It's been a long while since I posted anything, since I was seriously "active" on my profile. I'll post photos from time to time, but since I lost my financial aid money, I've spent much of my time working and and relaxing on my days off. It almost seems pointless for me to even contiue on here, but, the problem is, I've put in so much work into this site that I can't bring myself to just delete it all. All the people I've met, all the pieces of work I've posted, the feedback I've gotten, the journals I've submitted? I've put so much of myself into the profile of "GorgeousWreck" that I continue to hope one day I'll get back to this and be a regular once more.
Nowadays, work seems to consume me. I work long hours to make money so I can pay bills, put food on the table for me and my family, to save money for things we want or need. But with work comes the problem of not being able to get onto my social sites very often. I'm on facebook because it's on my phone and instagram/twitter because it's on my tablet. I know I have the DA app on my tablet and the capability of posting through there. Maybe, just maybe, that is what I'll start to do instead. My tablet has become my portfolio, where I store all my photos.
Times are hard right now. I lost my financial aid not too long ago and since I lost that I can't go back to school, unless I want to pay for my classes out of pocket for a couple of terms, until I can transfer to PSU. (which I plan on doing, but I can't right now). If I can transfer to PSU then my financial aid starts over, allowing me to pay bills with school money. But until I have enough money saved up for two classes, I cannot pay out of pocket. I must continue to work as many hours as I can get, but Burgerville barely gives me 20 hours a week. Which is why I am applying for a second job, where I can possibly get another 20 hours.
It sucks; I have been trying hard to get my SSI, but my court hearing isn't until sometime next summer, a year from now. Until then I need to try and make as much money as I can and save it, to pay for bills. This is where our world has come down to, making people world every hour they possibly can just to make ends meet, sometimes just barely. We work all our lives for a tiny apartment, to put unhealthy food on our plates, to give our pets the bare minimum amount of food to keep them alive, and our children fall into the same lifestyle.
As much as I miss my babies, my son and daughter, I am almost glad they aren't here. God now holds them in his arms, sings them to sleep, and tells them stories about their mother. Everyone knows I have a son, a child I miscarried at 7 months pregnant in 2010. What no one on here knows is that I recently miscarried June 4th of this year (10 days before my son's birthday), at 2 months with another child I believe to be a girl. The details do not matter. What matters is that I now have two babies in heaven who are save in the arms of my Lord, protected by angels. I have wished to hold them, to see their eyes, and watch them grow up. But with the way our world is falling apart, it is better that they are not here to endure through the cruelship of humans.
This is what our has become, dying and falling apart around us like crumbled rocks. My life is a little easier then some. I do not live inside and don't have to pay rent or electricity. I don't have to pay for a car or insurance. However, I do have three dogs and they eat a lot. What I do pay for is our phone bill, a storage to keep excess stuff, a bus pass for me to get to and from work, a dog's vet plan, food for all of us, and I always try to save money each paycheck.
When will life get easier? Not a lot easier, but just a little. A simple break would be nice. Just a chance for us to get a little ahead, to not feel like we're struggling to catch up and stay afloat. Is that too much to ask for?
Watching: The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug