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9: The Adventure Of A Lifetime

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                            Chapter 9: The Adventure Of A Lifetime
    
    Thank God that we reached the inn; I thought that I was going to collapse right then and there. We reached the reception desk and asked for a room to stay for the night. The manager of the inn, Lilly I think, happily gave us the key to our room, except she was only smiling because Alec was standing in the room. I don't blame her for flirting with him. With his grey eyes, good looks & the most adorable smile that could make even the toughest chick to crack to go weak at the knees. She looked at me like she just won the battle, but before she could finish tormenting me; I gave her one of my signature glares while her eyes just screamed in terror. Silently walking up the stairs, I noticed how Alec stares at me whenever I walk like he just wants to keep me forever. As he took the keys from my hand, a small shock of electricity bolted through my nerves that left a tingly sensation when our hands touched. He looked up, our eyes, now that I noticed, were shining and gleaming brighter than usual, like the silvery diamonds glued to the black oblivion. Since our hands were full from the luggage that we carried, I pushed the door open with my foot, stepped inside and just stared in awe of the room.
    
    The room was comfortable, but not like "plain beige comfortable", it was "tropical paradise comfortable." While we put our bags on the bed (which I noticed there was only one) was very relaxing; The room, not the bed. It was built in a Spanish-island bungalow villa style. The tables were metal like the ones you see in Paris outside of the cafés, but on the top was covered with beautiful colorful patterns and designs of mosaic tiling, chairs were made of some strong, beautiful, smooth wood that had a peacock blue-green color for the cushions, the curtains were of the same color, but the only difference is that the curtains were made of satin and silk with island designs and embroidery. The walls were painted like a beach or maybe it must have been a picture of a magazine that just been blown up to fit the walls, the bathrooms were huge and relaxing. It was with two sinks and mirrors (great, I don't have to share!!!), the tiles were either made of some balsa wood or bamboo that felt smooth, crisp and soft like rain on a green spring day. The sinks were entirely of titanium and the counters were made of some exotic marble that I've never seen before. There were candles, aromatherapy, scented air freshener, perfume, oils, cream, soaps, shampoos, conditioner and towels on the side of the mirror was heated and scented with lavender or apple (I couldn't differentiate right now seeing as I lost consciousness in my body and senses).
    
    The room was perfect and beautiful like I imagined. I wanted to redecorate my room in something that fit my personality, but my parents said to me only this: "No, Anna Vasilisa. You may NOT redecorate your room. If you change it, you'll become messy and dirty and commoner like the people in the village, no you must leave it white, seeing it is simple, organized and easy to catch. If you redecorate this room without our permission, we'll have you thrown out in the streets for who you really are: a complete waste of space. Our decision is FINAL!"I remember that day when I was rejected and wasn't loved by my parents like I thought. I guess that they just wanted to keep me caged up like some animal at the zoo; you're miserable and no life of your own. Now, I'm free from them and their rules on how to behave accordingly in society, I can finally enjoy the things that I've always wanted in my life I never had before because of my parent's strict "suggestions." As soon as I sat on the bed, Alec sat too. I wondered what is it with him that I feel so much at peace whenever he's around me. Before I could ask him, we were both sound asleep. I was warm, happy and tired all from the things I had to deal with for the past two days.
    
    I don't remember how long I slept, but I woke up a little earlier than he did. I made sure I shifted out of his arm to go take a shower. Hey! I may be free from society, but at least I have my personal hygiene. I stripped off my clothes from the two days I've been on the run, turned on the shower and stepped inside. The warm, steamy water felt good on my skin and washed away all of my fears, questions and stress that I have had my entire life from being a prisoner to a simple girl. I felt happy that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want it. I decided to make use of my relaxation or "me time" to take the scented shampoo and conditioner to wash my head. I mean, come on! If I had been sweating all day yesterday (which I have), walking and running away from my family's guards, betrothed & parents, then I would take a shower right then and there, but I fell asleep before I could walk to get my clothes. After rinsing & washing away the sweet smell that I love so much, I stopped the shower to get out, get my clothes from my bag and change into what I'm going to wear for today when we run like thieves.
    
