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Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 29
“You’re kidding.” Hermione looked stunned.
“Hermione, after all the things I’ve done, been through, and told you, this is what you call into question?”
“There is no way any twelve year old - even you - is an official UN delegate!”
Harry showed her his ID card. It read, “Harry James Potter, UN/MSU-Monster Island Liaison.”
Interpreting her stunned expression as needing further explanation, Harry elaborated, “As a human adopted by a kaiju who can communicate with both them and ordinary humans, I am considered completely unique in all of human history.” He sighed and continued, “This means that I am the go-to guy for anything that requires a handling a kaiju, and the reason they called me in to get Kumonga to persuade the acromantulas to go to Monster Island.”
“And that worked!?”
“We didn’t tell Hagrid this, but we suspected Kumonga would have to eat Aragog and Mosag to assert domina
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Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 28
“Normally I would not be so petty as to use this phrase in a diplomatic meeting, but considering the childish reactions of the wizarding world thus far, I am left with no choice but to say we told you so.”
These were some of the opening words of the first muggle to address the International Confederation of Wizards, specifically referring to the fate of Azkaban.
“In the days leading up to the destruction of Azkaban Prison our representatives across the world warned you time and time again that Godzilla would not take kindly to one he saw as family being locked away. In response you obliviated them - removed their very memories of your egregious crime - simply so that you would not have to listen to us. You say Azkaban was home only to the worst sorts of people, but in your refusal to cooperate with us the only one we know that was locked there was a twelve year old child! Have you no shame?”
There was an uproar from the wizarding representatives at that, some ev
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Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 27
It was a calm few days for Harry, Godzilla, and his newly free — and apparently shapeshifting — godfather Sirius Black. Without his rage keeping him going, Godzilla was sluggish in the cold of the North Sea, so he was taking the trio the long way home: across the Atlantic, over Panama, into the Pacific, and then straight to Monster Island.
In the meantime, Harry and Sirius kept shocking each other; it would’ve been comical but for the severity of their situations.
Sirius had gone first, by virtue of having to explain why there was an emaciated man where the dog had been moments ago. Apparently, Harry’s father — James — and two of his best friends — Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew (a name Sirius could not say without his face contorting in hatred and rage) — had become what the wizarding world called “animagi” to keep their other best friend, Remus Lupin, company on nights when the curse of the werewolf forced him to transform
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Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 26
Harry, blissfully unaware of the ICW’s decision, eventually found himself on the Hogwarts Express with all the students heading back to the castle after the new year, reunited with Neville, Hermione, and Luna.
Hermione haunted them all with a nightmarish description of being able to hear, but unable to do anything else while petrified, prompting a group hug as everyone tried to comfort her.
According to the rumors, everyone who’d been petrified for longer than a few days needed to be seen by a specialist.
“But then why didn’t they try to wake everyone sooner?” Harry asked, outraged that people had been forced to wait for so long in what amounted to total isolation and sensory deprivation.
“Apparently,” Hermione lowered her voice to a whisper, “As long as no one was genuinely injured, Hogwarts did not have to report the attacks. Most petrification victims don’t remember anything about being petrified, but no one had ever been petrifi
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Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 25
Jet Jaguar eventually dropped the comatose basilisk in a deep cavern, then took Harry to the one place he’d been avoiding for years; the Monster Island Research Facility - still under construction, but outfitted with enough equipment to be a proper research lab.
Each time an alien invasion had been thwarted, some of their technology had been recovered, and in the name of security most of it was housed on Monster Island. The general idea was that any thieves would have to risk drawing the ire of the inhabitants, a deterrent that had worked up to this point.
The Xians in particular had parted with a great deal of technology as part of reparations for their attempted conquest of Earth. They still coveted Earth’s water, but since conquest had failed they were quite keen on currying favor - better to have some water and distrust than no water and war.
These thoughts flashed through Harry’s mind and Jet Jaguar’s artificial intelligence as they approached the researche
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Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 24
At the announcement that a student was missing, Jet Jaguar stiffened - perhaps not noticeably to most since he was a robot, but he’d been around for enough of Harry’s life that he could tell. As the robot took a step towards the castle Harry started informing him of the year so far and what he’d likely be up against.
After just a few moments, Jet Jaguar stopped to listen to Harry’s abbreviated tale.
Harry’s story of the previous year had been published. Good.
Dumbledore had experienced trouble with the authorities. That was also good.
Hagrid had kept both of his children, Fluffy and Norberta; irrelevant, but good for the man.
Reading between the lines, Harry had a crush. That was a healthy part of growing up, but a reminder that someone needed to sit him down and have the Talk. Unavoidable.
This year’s defense professor was garbage. Not good.
Students had been frozen solid - nearly turned to stone - all year because of a monster. Bad.
The monster was
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Huntresses of Skyrim - Ch.5 - Draugr and Dragon
Known in the other provinces as zombies, the draugr of Skyrim are animated for a wide variety of reasons. Some are victims of long gone necromancers, still patrolling their masters' decrepit domains. Others appear to be willing guardians of ancient temples. And still more are believed to have served the dragons in the distant past and been cursed for their crimes.
Yang launched herself forward and made a quick note that Ruby had as well, going behind the draugr to flank it. Yang's punch hit it directly on the side of its armored face, and the follow-up shot from Ember Celica staggered the ancient monster, but in a display of surprising awareness it moved its greatsword to one side of its head to block Ruby's scythe.
