Attack of the 50 Foot Marge
By Robert L. Fitzpatrick
“I’ve never spoken with government agents before.” Marge nervously eyeballed the man and the woman across the table.
“Don’t worry about a thing, Mrs. Simpson. Just think of the two of us as being government employees. Like reporters for People Week Magazine. Just forget about the tape recorder here and tell us your story - we’re very interested in hearing it.”
“Oh...and we already made a movie deal…if that’s okay...”
“The government would like to hear your side of the story; just tell us what happened...piece by piece.”
“My story? Oh yes. Well, it had a pretty uninteresting start. I was taking little Maggie, that’s my daughter, out in the stroller around a newly-opened shopping district here in Springfield. It was a nice sunny day, and I thought I’d look for shoes - I have pretty big feet...well they got a lot bigger after that afternoon. Anyway, as the two of us were enjoying the sunshine, that UFO that you heard about appeared. I’ve met these guys before, but I don’t usually tell anyone about it for fear that people will think I’m crazy.”
“What do you mean, you’ve met them before? The pilots of the UFO?”
“Oh yes...Kang and Kodos.”
“They have names?”
“Oh yes. They’re very proud of their names...almost too proud if you ask me. Darned if I can tell them apart, though.”
“So you knew the aliens on the ship. Go on…”
As the saucer shaped spaceship got closer to Earth, the two green aliens inside continued their argument. They were hideous cycloptic creatures, with tentacles that writhed around like angry snakes and ample amounts of saliva that flowed from their gums. One of them pointed a tentacle to the computer screen in front of him.
“See what it says here? This memo from the Supreme High Council specifically states that we are to include Earth creatures in our studies on this deep run.”
The other alien glided over on his tentacles to see the screen. “Do we have to? We’ve probed those backward creatures for so long…and nothing really came of the research.”
“Read the memo, Kang. We don’t have to probe them anymore - we can get creative with the experiments. We can even use that ray beam over there on one.” Kodos pointed with his tentacle. “By the way, what is that thing anyway?”
Kang squinted his singular eye. “Why...I think that’s an IQ enhancer.”
“Well, don’t you label these things? A ‘place for everything, and everything in its place’ like the High Lord Commander teaches us…”
“I did label it, Kodos - it probably fell off. You know the adhesive on those labels is a bit flimsy sometimes…the dry air on the ship takes its toll on things like that. You saw what happened to my leisure suit on our last trip out...totally ruined.”
“Anyway, let’s find a suitable Earth specimen to experiment with.” Kodos began turning a knob with his tentacle, and pictures of various humans began appearing on a large viewing screen. The pictures included famous celebrities, politicians, and normal citizens.
“Wait - that one with the large blue hair...the one named Marge Simpson. She would make a suitable subject, would she not?”
“I agree Kang. I will dial a course for this Springfield habitation.”
“But...will this Marge Simpson turn into an evil mastermind like that turnip creature on Kalgoroth 18? We almost never heard the end of that revolution we started there.”
“So what if she does - it will make a most interesting experiment to show off to the science council. Besides, they’re so backward, what could a little more intelligence hurt?”
With that Kang and Kodos began a cackle of evil laughter that built into a crescendo that echoed around the ship.
As Marge Simpson walked around the outdoor shopping mall with her daughter in the stroller, she was still annoyed by what she found in the shoe store.
“Can you believe that Maggie? They didn’t have a single shoe my size.”
Marge then noticed that Maggie was pointing up into the sky.
“I know you want a balloon...if I find some around here, I’ll buy you one.”
Maggie was still pointing up. As Marge looked up into the sky, she saw a circular object coming closer to the two of them. As she began to hear the humming of the space vehicle above them, she cringed - she recognized this vehicle. “Oh nuts...not these guys again…”
Before Marge could seek some shelter, she was bathed in a beam of bright light. She felt her body being lifted up toward the ship, and she had no control of it. Maggie was left behind in the stroller as her mother was brought inside of the ship. She then was unceremoniously dumped onto something that resembled a piece of Earth furniture. When the light died down, the two hideous aliens confronted her. One carried what looked like a dangerous weapon in its tentacle.
“Good day, Marge Simpson.”
“I knew it was you guys...haven’t I had enough trouble with you weirdos as it is?”
“Marge...we need you to help us with a little experiment.”
“Listen Kang, my daughter is down there in the parking lot alone…”
“I’m Kodos...this is Kang…”
“Well, how am I supposed to tell the difference?”
Kodos pointed to a blemish on his skin with his tentacle. “Chuh...birthmark…”
“Whatever. You’re both as ugly as a mud fence to me - you look like boiled frogs. And my daughter is still very alone down there.”
“This will only take a second, and you will be on your way...I promise.”
Marge’s eyes got huge as Kang approached with his weapon in hand. “Oh for Pete’s sake Kodos…”
“I’m Kang - that’s Kodos…”
“Whatever...you’re not going to shoot me, are you?”
Kang looked at the device in this hand. “What, this? This is merely a label maker. This won’t harm you in any way. A place for everything, and everything in its place.” To demonstrate, the alien quickly printed out a label. “See?”
Marge laughed nervously. “Thank God - I thought you were going to shoot me with a gun.”