    Close to the shower door & curtain, there was a robe that seemed comfy, so I put it on to get my clothes from my suitcase. Unlocking the door, I went to the room, but just about to get what I needed, I saw Alec, shirtless and eating breakfast. I'll admit it: when he has clothes on, you can still notice the swimmer's body and a lot of muscle build, emphasis on the word A LOT, but without anything covering his upper part of his body, I saw how amazingly gorgeous he was, plus with the 8 pack, made him look dead sexy. He looked up at my entrance while I laughed hysterically in my mind that his eyes were about to pop out of his sockets. We still weren't talking, which turned into an awkward silence. My cheeks burned, blood passing through my cheeks turning my skin into a rosy color. I cleared my throat for me to at least say something to him.

"Alec, are you ok? Is something wrong?" I said concerned. He looked like he was drooling, which he was when he saw me only in that robe. It took him a while just to be able to breathe air into his lungs again and form a coherent and complete sentence when he's around me. The only time that he actually said a word (an improvement from not speaking just gawking) and took all of his strength just to say it. His chest moving very quickly, his heart beating like a hummingbird's wing, his cheeks grew warmer and blood rushed to his features to give his skin a little color in them. After 10 minutes of his trance, he took a deep enough breath and actually said something to me which was "Um, yeah I'm completely fine, so don't worry about me; worry about getting out of the country and being safe."

    The way he said that sentence: His voice was hiding something that he wasn't telling me, his eyes started to shine in broad daylight as soon as the words came out of his mouth; breathing air into his blood circulation was cut off and looked like he could have just told me everything in front of me. I was about to question further but decided to drop it. "He'll tell me when he's ready," I muttered to myself. Thank God he didn't hear me otherwise he would keep asking me "What did you say?" over and over again until I confessed. I got the clothes I wanted to wear and went back into the bathroom. I made sure the door was locked, so he couldn't come inside. I picked out a baby blue long waist jersey dress, a Mudd grey long-sleeved shirt and Versace blue jeans with black Converse sneakers. I decided to do something with my hair, so I blow-dried and ironed it silky straight, making sure there wasn't a wrinkle or hair out of place. Going with the natural look, I put on a light make up look, so I wasn't attracting attention but still getting attention at the same time.
    
    Alec knocked on the door, saying something about needed to take a shower and hurrying up. I finished in 4 and half minutes while getting out slowly. After the door was open and getting out, he rushed inside like a cheetah chasing a gazelle in the dry plains of Africa. While he was taking a shower, to pass the time, I decided to do something to keep my mind off of what I saw and help my brain focus on what we're going to do next. Reaching for my bag, I opened the zipper and reached in for the thing that I wanted, which was a journal and a pen. Back home, whenever I needed something to keep my mind occupied, I always think of something to write and just voice my thoughts on paper to a journal.
    
    This journal was my favorite among all the other ones that I've gotten over the years. It was huge like a dictionary or an atlas with thousands of blank pages (it used to be a photo album, but decided to write all of my thoughts, feelings and whatever stuff I was thinking about to put in it since I have no patience for pictures).
    
    The cover was made entirely of alexandrite silk in an intricately beautiful Indian Paisley pattern. It also had peacock blue satin and an Island blue flower design on the spine of the book. The bag that held the journal and pen was made completely and entirely of a Robin's Egg blue with a chandelier type design of white. On the ends of the chandeliers, there were sapphires, diamonds and blue topaz gemstones sewed on the bag, making it even more beautiful when it sparkles in the sunlight. The pen was one of those old-fashion quill pens or a regular pen (keep it in case of an emergency) that it tickles your face if you get too close to it. It has a peacock feather attached to the pen. The stem has an intricate and rare design that is painted with a shimmery dark green and blue glitter (I think its sapphire dust or something; don't know don't care) which looks stunning when you admire it for a length of time and the ink is any color I choose it to be, since I bought it from a witch that was in our village before she died. She said that it connects with my moods and emotions; "Whatever feeling you're feeling, the pen will give the color of what you're feeling." After admiring it for at least a while, I started to write my thoughts and pour everything that I ever experience in my entire life.