Both huntresses took note of the supernatural frost now creeping down Crescent Rose's edge.
Recovering from the dual attack, the draugr shoved the scythe away with such force that Ruby had to leap over the small creek behind her to avoid falling. Continuing the swi
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Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 23
Confined to Gryffindor Tower as he was, Harry still smiled as he read the article.
His memories had apparently been enough evidence to launch a raid on Malfoy Manor, and even to bring a renowned auror (apparently a magical police officer) by the name of Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody out of retirement. From there Dobby had taken the lead, subtly guiding them towards dark artifacts, including a mother load in a magically concealed cellar.
Lucius had apparently slipped an unknowing student (left unnamed for their own protection) a cursed diary that had once belonged to Voldemort, which was enchanted to open the Chamber of Secrets and release the monster within.
Topping it off, Dobby had been freed using an old, little used or remembered law because Lucius had verified under veritaserum that he abused the house elf.
And once freed, Dobby had had revenge. Apparently he’d used his freedom to help interrogate Lucius!
Lucius wasn’t just not a victim of the Imperius c
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Huntresses of Skyrim - Ch. 4 - In the Barrow
Dust is best explained to the layperson as crystallized Magicka, but the truth is more complicated. Magicka comes to Nirn from Aetherius by way of the sun's rays, but Dust comes directly from Nirn itself. There are some who claim that Dust is a manifestation of Nirn's own Aura – the very world's Semblance – but most dismiss this as mere fantasy. However, without a revelation from an Elder Scroll, the truth will remain unknown.
The first thing Yang noticed were the corpses. Not the eons old dead that one might expect, but fresh ones. Mostly skeevers, but there were scattered bandit bodies as well.
The second thing she noticed was the echoing conversation from the other end of the vast chamber.
"The dark elf wants to go on ahead, let him. Better than us risking our necks," said a male voice.
Yang and Ruby did their best to silently move across the chamber. At the pillar in the center Ruby went left and Yang went right to flank the bandits.
"What if Arvel doesn't come
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Huntresses of Skyrim - Ch. 3 - To Bleak Falls
Grimm first appeared either just before or just after the end of the Mythic Era, coinciding with the disappearance of dragons. Most scholars believe that the dragons were their natural predators, and their deaths lead the Grimm to reproduce out of control.
The next morning, Yang was still giggling at Ruby's enthusiasm.
"'Can I have your autographs?' Ruby you are so adorable sometimes!"
Ruby frowned. "When I become a Companion, I'll give people my autograph!"
Yang just laughed harder as she led her sister out of the Bannered Mare.
They had arrived too late to visit the Jarl, so they had spent the night for another ten Septims. On the plus side, despite the city being on lockdown because of a dragon sighting, the guards didn't try to stop them entering.
Walking in the company of the Companions was the best endorsement possible.
In the light of day, Whiterun was a bustling city, filled with people and beautiful wooden architecture, tiled roofs of numerous shades
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Swarming the Multiverse - Smaug Brood
All was silent around the Lonely Mountain. The Desolation of Smaug was an ashen ruin inhospitable to man and beast alike. The Dwarves had long since abandoned their former home, and the men of the Kingdom of Dale had lost their kingdom as well. The old city was silent as a grave, and dead, burnt trees stood as if mourning for it.
But on this night, keen eyes across Middle Earth spotted a shooting star, one that crashed in the heart of the Desolation. The people of Lake Town murmured in fear, wondering if this might rouse the the terrible dragon from his slumber, but the tremors subsided and did not resume, and so their lives went on.
But in the crater something stirred. A fleshy sac burned away, the heat of atmospheric entry having set it ablaze, but as it did so it revealed its precious cargo: a Zerg Hatchery, completely intact and already secreting Creep to consume any organic material nearby. It also began to use what resources it had to spawn Larvae, but where most could not surviv
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Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 22
Harry met up with Neville and Hermione the following day, after proving to Madam Pomfrey's satisfaction that his arm had regrown its bones correctly - an arduous task involving a fair amount of dexterity. Apparently the problem was not regrowing bone; it was regrowing it exactly as it had been so it didn't damage any nerves or blood vessels.
"Harry, how's your arm? I hear that Skele-grow isn't the nicest experience."
Harry shrugged, "Good as new, but a little stiff because I couldn't really move it deliberately at all last night. I've been through worse though."
"After last year that isn't an encouraging statement."
Harry laughed at that, replying, "Fair point. But have you heard yet? Colin Creevy got petrified last night!"
Hermione and Neville nodded.
"The school is buzzing with speculation about what happened and what's going to be done about it. People are really worried for their safety."
"Speaking of safety," Harry began, then realized they were still near the hospital wing and un
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Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 21
November came, and with it the Quidditch season. Harry's exercise regimen conflicted with practice times or he'd have tried out, but as it was he'd be content with watching the games. He did need to root for the Gryffindor team after all: Malfoy had bought his way onto the Slytherin team with a set of Nimbus Two-Thousand-and-Ones, and Harry felt he could do with a good humbling. He had tried to get Hagrid in trouble last year, to say nothing of the way he spoke about muggleborns all the time.
The match began and Harry immediately picked out the Golden Snitch. He wished that he could communicate that to the Gryffindor seeker, but there was just no way to do so without cheating.
He'd have liked to keep track of it as a challenge, but his senses – trained from years on Monster Island – detected danger, and he instinctively dodged.
An iron ball – the Bludger, Harry remembered – smashed through the bleachers where he'd been sitting just a moment ago.
The audience aro
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“You’re kidding.” Hermione looked stunned.