“No. We’re going to blast you with that ray device over there. We think it’s an IQ enhancer. Kodos, activate the device.”
Before she could shout out, Marge was blasted with a bright beam of light from the device. As quickly as it started, it was over. A nervous Marge could feel her skin tingle from the beam of light. Kang slithered over to observe his specimen. Her eyes, wide open, darted around the ship.
“Okay Marge - share some of your increased knowledge with us. Are there math formulae gathering in your head? Do you have any Jovian poetry you can share with us? Tell us what you know about quantum physics…”
Marge gave a puzzled look at the aliens. “Was...was something supposed to happen?”
“You mean your head isn’t filling up with philosophy from Orion? With languages from ancient Antares? What’s the square root of 61,000 to the third power?”
“What? What is this, an episode of Jeopardy?”
Kang got a sour look on his alien face as he slithered around the ship. “See? See? This is what I’m talking about. You see? These humans are so stupid! Stupid! At least when we probed them, we got something from them.”
Kodos groaned as he squinted his eye. “And what, exactly, did we get from them?”
Marge sheepishly looked at the aliens. “Do you need to do any surgery to me, or am I free to leave?”
Kang waved an angry tentacle. “Drop her back off with her child.” Following the instruction, Kodos tapped a button on his panel, and Marge was dumped off the ship. Kang was still annoyed.
“This race is a complete waste of time.” He got even angrier when he noticed a ladybug on the floor of the ship that had somehow flown in. He pointed to it. “I could probably boost the IQ of this insect quicker than I could a human being.” Kang blasted the bug with the ray, and it quickly flew away from him.
This brought a worried look from Kodos. “Kang, do you really think that was wise? I mean, we’re not totally sure what that beam even is - you thought it was an IQ booster.”
“Oh, Zorg’s space droppings. What harm could it do.” Kang then noticed something on the floor, and began to chuckle. He picked it up. “Look at this, Kodos - it’s that missing label from the ray machine. So that’s what it is - it’s not an IQ booster, it’s a matter enlarger!”
“Matter enlarger?” Kodos gave Kang a worried look, and Kang returned an expression of horror.
“By the seven suns of the Ring Nebula - help me find that darned bug!”
Kodos looked at Marge on the televideo screen. “And we unleashed our test subject on the Earthlings…”
Chief Wiggum helped Marge get to her feet. “Are you okay, Mrs. Simpson?”
“Other than a bruised butt, just fine.” She then looked after Maggie, who was happy to see her mother again.
He looked back at his two officers. “We were gonna arrest you for child endangerment, but then we saw the flying saucer up there. We don’t have any type of paperwork for something like that, so we decided to let you go on your way.”
“That’s mighty big of you, Chief.” Marge then squinted her eyes at Wiggum. She gently grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him up and down. “Did you shrink or something? I thought I remember you being taller. Whatever - never mind. I’m taking Maggie home.”
Before she could take her daughter home, Marge had to adjust the seat back in her station wagon - she hadn’t remembered doing that in years. The steering wheel just seemed too close in. By the time she got home, she was able to put Maggie down for an afternoon nap. She just didn’t feel right; her hands and feet felt swollen. After kicking off her shoes, she took off her wedding ring which was starting to feel uncomfortable. The ring was difficult to get off of her finger, but she managed it. When Homer and the kids got home, she didn’t feel like even being around them. Homer was droning on and on like an extra one of her children.
“You’ll never believe what happened at work today…”
“After a bet with Lenny and Carl, I got my hand stuck in the candy machine again.”
“Oh...and that was the highlight of your day? No alien encounters, abductions, anything like that. You weren’t experimented on by aliens...”
“Why, no...but look at my hand - it’s all bruised.”
“Will you be stupid enough to do it again?” All Marge did was just to growl like she always did. “You know what? I’m going to bed. You need to make sure the kids are taken care of. And Maggie is going to be hungry when she gets up. Lisa, could you look after that? I don’t feel well at all.”
Homer just stared. “But what about dinner?”
“You’re not a refugee.” Marge pointed to the freezer. “Frozen dinners...you remember how to use a microwave.” With that she marched up the stairs to bed.
Lisa looked up at Homer. “She must really feel rotten; you get the dinners while I look in on Maggie.”
Homer just stared up the staircase. “Yeah...we’ve got that frozen fish from Monstro Mart.”
Marge slept all through the night. Her mind was filled with worried dreams of being a Gulliver-sized ocean voyager, tied to the beach by scores of Lilliputians. When she awoke, she was able to do what she could to get the kids off to school. Marge greeted Homie before he left for work, giving him a peck on the forehead.
“Sorry I was such a grump last night,” she told him.
“Oh, that’s okay - we managed.”
“And don’t forget to put your shoes on - you’d look awfully funny going to work without them.”
Homer got a strange look on his face. “But I’ve got them on.”
Marge looked down - sure enough, he had them on. She put the palm of her hand above his head, as if to measure him - he still looked markedly shorter. She wished him well and sent him off to work.
Marge couldn’t get an appointment with Dr. Hibbert until that next day; by then she knew that something was terribly wrong. She actually bumped her head into the bedroom doorway after she got up. On top of that, her clothes wouldn’t fit - they were like trying to put on childrens’ clothes.