Sunday, April 16
    Well, I've finally achieved my lifelong dream: escaping the mansion and running away. Along the way, I've met someone. His name is Alec. He's a great guy that any girl would be lucky to have him; I swear with all of those qualities, I doubt that no one and I mean NO ONE can ever resist him. He's the closet thing I ever have to a best friend, but I think I feel sick. I feel different whenever I'm around him. My heart starts to beat faster when he touches me, the blood burns in my lips and color my cheeks while he says a compliment about my hair or my eyes or anything else he can say, we just understand each other and I hardly know the guy.
    
    NO! I want to tell him, but never be able to say it to his face. I don't know if he feels the same way about me. Right now, we're running for our lives since WE'VE been exiled from my kingdom and running from country to country to chase a destiny that I'm not sure about. What if his mom could be wrong? What if our plan doesn't work? Will I be able to do this? Can I actually disappoint the people that are counting on me to make this dream a reality? All these questions go through my head, running at 450 mph at non-stop, 24/7, every day for 365 days.
    
    I'm nervous and excited while adrenaline fuels my body up like a battery getting recharged. Well, in this country, I think we'll both be safe here...for the moment. I just hope nobody finds out what we're up to, but there's one thing that I know for certain. "Don't tell anyone your deepest darkest secrets because you never know who you can trust."
this is ch. 9 of my story from the Lost Phoenix Series. i hope you like it and enjoy:D
Published:
© 2009 - 2020 gothicpoet0615
Comments32
anonymous's avatar
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debbs09's avatar
OH MY GOD!!! What a hilarious comment i LOOOOOOVED IT.
NIIIIIICCEEEE patches on your story Andy. Much better.
gothicpoet0615's avatar
well, im glad u liked my comment on plastic surgery & cher n dolly parton n thanks 4 liking the improvements on the chapter
see u 2morrow genie!!
andy:)
liobi's avatar
I'm going to give you some honest-to-God critique on this thing, because I can obviously see that you've got the passion for writing... but... Well, there's some major issues you need to work out if you were to ever CONSIDER doing this for a living.
I'll go by paragraphs to make it easier for both of us ^^;

Paragraph 1- Your first big no-no was "the manager of the inn... I think her name was Lily" you don't need three periods to do the job of one comma and two words "The manager of the inn, Lily i think~~" See? Much faster.

The whole part where it shows her reaction to Alec and the flirting is awkward, and really should be rehashed to just one sentence. Next up is Alec's description... We're reading a book here, not trying to describe a work of God, you really should just have some vague description if you haven't already described him earlier or if you absolutely NEED to, just put "I couldn't blame her with how attractive he was" or something. We seriously don't need to know he'd give a chick a mental orgasm just by looking at her.

Another thing is, you don't need to name a glare... the whole "Don't mess with me bitch" look? Uh-uh, get rid of it, just put "i shot her a glare" or something, and continuing on this, people's eyes don't normally scream in terror, and judging by how your character has been described thus far (in the words of my dear friend), "She ain't got the ass to back that attitude!".

Next up is the walking up the stairs… cut it, just kill it. It’s sick, useless, and dying.

The Alec Stalker Staring thing, rehash it if you must… “I’d noticed lately, Alec kept watching me, like he wanted to keep me forever.”

Annnd, well, we don’t want to electrocute the poor people, so try to keep it as “I felt a tingle when our hands touched” or something of the sort. Don’t over describe, don’t fry the nerves of your main character, keep it simple.

The eyes thing… Unless you have some emotional motivation you want to convey here, just kill it. We don’t need to know what his eyes look like. Again I say, writing a story, not describing God.

You don’t need to explain why she opened the door with her foot, just “opening the door with my foot, we walked into the room” if you even have to say that… and don’t be in awe of the room, just say something about admiration.

Paragraph 2- Honestly, just kill this entire paragraph, there’s no other point than describing the room, and you really don’t want to do that. Mention a few things like maybe canopy bed or 5 star room, and leave the rest up to the reader’s imagination…

Paragraph 3- Kill the parents’ conversation with her, we don’t need the image of a brat imitating her parents stuck in our heads, just say that the room fit her personality, and it sucked that her parents said she couldn’t change hers.

