and joke at things, but it was almost like those were reflexes. I couldn't bring myself to say things would ever be fine. In my case, I was worried about what happened after this.

"I'm not suffering from student loans, but I'm not smart enough to compete against the smarter colleagues. My smarter colleagues will get the internships and get the jobs that get the payrolls. I will not. I will be unemployed and waste my family's investments and time on me. I failed them. I am the waste of time and money and space. I can't produce anything that makes them proud of me. They are not proud of me. They are disappointed in me. I should just give up. Why am I even trying? It would be better to stop using energy."

The list of bitter and nihilistic thoughts went on and on. I knew I could have been doing something about it like talk to professors and go to study groups, get tutors, or TRY. But it wasn't until after I left that I realized it was depression that kept me from motivating myself to try. 

I'm not saying you should blame depression on poor academics and performance. There are other factors. But in my case, I was constantly mentally and physically exhausted. I was too shy and afraid to reach out for help when people probably could have understood. All I had to do was ASK and TELL SOMEBODY. But in that low point, I felt like a burden, like dead weight.

Of course, I've mentioned that I finally had to reach out to my physician and family and said "I need help." And by some miracle (and some hard work), I was able to graduate. One strain of anxiety gone. The next was finding a job since I didn't do internships out of fear of applying and wasn't exactly doing 4.5 stellar on my GPA like the best of my colleagues did. 

But you know what? After all of that and the constant nagging worry and headaches--no tears of self pity, surprisingly--it didn't matter. Looking back, it was so trivial. It turned out fine, and the only thing that came out of worrying was that my performance and mood suffered. Like someone said, you shouldn't worry because that means you only suffer twice. I still found a stable job in the end, and I have great coworkers and a nice environment. My new town has pleasant mild weather next to the ocean with stores that I can buy anything essential to my lifestyle. I have decent Internet and a cozy roof above my head. I can take walks into the forest without getting assaulted and drive without worrying about my car breaking down. It may not be a glamorous lifestyle, but I was never picky. I made it here.

What did worrying and being not happy do about any of it? I lost experiences in college that I can never recreate, heck even in high school. But it STILL didn't matter. I live so far away from everything and everyone that none of my classmates or colleagues matter. My work is so specific that I have never seen a single classmate during my personal hours or visits back to my hometown. So what if people are in loving relationships? So what if someone started a successful business and is making millions. I don't need millions of dollars or a stable relationship if I function better on my own. Frankly, I don't care anymore. I am content for ME. 

Depression is still a pain. There are rare moments where I think I could have done better or made better connections or decisions, but it's all "what could've been." I can't change that, so all I can do is keep moving forward, however rough it comes out. I'll just have to smooth out the patches. I'm not medicated anymore and haven't been for some time, but I do think it helped balance out some imbalances in my train of thought. I would describe it as loosening a tight clamp on my head that was headaches and anxiety. Like, as I slowly came off the medication, I noticed that my head felt physically airy and light, like a fluffy pulse. It's the best way I can describe it, sorry. 

So there you have it: my little struggle through an anxiety-driven downcast and how it didn't matter. I have an idea of how it crept up on me and let it take control, but if there's one thing I can say about it, even if you are struggling right now, at any point you look back on your state of mind, it really doesn't matter. Not in a "You have depression? Who cares?" kind of way, but more of a "Being depressed about something does absolutely nothing to help your situation" way. So if you do find yourself realizing that it's getting harder to motivate yourself to function, even, please try to get help. Depression does nothing but ill things to you and others. It doesn't improve anything. I still think I'm very fortunate to have gotten the care and support I needed. (Maybe not all I could have gotten, but I'll take it over max depression any day. Ha ha.) Cheers to life and future updates. 'v' (That sounds corny, but I mean it!)

Skin by GydroZMaa. Backgrounds by Gasara.
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I'm kind of cynical and weird so if my comments seem strange, I apologize in advance.

Please do not redistribute my work or use anything without my permission.

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:icongabycoutino:
GabyCoutino Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
Nice gallery

Have a bunny
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BloodRavens1 Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2018   Traditional Artist
Happy b-day *gives you strawberry cake* I hope we can be friends or not Max Canada Lynx - I'm a Big Baby (notmine) 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKJkKn…    cat emperor by BloodRavens1  Wizard Cat by BloodRavens1  Cat sleeping on dude face by BloodRavens1
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birthdays Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2018
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

It's September 28th which means it's that time of the year again and your special day is here! We hope you have an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

:iconchampagneplz: Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love: :iconchampagneplz:

Birthday Clown v.2 by birthdays MenInASuitcase by love4Julius Happy Birthday by Brigitte-Fredensborg HAPPY B-DAY Icon by Rawrexe :happy birthday: by iDJPanda          



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This birthday greeting was brought to you by: LDFranklin
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:iconjjjmadness:
JJJMadness Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
 candlescandlescandlescandlescandlescandlescandlescandles
 Scalpel (Left)Tini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeTini Vintage Syringe
       bunch of smiley facesbunch of smiley facesbunch of smiley facesbunch of smiley facesbunch of smiley faces Eyeball  bunch of smiley facesbunch of smiley facesbunch of smiley facesbunch of smiley facesbunch of smiley faces
       bunch of smiley facesbunch of smiley facesTini Cleaver (Right)  Tini Preserved Heart Moving Eye Ball Cup Cake 50x50 icon  Broken Heart  Moving Eye Ball Cup Cake 50x50 icon  Tini Preserved Heart Tini Cleaver (Left)bunch of smiley facesbunch of smiley faces
       bunch of smiley facesPill AvatarMoving Eyeballs Cake Type 2 50x50 icon Virtual Retro LED - HVirtual Retro LED - AVirtual Retro LED - PVirtual Retro LED - PVirtual Retro LED - Y Moving Eyeballs Cake Type 2 50x50 iconPopsiclebunch of smiley faces
  GHOST HEART Moving Eyeballs Cake 50x50 iconVirtual Retro LED - BVirtual Retro LED - IVirtual Retro LED - RVirtual Retro LED - TVirtual Retro LED - HVirtual Retro LED - DVirtual Retro LED - AVirtual Retro LED - YMoving Eyeballs Cake 50x50 icon GHOST HEART 
Tini Vintage Syringe leftTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeEyesTini EyeScalpel (Right)
 candlescandlescandlescandlescandlescandlescandlescandles
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:iconluckypenny418:
Luckypenny418 Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
birthday happy : >
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