Dr. Hibbert had his typical jovial attitude when he gave her his prognosis. Marge couldn’t share his upbeat attitude.
“By what I can find Marge, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a perfectly normal 6 foot 4 inch tall woman.”
She glared down at him like he was talking nonsense. “I have never been that tall in my life - you’ve known me for years. I feel like a center for a basketball team. I had to buy men’s flip flops and a whole new outfit just to have something to wear over here.”
He had no idea of what to tell her, other than that he was going to track her progress. This didn’t give her any comfort either; she collected up Maggie and went about her way. She had to again adjust her seat in the station wagon, and then got annoyed by her head touching the ceiling of the car; her hair went out behind her along the ceiling, like a poplar tree felled by a windstorm.
The one government official continued reading over his notes. “So it was at this time that the growth increased in intensity…”
“Oh my yes. By that next morning I had to crawl out of the house to escape it. The only thing I could wear were bedsheets. Darn it, those were really nice bedsheets, by the way.”
“How tall were you by this time?”
“I was 24 feet tall...the kids made it their mission to measure me in the backyard. My hands to the tip of my fingers were as long as a yardstick. My foot was nearly four feet long. Bart and Lisa found it to be quite an adventure; I was somewhat less amused than they were.”
“So where did you move to if you couldn’t stay in your house?”
“Remember that old amusement park Ned Flanders tried to make work? Praiseland? He made a few phone calls and there was a huge circus tent still there. They quietly snuck me over there in a moving truck. The whole experience was so humiliating.”
Dr. Hibbert’s SUV finally came back to where Marge was now living; he parked next to the large circus tent and got out. Ned Flanders and Homer met him there.
“I came as fast as I could...it’s a little hard driving back here. Why is she living back here? Why all the secrecy?”
Ned answered him. “You can thank me for the new living arrangement, Doctor. I never knew this place was going to be a true blessing in disguise.”
“But why is she not living in her house? This can’t be a healthy place for her to live.”
Ned gave Homer a nervous look. “Maybe it’d be better to just show you…”
Homer called to her. “Hey honey - come on out. Dr. Hibbert is here.”
The opening in the tent began to move, but the movement struck him as odd; the flap of the tent was moving open a good twenty feet above their heads. Fingers nearly three feet long and the size of thick tree limbs parted the tent fold, and a gigantic Marge came out. She gazed down at the miniature doctor, who began to back away like a frightened animal.
“I won’t hurt you,” she told him. “I wish you wouldn’t back off like that - everyone does that. Am I really that scary? I’ve been your patient for years.”
“Why, uh...of course not, Mrs. Simpson…”
“And I’ll watch my voice,” she told him, “my family says that it sounds really loud.”
“But Marge...you were in my office just the other day...how...how…”
“How tall am I? The kids measured me just this morning; I had to lay down on the ground for them to do it. Lisa, tell him how tall I am.”
Proudly, scientifically she answered. “She now stands 30 feet tall, Dr. Hibbert.”
Bart stepped up with a large construction measuring tape. “We measured her with this.”
Sure enough, Hibbert barely came up to her knee. She was dressed in flowing cotton, and otherwise looked perfectly normal. “But how did you find something to wear?”
Homer twiddled his fingers in the air. “That would be me. I know where Mr. Burns keeps his yacht berthed - he doesn’t know it’s missing a sail yet. If he asks you, please don’t tell him.”
“Why Mrs. Simpson...this is truly the medical find of the century…”
“You’ll forgive me for not sharing your enthusiasm, doctor. My kids here would be happy just getting their mom back. Do you know how hard it is changing Maggie like this?”
“I’ve got to make some phone calls...I’ve got friends at the university upstate…”
Again, Ned spoke up. “You can understand my neighboreenos here want to keep this matter a little private...or this circus tent here will quickly turn into a real circus…”
“Oh, yes...of course.”
While Hibbert excitedly made his phone calls, Marge opened a little pouch in her outfit just below her right shoulder. Maggie popped her head out and smiled at her mother; Marge responded by scratching her head with her huge index finger, causing her to giggle. Mother was bigger, but she was still Marge.
The one government agent offered Marge Simpson a cigarette from his pack, and she waved it away with her hand.
“You did want to keep the matter private, but it didn’t stay that way for long…”
“No, it didn’t. I knew we were in the soup once Hibbert began making a million phone calls to his cronies. He loved throwing around terms like ‘increased stature’ and various Latin words for my situation. But what else could we do - he was our only hope at finding a way out of this mess.”
“...And you were still growing…”
Marge’s eyes lowered. “Yeah...I was getting bigger. The growing finally, thankfully began to stop not long after that. But by now I was 50 feet tall. Little did I know that my real problems were just starting.”
Marge finally found some refuge from the stress of her situation by making things for herself; she’d made a handy pair of shoes her size from part of Burns’ boat sail and fishing line. The huge pin that she used as a needle had come from a machine shop near the marina; Homer, it seemed, had a knack for finding and obtaining certain items. As odd as life had turned out, maybe things would be fine until they found a cure for her...if they found a cure. Maggie watched her with fascination as she plied her craft. Marge eyed the shoes with some measure of satisfaction, and then gently poked Maggie in the tummy causing her to giggle. Unknown to her, there was some excitement brewing outside of the tent.