Rehash rehash rehash the last part of this paragraph… Honestly? It sucks, I can’t even give you any guidance from where it’s at right now… Think of your motivations in writing this, what do you want to tell US, your READERS. Is there a POINT in telling us that she isn’t loved by her parents? A POINT in saying she’s free from the rules now? A POINT in her and Alec being relaxed by each other? And if so? Don’t tell us, SHOW us.

Paragraph 4- Don’t add the “Hey! I may be free yada yada yada~~~” thing. It really turns a reader off. Like, we want to slam our heads into desks, turn off.

We don’t need to know her clothes were on her two days, just say like “slipping out of my filthy clothes, I stepped into the warm shower”

This next part is what we like to call a list. Avoid them, they have been known to drive readers off the edge of a cliff. We don’t need to know what all the water’s washing away or the whole princess/ex-princess. Lists kill you with a rusty spoon, remember that.

Next part? Mostly useless and icky, kill kill kill it. The only thing you should keep is the “we were going to be running like thieves.”

Paragraph 5-don’t describe the robe

“to get my stuff, but when I saw my stuff”… stuff is a writer’s worse nightmare, right next to redundant sounding sentences. Word choice and sentence structure need some major adjustment.

You can mention the swimmer’s build and shirtlessness, but other than that? NOT DESCRIBING GOD! 8 packs are impossible as well. Also, you can use the single word “blush” or “my cheeks flushed” instead of the two sentences to say just how she’s blushing.

Paragraph 6- First off, boys don’t drool when they see a girl in a robe sweetie… they might stare, but they do not drool romantically… That’s not even possible actually.

Another thing, you took an entire paragraph to say “he stuttered”. Don’t do that, it’s a very bad thing to do. Just say some simple equivalent to “he stuttered” and then say what he said. Don’t try to kill us here.

Paragraph 7- rehash rehash rehash. “I could tell he was holding back by the way he said it” is probably what you should have said. And simplify the nervousy/fear thing… Don’t kill us with word overdose.

Next up? NEVER DESCRIBE YOUR CLOTHES UNLESS THEY ARE SYMBOLICALLY SIGNIFICANT… Ever.

Also, cut everything about the whole getting ready for the day with make-up and hair. Just cut it. Don’t try to describe a natural look, it’s natural because it’s natural.

Paragraph 8- Don’t tell how much time it took you in detail, or that you were getting out slowly… just… don’t.

Africa wut now? Awkward metaphor, and you really don’t need it. Just… well… kill it

Cut off the sentence after “pass the time”, it just gets irritatingly run-onish from there.

With the journal stuff, just skim it down a little.

Paragraph 9-I don’t have any major problems with this one, but you should examine it, and think about what you can cut down on.

Paragraph 10- it’s a list. Kill the list before the population of readers commit suicide by ripping their own throats out. The entire paragraph it pretty much useless except for that bit about the witch, and even that needs work.

Paragraph 11- My biggest problem? Another list. I understand the need for this one, but… it’s a list. You know my thoughts on lists.

Next part? She’s 17, I’m fairly sure she should have an emotional INKLING to what she’s feeling isn’t normal for best friends. If she were 11 or 12? I could get that, but you stated yourself, she’s 17. The rest of this is just kind of sickening, and at the end you just add like the person’s known all along that she likes the boy when she said she didn’t… cut one or the other, your pick.

Paragraph-12 “No longer I can hold this secret, but never be able to say it to his face” One word… NO! Say it normally. She talks normally most of the time and then she has these random spats of ‘royal such’… You need to stick to one or the other.

The questions are done well, but then you completely ruin it when you go with the redundant sentences and such. 24/7 IS everyday, so why do you need to say them both? The miles-per-hour thing is a no no with the odd speed you chose… If you did something simple like 100, it might work, otherwise….

Paragraph 13-Mess with word choice and structure, and don’t add quotes to the last sentence.