“Hermione, after all the things I’ve done, been through, and told you, this is what you call into question?”

“There is no way any twelve year old - even you - is an official UN delegate!”

Harry showed her his ID card. It read, “Harry James Potter, UN/MSU-Monster Island Liaison.”

Interpreting her stunned expression as needing further explanation, Harry elaborated, “As a human adopted by a kaiju who can communicate with both them and ordinary humans, I am considered completely unique in all of human history.” He sighed and continued, “This means that I am the go-to guy for anything that requires a handling a kaiju, and the reason they called me in to get Kumonga to persuade the acromantulas to go to Monster Island.”

“And that worked!?”

“We didn’t tell Hagrid this, but we suspected Kumonga would have to eat Aragog and Mosag to assert dominance, but that isn’t what happened at all. Apparently, size counts for a lot in acromantula hierarchy, so the colony as a whole started spontaneously worshiping Kumonga on sight, and it only intensified after he told them about how he chased off the basilisk. After that there was no way they weren’t leaving with him.”

“None of the acromantulas died though right? Hagrid would be heartbroken if they did.”

Harry glanced at Luna, then left and right, and whispered, “Kumonga got peckish during the flight back to Monster Island, but he got volunteers to be eaten. I know I said they worshiped him, but I really do think it’s approaching religious mania. Hagrid didn’t see that though and I didn’t tell him.”

Neville wasn’t with the group. He was in the next compartment, helping to comfort a near catatonic Ron Weasley. The news that an entire colony of acromantulas had been at Hogwarts did not sit well with the young arachnophobe, even though they were gone now.

In hindsight, it may not have been wise to release a pamphlet full of photographs of the inspection team’s findings, but that hadn’t been Harry’s decision.

Harry wondered what changes had been made to Hogwarts with Dumbledore gone. As a student he hadn’t been briefed about what was to happen.

A woman in plain black robes Harry didn’t recognize appeared to be occupying the central throne of the headmaster - well, headmistress now he supposed. After the first years were sorted she stood up to say a few words.