Ned noticed that a green sedan was nearing where they were at the tent. “Hey Homer - who’s that?”
Homer recognized the car. “Oh, nuts…”
As the car pulled up, an angry Edna Krabappel stepped out. “Okay Mr. Simpson, where are the children? They’ve been gone from school for days.”
He mimicked the question. “Where? Oh, we’ve been handling some family issues.”
“We’ve had no notification at the school. Where are they?”
Homer made a pushing motion downward with his hands. “It’s probably not good to upset my wife with this right now…”
“Why? Have you hurt them? Should I call the police?”
Ned tried to intervene. “What seems to be the problemo, Edna?”
“I have been trying to call the Simpsons for days…I’ve been by the house...”
Homer smiled as he blushed. “I forgot...the cell service is rotten out here.”
She put out her hands. “Why are you here? And where are the kids? All I wanted to do was have a talk with your mother about Bart’s behavior - and then he goes missing. I called Chief Wiggum to make a welfare check, and he told me you were out here. Why, for crying out loud? Why are you here in this place?”
Bart and Lisa then sheepishly emerged from behind her. “We’re here...we’re fine,” Lisa told her.
She pointed an angry finger at young Bart. “You and I have a lot to talk about, young man. Just wait until I find your mother...”
Bart pointed up into the sky behind her and said in a calm voice, “Don’t worry man - I think she’ll find you.”
Edna Krabappel was suddenly aware that she was covered in shadow, as if the sky had been blotted out by clouds. She slowly turned to see what looked like two massive sequoia trees covered in white cloth towering behind her. As her eyes went up the tree trunks, she then realized that she was looking at Bart’s mother, staring down at her from the sky. It was surreal, like looking up at a large statue. The statue moved in to get a closer look at the noisy little creature in her midst, and then let out one of those trademark Marge growls. The huge mouth then opened as she began to speak.
“My family has been a little preoccupied with my current medical status; you’ll forgive me for not contacting the school, but we’ve needed privacy in this matter.”
Edna, who now felt the size of a doll, didn’t know what else to do except to answer the giant. “Why...uh, yes...of course…”
“If you would grace us with the kids’ homework, I’ll make sure they get it finished. And again, I’d appreciate you considering our privacy in this situation.”
“Why, yes...certainly...of course…”
“Now, move along…”
“Yes...uh...I’m moving along...moving along…”
Edna awkwardly opened her car door, fumbled with the keys, and then sped off.
While Ned chuckled, Homer looked up at his wife. “Marge, you enjoyed that. You enjoyed that way too much.”
“Well, I just wanted to stand up for my family is all.”
Bart chuckled. “Yeah, right.”
“And you, you little stinker....” Marge now turned her attention to her son. The large yellow hand began to pursue him like a hungry predator floating through the air. Bart tried to run, but the other hand caught him and wrapped its fingers around him.
“No! Not that! Anything but that!”
Bart yelled in a combination of mock horror and laughter as the giant fingers tickled his belly. It was relentless, and there was no fighting the fingers off. His sister Lisa was nearly doubled over laughing as she pointed to him. “You deserved that, Bart…”
Finally, the giant fingers released Bart; they then gently straightened out his shirt. The loud but caring voice came down from the sky as Marge looked at her son. “Bart, why do you always have to push that woman’s buttons? Can’t you just behave for once? We’re trying to keep this whole thing a secret. Now we just need to hope that she doesn’t blab this all over town.”
“Oh, I’ll try mom.” He then put up his hand for a high five, which went into Marge’s huge palm. “You gotta admit Mom, that was awesome.”
The huge finger gave him one more gentle poke in the belly. “Just be good.”
The giant Marge stretched and yawned. “I wish I could go somewhere...I’m about to go stir crazy around here.”
“Yeah Marge,” asked Homer, “but where?”
“This place butts up against the woods,” Ned told them. “I don’t see what harm it would do to take a walk back there. Who would possibly see us?”
As the Simpsons enjoyed their walk in the woods, Marge finally had a chance to forget about her troubles for a brief time.
At a rundown cabin at the edge of the woods, a buck-toothed woman shouted for her husband. “Cletus! Cletus - come here!”
“What, woman? You know I got to get this still hid before the lawman comes around…”
“Just come here an’ see this!!”
Cletus watched the gigantic pillar of hair rising up above the tops of the trees like a blue tornado - and it was moving. He grabbed his shotgun.
“Where you think yer goin’”
“I got to see that...I kin track it.”
“What you goin’ to do with it when ye catch it?” She then grabbed his sleeve. “Cletus - be careful.”
The lady government agent offered Marge a bottled water, and she accepted it. It was around this time that the little secret got out…
“Yeah...the genie was out of the bottle, and there was no getting it back in. It began that next day when Lisa came running in with our battery powered television set…
The grim face of Kent Brockman filled the screen. Lisa placed the tiny TV set into the palm of Marge’s huge hand, and they both watched. "This is a Channel Six special report on the attack of Bigfoot."