Honestly? Reading this to give a critique made me want to rip my eyes out and eat them or something. That’s how much stress the accumulated mistakes build up. I honestly wanted to quit but I promised a critique so I stuck with it.

Your biggest problems lie with overstuffing sentences. The smaller the better generally. You are also over descriptive and to be frank it takes a lot away from your writing.

The other thing you need to mess with is lists and useless sentences. Make sure every part of a paragraph builds towards its motivation, and stay away from frivolous things.

Make sure this chapter had a motivation, and if it didn’t, make one up.

That’s all. Hope you work towards becoming a better writer!
gothicpoet0615's avatar
thank you for your LONG Honest-to-God critique; now i know what i did wrong, fix it and if its good, then i can die a happy person, so thank you for the advice:)
andy:)

p.s. i'm not going to do this for a living; it was an assignment for school
liobi's avatar
Ah, cool. No probs on the advice thing ^^
gothicpoet0615's avatar
thanks!! hey i took ur advice n i fixed some parts here and there; hey, it's just like plastic surgery; you take some parts here and there and you're good as new, except then if you do too much you end up like cher or dolly parton
andy:)
liobi's avatar
true true, let me know when you're done fixing it up!
gothicpoet0615's avatar
i did. idk if it's good enough, but got off som part that had to go away, so read it n tell me what you think about it
andy:)
lorcamart's avatar
This is a really nice story so far! Can't wait for you to upload more! ;) Tell me when you do! :D:)
gothicpoet0615's avatar
thanks!!! im glad u like my story and don't worry, i'll upload some more, as soon as i get out of my writer's block, but i promise u, i'll put up more A.S.A.P
andy:)
lorcamart's avatar
Aww I hope you manage to get out of the writers block :) Yay ;):D
gothicpoet0615's avatar
thanks 4 the support. im trying 2 get more ideas fm. personal xperiences, books, movies, music, behaviors, tv shows ect... everything that draws me in i guess. but its nice 2 have some1 2 support me in this
andy:)
lorcamart's avatar
you're welcome :) that's a good way of getting ideas :D
gothicpoet0615's avatar
yeah. i guess its putting my life in a made up story, but its adventurous n even i'm hooked on it N i wrote it!!!
andy:)
gothicpoet0615's avatar
yeah, i know, im funny... i think?
andy:)
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TheRealNemo's avatar
I like it but could have been more action or at least part of chapter 8 but but how do you upload onto this? and can you keep the stuff for people to view like private? cause some of us dun want the whole world in our personal lives and stuff..
gothicpoet0615's avatar
i'll try to do that
andy:)
debbs09's avatar
OH MY GOD WAT HAPPENS NEXT???
oh btw is "The Lost Phoenix Series" your book's title??
it sounds so magical
gothicpoet0615's avatar
you like? i thought about it for a while, since writing "Lux Aeterna & The Lost Phoenix Series was too long (and considering the fact that im lazy) i decided to shorten it and fits with me, but the title of the 1st book is "Lux Aeterna & The Lost Phoenix." well, idk yet since i haven't look at the story for a little while, but i'll print out something and write the continuation of the story
andy:)
debbs09's avatar
Lux aeterna? thats gonna make sense later in the book right?
i like both of them a lot...maybe you can put one of the two parts of the title as a sub-title. you know? like Lux Aeterna; the lost phoenix. but you chose both of them are magical to me^^
gothicpoet0615's avatar
well...basically, that's the title of the 1st book (if i make one), but why don't we go with the lost phoenix series. seeing as i like the title lux aeterna & the lost phoenix; i mean, the name itself is magical since its latin and NO, its not spanish or anything related to hispanic heritage. it's the dead language and it means "Eternal Light."
andy:)
debbs09's avatar
wait wait do are you going with lux aeterna and the lost phoenix or just the lost phoenix.
btw is lux aeterna gonna be the girl?(i know wat i means bro...xD)
gothicpoet0615's avatar
the name of the series is the lost phoenix, but the title of the 1st story is lux aeterna & the lost phoenix." and no, im thinking it will be someone else or someone close to her. still in the brainstorming stage
andy:)
anonymous's avatar
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