“Greetings everyone, I am your new Headmistress Regina Arachtocril. I’m sure you all want to eat, so I’ll do my best to keep this list of changes brief. First of all, now that the worlds are reintegrating, muggle studies is now nonmagical studies, a required course with Professor Chatagnier Carrilo, also the new head of Slytherin House.” She indicated a man wearing a formal muggle suit. “Introductory science courses will be taught by Professor Sertel Fins.” She waved her wand to highlight a jovial looking man in a white coat. “Professor Circe Gail Arathorn is your new potions mistress.” She pointed to tanned, slender woman with a look in her eyes Harry could only describe as intense. “With the new staff introduced, let’s move on to some of the bigger changes. The Forbidden Forest remains such; though most of its hazards have been removed, namely the acromantula colony, it remains a wildlife preserve for magical creatures, some of which are dangerous to humans. The Chamber of Secrets is secret no longer, and has been renovated into a science lab that senior years will be able to use on proving themselves responsible. Finally, there is a room not commonly known to students called the Come and Go Room. Due to it’s unique nature, students will only be permitted to enter it with staff supervision, and it has been charmed to turn away those without such. You’ll all find pamphlets with more detailed descriptions of the changes in your dormitories. In the meantime, bon appétit!”

With that the feast began and students began talking and eating in equal measure, and Harry simply enjoyed listening in on the chatter.

“Can you believe the size of that acromantula colony they removed from the Forbidden Forest?”

“Forget that, we might actually be able to enter the Chamber of Secrets! Can you believe it’s a science lab now? Old Slytherin himself must be rolling in his grave!”

“I want to know more about the Come and Go Room; I mean, she made it sound more dangerous than the Chamber, and even if that’s true I want to know why.”

An envelope suddenly appeared and hovered over Harry’s treacle. Seeing that no one else got one, he glanced up at the staff table. The Headmistress saw his confused expression and nodded.

Satisfied that this wasn’t a trap, Harry opened it and read the message.

“After the feast come to the Headmistress’s office. There are things connected to Dumbledore’s plans for you that you need to see. Simply tell the gargoyle that the headmistress is expecting you.”

About an hour later, stuffed to the point of bursting, Harry waddled away from his friends as they approached Gryffindor tower. Thankfully the prefects had the foresight to give him the password to enter since he’d be away from the initial handout.

He gave the gargoyle the message and the door opened. He knocked on the next door he encountered and was greeted by Professor Arachtocril, still in the plain black robes from earlier.

“Hello Mr. Potter, I’m sure you have questions so I’ll cut to the chase. Dumbledore left a heavily charmed cache of parchment detailing his plans for your and how he came to them. No doubt he believed he’d be able to come back for them or that his charms would hold us out indefinitely, but he’s not as talented as he believes… nor as moral as you will discover.”

She handed him the parchments and a stress ball.

And there it was, written in the old man’s own handwriting, the real reason for all the lies and manipulation.

A prophecy. Hand delivered to Voldemort by Snape at that. And Snape had done it in the hope of shagging Harry’s mother. Harry wanted to laugh, but the fact that this had stolen his parents’ lives just made him feel sick.

His emotions must have showed on his face, because he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Professor Arachtocril with a conciliatory expression on her face.

“A group of us worked to break apart his enchantments and read the papers. They are sickening. If you’d rather I give you a summary that’s fine, but a majority of us believed that you deserved the chance to see the truth with your own eyes.”

Harry wanted to be strong, to fight his own battle… but in that moment he was still just a child, and he nodded.

“Dumbledore could have obliviated Snape on the night he heard the prophecy, delivered by a former professor of this school, one Sybil Trelawney. But he chose not to because he saw a way to end the war with Voldemort. The prophecy could have applied to two children: yourself and your friend Neville Longbottom. Dumbledore believed - correctly damn him - that your parents or his would invoke sacrificial magic to protect you and that that would destroy Voldemort’s physical form. But he also knew that Voldemort would return - he had several theories about how and we’re investigating all of them, but that is beside the point. He believed that no amount of training could prepare you to best Voldemort, and so decided to mold you into a martyr that would sacrifice himself for the entire wizarding world, and thus apply the same protection your mother gave you to the world. Then, bolstered by your sacrifice, he would step in and defeat a second Dark Lord, an accomplishment not even Merlin could claim, cementing his legend forever. He didn’t want to fight pureblood bigotry, he didn’t want to address corruption in the ministry or ICW, he just wanted to be remembered as a hero.”