Marge laughed. "Bigfoot? What's this all about? Who would believe this nonsense?"
Lisa looked worried. "Mom, just listen."
Kent went on. "It is this reporter's opinion that we're dealing with something that threatens our city. Bigfoot has been seen, he's left footprints, and several citizens of our fair town
are missing. Are they being kept against their will? Or does Bigfoot crave human flesh? For now, only these hapless victims know…” Marge gasped as the pictures of her family and Ned flashed on the screen.
"It must have been the walk! Just an innocent little walk in the woods!"
Kent continued. "I interviewed Cletus Spuckler who happens to live near where Bigfoot carried on his murderous rampage. He was able to track this monster for a brief time.
Cletus, did you see any of the victims? Did you notice any piles of bones in the woods which might have been from our missing families?"
"No, I didn't see none of them thangs. I did hear it growl - it made a sound that shook me to mah very bones."
Marge growled. "I don't growl like that..."
"Ah chased it to the edge of the old Praiseland amusement park before it jes got too dangerous to persue it futher; ahm not a superstitious man, but it jes don't do to tempt fate..."
"I also interviewed school teacher Edna Krabappel, who was briefly captured by Bigfoot. Edna, can you describe the monster for me?"
"She held me in her grasp..."
"Oh, it was a she..."
"Yes...and I also met her husband and children."
"There you have it, folks - a News Six exclusive. There are a family of bigfoots rampaging around the area of the old Praiseland amusement park.” The camera moved in closer for effect. “Neither I nor this station endorse violent mobs of enraged citizens doing anything rash, but we'll leave that up to you the viewers. We will keep you apprised of events as they happen..."
Across town at Moe's Bar a crowd had gathered. Moe Szyslak shut off the television. "I don't know about you wugs, but I've heard enough. Those bigfeets probably ate Homer and his family, and I say that we gotta put an end to this reign of terror."
Sideshow Mel joined in. "I say we march down there and grab them by the horns!"
Otto looked confused. "But dude...they don't have horns..."
"We'll grab them by something! Who's with me?"
The crowd let out an enthusiastic cheer and then poured out of the bar. Moe tried to stop them. “Guys! Guys! We’re missing something. We need wooden torches...on fire. . And pitchforks And we need to march up there like an organized mob, not just a band of hoodlums.”
Thoughtfully, Sideshow Mel reflected on this. “He’s right, you know.”
After lighting their torches, Moe assembled them again. “Okay - let’s rampage!”
The more that Marge watched the news footage, the more angry she got. Kent Brockman was now interviewing Professor Frink at the sight where some of the footprints were found.
“Judging by the size and the depth of these footprints, our creature must weigh at least 70 tons…”
Marge growled again. “I do not weigh that much; I probably don’t weigh a hair over 32 tons.” She then cast an annoyed glance at the kids. “Where is that father of yours? It’s getting late.”
Bart answered. “I think he said that he was going over to Auto World.”
It was then that Homer entered the tent. “Hey honey, I’m back.”
Marge was ready to pounce. “What were you doing at Auto World?”
Homer began to open the bagged item he was holding. “Remember those mod chain steering wheels they used to put on hot rods?”
“I had my buddies Clem and Virgil over there work on one.” He pulled the steering wheel out - the spokes and center piece had been removed, and all that was left was just a circular chain.
“What do we need with a steering wheel?”
Homer held it up proudly. “I figured that since your wedding ring didn’t fit right now, I’d give you a temporary one. Hold out your hand.”
Marge blushed, and complied with the request...she put out her left hand, and Homer placed the steering wheel on her ring finger. She could have melted.
“Oh Homie...you didn’t have to do this - we’ll always be married. But it was a nice gesture, though. And it fits!” She smiled as she admired her new “ring.”
Bart curled up his face. “You two aren’t gonna get all gushy on us, are you?”
Lisa, who’d been peeking out of the tent fold, looked back at everyone with concern. “Guys, I think we’re going to have company.”
It was soon apparent by the noise outside that a crowd had assembled near the circus tent. The voice of Moe Szyslak could be heard on a bullhorn just beyond their canvas walls. “Come on out, Bigfoot - we have you surrounded! Surrender, or we’ll burn your tent to the ground!”
Again, Otto the bus driver got a puzzled look. “Dude, since when does Bigfoot live in a tent?”
Moe shrugged his shoulders. “Oh, I dunno. I figure they got to live somewhere. Why not a tent?”
Seymour Skinner rubbed his chin. “I suppose they could live in a hovel of wooden sticks and leaves…”
Seymour’s mother pointed up. “The tent’s moving!”
Moe spoke to the mob. “Okay guys, get your guns ready!”
Ruth Powers answered back. “But none of us have guns.”
“Oh. Then start looking for stones and sticks…there’s a good tree limb over there - we could swing that...”
The tent fold began to part, and Marge Simpson emerged from the darkness; that hairdo began to rise out from the shadows like a thick pall of blue smoke from a genie’s lamp. From the height of a small building Marge’s angry eyes scanned the frightened crowd still clutching to their burning torches. She opened her mouth, and her booming voice addressed the mob.
“For the love of Mike, who are you people?”
Moe looked up, and then sheepishly began to speak. “Oh...Midge - it’s you…”
“The name is Marge - and what is all this about?”
Moe turned to Professor Frink and whispered loudly. “I thought you said this was a Bigfoot…we’ve really got ourselves out on the line here...”
“Ah well, I did say that this creature had rather large feet - I was technically correct…”
Marge pointed a huge finger down like a vengeful yellow tree limb at the Professor. “I saw you on TV - you said I weigh 70 tons. I saw that…”
“Well, figuring the dimensions of the print and using mathematics…”
“I don’t care - just get out. All of you. Get lost before I really blow my top!”
Moe stammered. “Uh Midge…”
“Yeah....just one question before we go. Did ya eat your family? And if so, why?”
The Simpsons and Ned began to emerge from the tent. “Eat my...my family is right here. Now get out of here - we’ll talk about this tomorrow sometime.”
Moe responded. “Sure...that’s a good idea, Midge. C’mon guys, we can fall back to the bar and I may give some of you wugs a discount on beer.”
As the crowd began to cautiously creep back under the watchful glance of Marge, the rest of the Simpsons breathed a sigh of relief.
“That was close,” Lisa remarked. “Mom would have swatted them…”
Bart squeezed his eyes and grinned. “Cool…I would have paid money to see that...”
Just when things had calmed down, the blowing of a car horn and squealing tires could be heard. Chief Wiggum quickly pulled up in a police van, and stepped out of the driver’s side door.
“Hey guys, I brought the tear gas and the capture nets. Let’s kick old Bigfoot’s butt!” He looked at the panicked faces around him. “What...did I come at a bad time?”
From the evening sky above him, a loud growl echoed across the abandoned amusement park. Wiggum turned and looked up at the source of the growl. “Marge! So you weren’t eaten by bigfoot after all!”
“That does it!”
The crowd watched in horror as Marge’s huge hand swooped down and grabbed the police van like a toy. The vehicle was hoisted up into the air in front of the frightened onlookers.
“Now Marge, that is city property…”
The mob began to run as the van was hurled across the amusement park; it landed with a crunch of metal and broken glass. Behind them the crowd heard the booming footfalls of Marge as she started to follow them. Her anger was now like an uncontrolled forest fire, and they were the ones holding the match that started it.
Lisa tugged at Homer’s arm. “Dad - you’ve got to stop her…”
“Stop her? I can’t stop her when she’s this mad even at her normal size!”
“You’ve got to do something…”
As Wiggum ran with the rest of the crowd, he tried to talk on his police radio. “I’m going to need back-up...at the old Praiseland amusement park!”
“Back-up for what?”
“Just send some back-up!”
The government agent glanced at his papers. “Mrs. Simpson, you did quite a bit of property damage once you got to town…”
“Well, you can understand that I was a bit irritated by this time…”
The second government agent looked at her over her reading glasses.
“Oh, alright...I was mad as all hell. Here’s what happened when I got to town…”
As air raid sirens wailed and searchlights penetrated the evening skies, Kent Brockman got ready for his news update. He was looking off to his left at the approaching giant. “Wow...she made a mess of the Krusty Burger...oh, are we on? Good evening Springfield. This Bigfoot story has taken more turns than the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Forget Bigfoot. What we are dealing with is an even bigger problem - a 50 foot tall Marge Simpson is tearing up Springfield, and boy is she angry…”
Marge walked up to a large lighted billboard sign for Laramie cigarettes; it was a cowboy with neon lighting all over it. She growled as she tore its arm off, and then cast it to the street below. “Never liked smoking anyway…”
Kent Brockman ran along by Marge’s walking pace and tried to get an interview; he had a hard time keeping up with her with his bulky mass. “Mrs. Simpson...have you ever seen Bigfoot?”
“So the stories of bones in the woods are unsubstantiated then…”
“Mrs. Simpson - why are you attacking our town?”
The huge figure stopped, and turned to look down at the tiny reporter on the street. “Because I’m on rampage right now. That’s what giants do - they rampage. You people have made me angry enough for one night...now buzz off, if you know what’s good for you.”
“So you’re going to continue rampaging then…”
“You can have a full interview when I’m done.” Marge jerked a thumb behind her. “Now get lost.”
As the giant footfalls left the reporter behind, he tried to regain his composure. Marge’s angry mumblings to herself faded off into the distance as Kent again faced the camera. “There you have it folks - a determined woman...on rampage. And now, to our eye-in-the-sky reporter.”
“The inbound Roddenberry Bridge is going to be tied up for a while, because of construction, and because of that giant woman attacking the town. Watch for flying cars and other objects on the commute in - if you’ve got a kevlar helmet and a flak jacket, wear them. Expect at least an extra 20 minutes getting into the downtown…”
As Lisa Simpson watched in horror at her mother tearing apart the town, Homer shoved a hotdog into his mouth.
“Dad, how can you eat at a time like this?”
“I’m hungry. Besides, your mother will run out of steam soon. We’ll all laugh about this tomorrow.” Halfway through his hotdog, the food dropped from his hands as Homer saw something. “Oh no...this can’t be…”
“What? What Dad, what?”
Bart was even surprised. “Must have been big for him to abandon food…”
Homer ran off in a panic. “I’ve got to stop this…”
The kids tried to keep up as Homer went off running into the zone of destruction left by their mother.
When Homer and the kids arrived at Lard Lad Donuts, they were met by Chief Wiggum and his officers. Wiggum looked worried and visibly shaken. “Homer, we have to stop your wife…”
“But it’s Marge we’re talking about…”
Wiggum pointed up at the iconic donut sign. “But look…”
“I know...I know…”
Wiggum looked grim. “We back away from the donut store, and she destroys it. The line must be drawn here...this far...no farther…”
Lisa rolled her eyes. “You don’t make a very good Picard.”
“You mean someone else already used that line?”
Bart pointed. “Look man!”
Marge reached out with both hands and grabbed the huge donut on the store sign. As she began applying her titanic strength, the sound of metal creaking filled the night air. Homer flailed his arms as he called out to his wife. “Marge - for the love of all that’s decent...no!”
Chief Wiggum wasted no time in trying to stop Marge. He loaded a rubber pellet into a riot gun and aimed. The weapon went off with a loud ‘bloop’ sound. Marge was struck on the side of her hip.
The giant turned her attention to the police chief. That monstrous booming growl came down from the sky. Homer chided him. “You really didn’t have a plan with this, did you…”
Marge threw the metal donut on top of Wiggum. He yelled out, but to his surprise, he ended up in the hollow middle of the metal ring. His officers quickly came to check up on him.
“You okay Chief?”
“What do you know...I was saved by the donut middle!”
Bart added a comment. “You’re just lucky, man. If this had been a burger joint, you would have been smushed like a bug.”
High above the panicked crowds and the rampaging giant, a silver saucer wobbled in a strange pattern over the city. Inside Kodos watched the destruction on a televideo monitor.
“Kang - you need to see this…”
Kang had problems of his own. He was using a sweep broom to battle the gigantic ladybug, who was trying valiantly to mount an attack on the alien.
“Kang…the Earth woman is gigantic. How do you think the council will respond to this?”
After swinging the broom, the alien answered back. “A little busy here Kodos...a little help would be nice…” Again he took a swing and missed the bug, which was easily bigger than a basketball and very angry.
As the gigantic Marge entered the town square, the thumping of her booming footsteps heralded her arrival. Over near the statue of Jedediah Springfield, Professor Frink was waiting for her. Mayor Quimby nervously watched the tornado funnel of blue hair above the buildings as it got closer; the giant approached like an angry storm to where the men stood. Chief Wiggum brought the Simpsons over in his squad car.
The Mayor rubbed his hands. “Frink, are you sure this serum of yours will work? The voters are counting on me…”
“I tested the serum on some mice in my lab…”
“I didn’t see any mice in there tonight…”
“See? Then it must have worked.”
The Mayor returned an annoyed glance.
Next to the two stood Hans Moleman, who was holding an enormous syringe the size of a small torpedo. The needle extended out of the front like a fencing sabre, and on the back was a plastic plunger with a round piece of plastic the width of a softball to inject the medicine with.
As Marge came up to the men Frink spoke to her on his megaphone.
“Marge, Marge Simpson...do you recognize us?”
Marge growled. “Of course I recognize you. I didn’t get feeble - I just grew.”
“Marge...we wish to help you. We want to help you to get well. Do you understand?”
Marge pointed. “Yeah, but not with that thing - I’m scared of needles.”
Lisa just shook her head. “This isn’t going to go well…”
Bart added his two cents. “About time - we need some more attacking in this thing. It’s supposed to be the ‘Attack of the 50 Foot woman.’” This was met by an angry stare from his sister.
The Mayor pointed. “Well, get on with it Hans. Get going.”
“Uh...um...do I really need to be the one to do this?”
“The Professor is much too valuable to sacrifice - you are of very little use to anyone. Get moving.”
Hans looked down. “Oh, I guess you’re right about that…”
The little man ran up to Marge’s right ankle and plunged the needle in. The giant let out a yell of pain, and reached down to pull the needle out of her. As Hans began to back away, Marge menacingly held the needle up like a weapon. Before he could run away, she launched the needle with her hand - it plunged into Hans Moleman’s coat and pinned him to the ground like a harpoon.
As Hans struggled he moaned, “Oh dear…I this is a new jacket. I knew this was going to be a bad day...”
Bart’s eyes got big. “Cool!”
Still angry, the giant wandered on. The Mayor just shook his head. “My political career is over.”
Hans was still pinned to the ground. “A little help here would be greatly appreciated…”
The Mayor went over to talk to Homer. “She’s your wife - you’ve got to talk to her.”
“But that never worked before…” He saw the look of anger in his eyes. “Okay, okay - I’ll try to reason with her.”
The one government agent brought Marge the coffee that she’d asked for.
“But you were still angry…”
You’re darn tootin’ I was still angry. That needle hurt. I could have kept rampaging for half the night.”
“Tell us what happened after that…”
Marge’s family caught up with her several blocks later. Homer ran up to talk with his angry wife. The giant glanced down, as if she were looking at a barking yip-yap dog.
“Marge, you’ve got to stop this.”
“I’m still angry...get out of my way. Take the kids home - they don’t need to see this mindless annihilation. And while you’re at it, Apu has a sale on pop this week...”
“Marge Simpson, I’m standing up to you - you’ve got to stop this!”
Marge looked down at Homer. Her mouth pulled back into a stern smile. As annoying as this little creature was, it was still her husband. And she admired him for finally finding some backbone to stand up to her. Her son was standing next to him.
“Aw Ma,” Bart said, “at least do some structural damage to the school…”
“Leave out of this - your dad is right. Even though I’m still mad, maybe I should end this evening of carnage and devastation.”
The icing on the cake came as Ned Flanders brought up Maggie, who held her arms out. Marge just melted. A giant hand came down, and Ned placed the baby into it. Maggie then rose up into the air; she giggled as a giant finger scratched her hair.
Bart kicked the ground with his shoe. “Aw man, I was really expecting more destruction.”
Marge’s giant hand came up to Bart with an open palm, and he gave his mother a high five. “How was your mother tonight?”
“You were still awesome, Mom.”
As the mob gushed at Marge playing with Maggie in her hand, the giant suddenly got a strange look on her face.
Lisa noticed this. “What’s wrong, Mom?”
“Something’s happening to me…I feel funny”
As the crowd looked up, they noticed Marge’s clothing starting to look bigger on her - she was getting noticeably smaller. She could see that Maggie was getting larger in her hand.
The Professor was as stunned as anyone. “She must have gotten enough of the serum…”
As she dwindled in size, the shrinking began to speed up. When it was over, Marge peeked up through a sea of white linen cloth...she was still holding Maggie. She then looked down at her daughter. “You never lost faith in me, Squirt.” She again rubbed her head as she looked for her husband. “Homie?”
Homer Simpson pulled out a pocket knife, and opened the blade. “A soldier’s way saves the day.” With the knife he quickly cut a piece of the cloth and handed it over to his wife; there was just enough of it to use as clothing - Marge emerged looking like a college student at a toga party. There was much to discuss...much to fix and repair. But for now, the Simpsons took a bit of time to reunite as the crowd around them applauded.
Kent Brockman straightened out his tie. “Are we on? Well, there you have it, folks - the rampage is over, and Marge and her family are together again at last. The city is safe from Bigfoot, giants, and any other danger that would lay it in ruins. Tonight, the city sleeps in peace. This is Kent Brockman...signing off.” When the camera shut off, he grinned. “Hel-lo ‘Field Anchor of the Year’ award.”
Many thousands of miles away from Earth, two green aliens took some time to finalize their behavioral report of the blue planet. One of them chuckled to himself.
“Primitive creatures...quite unable to handle simple matter enlargement.”
“But still Kang, you must admire the Marge carbon unit for her character in the end. All of this will make a most interesting report for the Supreme High Council. The Earth creatures might not be the primates we once took them for.”
“Quite. Still, they’re little more than savages compared to us.”
Suddenly a buzzing noise could be heard from the back of the star cruiser.
“Kang - you did kill that huge insect, did you not?”
Space is airless, but were it not, two large green aliens would have been heard shouting from their silver saucer as they headed to their home world.
The government agent gathered together his paperwork. “That’s just about the whole story, Mrs. Simpson…”
“In a nutshell, yes.”
“But you mentioned that there was some damage to the town…”
“Yeah. The Mayor found a way for us to pay that off. The kids had fun with it.”
The crowd at Springfield’s annual science fiction convention was much larger than in previous years. There were several celebrities but most of the people were only there to see one person.
Marge Simpson cast an angry glance over to Mayor Quimby. “Do I really have to wear this bikini thingee? It’s really quite revealing…”
“That’s what people expect from a 50 foot rampaging giant woman. This bunch is paying $30 a shot to see you. This weekend will go a long way toward paying off the damage you did. Now smile, and hold up that toy car.”
Marge didn’t really mind the autograph signing - she had done a lot of damage as a giantess, and this was really an easy bit of community service to cover it. The thing that tickled her the most were the selfies with fans.
Down a few yards away, actor Patrick Stewart signed autographs for his fans. An anxious Star Trek fan had a question for him.
“Is it true that you’re going to be in the movie?”
“Yes...I’m playing Police Chief Wiggum in the movie, yes.”
“Could you give us a line?”
Patrick cleared his throat and got a serious look on his face. “We back away from the donut store, and she destroys it. The line must be drawn here...this far...no farther…” The fans applauded.
Marge then posed with two fans in Star Trek outfits, complete with Vulcan ears. “Give your camera over to Chief Wiggum there.” She smiled, and put her arms around each of the fans as Wiggum snapped the picture.
The Comic Book Guy was there as well talking with fans. “The novelized comic version comes out in December from some guy named Fitzpatrick, but I wouldn’t waste my money; worst comic book ever.”
Mayor Quimby chatted with the fans as well. “Would you like a picture with Marge and the Mayor? No?”
Montgomery Burns just stood there at the marina with his hands stretched out. His mouth was slack as he scanned his yacht up and down. He had an expression on his face as if he’d been struck with a frying pan.
“Sails, Smithers, sails! What happened to the sails?”