By the end the Headmistress was nearly trembling from rage, and was looking away from him. Perhaps she didn’t want to see what she believed would be a tearful reaction, but that wasn’t what Harry felt.

He felt angry.

No, anger was not an accurate descriptor. He was apoplectic.

His entire family had died because the “greatest” wizard since Merlin couldn’t be bothered to cast a simple memory charm on a terrorist who’d lusted after his mother.

“Is this information secret?”

Professor Arachtocril looked back at him hearing his tone of voice.

“We’re investigating the various methods of immortality that Dumbledore postulated, so we’d advise you not to publicize those, but other than that? We are not Dumbledore, and we will not try to control you. If you want to tell the world about this you have my blessing - and that of my friends and companions - but I do want to ask: what do you plan to do?”

Harry smiled malevolently and replied, “I’m going to tell the truth.”

Bellatrix Lestrange stood guard over Nagini, her master’s prized pet and current body, as it rested in their current domicile; a muggle yacht with a crew shackled by her master’s power. Other Death Eaters, those who’d claimed to be under the very same spell, had come when her master had touched her Dark Mark with the tip of a fang. They had brought grim tidings, that the Potter scion was destroying their way of life by exposing their world to the muggles.

Her master had seethed - oh, his rage had been a thing to behold even restrained by his lack of a wand - but he had shown why he was their leader even under such dire circumstances. The muggles would never think to look for wizards of their caliber on a muggle vessel, and so they had quietly appeared and cast the Imperius curse upon this ship’s captain and crew.

Now they were sailing to a hidden island. Ancient sorcerers had concealed it to lock its hazards away, but no sorcerer was greater than the Dark Lord.

“My Lord?”

Bellatrix whirled on the intruder - Rowle, it seemed - and prepared to curse him, but her master rolled like a thick fog out of Nagini’s mouth and descended on him.

“Why do you interrupt my rest Rowle? Tell me - and do not lie - do you think to question my commands?”

Choking on the black mist, Rowle gasped, “N-not I my Lord, but the others…”

“Which others Rowle? And do you think it wise to have obeyed them over me?”

Bellatrix barely restrained her fury as she learned from Rowle’s whimpering that Avery, MacNair, and Gibbon were questioning their master’s state of mind due to his use of a muggle vessel.

“Calm yourself Bella. They shall be punished very soon. After all, we require more bait to lure the Quintapeds once we reach the Island of Drear.”

Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 29
Author's Note: The aftershocks of Harry exposing the magical world are finally settling down, and soon bad things will happen...

On that note, I'm back and I've decided to focus my energies on this story for the foreseeable future. I won't say this will be finished before I move on to something else, but I'll be giving you all a few chapters to tide you over first if I do.
“Normally I would not be so petty as to use this phrase in a diplomatic meeting, but considering the childish reactions of the wizarding world thus far, I am left with no choice but to say we told you so.”

These were some of the opening words of the first muggle to address the International Confederation of Wizards, specifically referring to the fate of Azkaban.

“In the days leading up to the destruction of Azkaban Prison our representatives across the world warned you time and time again that Godzilla would not take kindly to one he saw as family being locked away. In response you obliviated them - removed their very memories of your egregious crime - simply so that you would not have to listen to us. You say Azkaban was home only to the worst sorts of people, but in your refusal to cooperate with us the only one we know that was locked there was a twelve year old child! Have you no shame?”

There was an uproar from the wizarding representatives at that, some even forgot that they were under muggle guard and reached for their wands. It took a warning shot from one of the guards to make them remember the precise situation they were in.

The UN had completely subsumed the ICW, but was currently giving them the chance to prove that they should continue existing as a government liaison between the magical and muggle worlds.

It was not looking good for the ICW.

Though not perfect by any means, the UN was largely meritocratic, but the ICW was clearly and openly filled with people whose only qualifications were wealth or knowing the right people. In this situation where actual work was required they were doing little more than throwing temper tantrums.

The UN’s representative continued, “We arranged this meeting as an act of good will, to show that we do not want to come as conquerors but as equals. However, you have spurned this offer time and time again. The truth is that the world is changing - that it has been changing ever since the wizarding world went into hiding. Choosing to be left behind is no longer an option, and so as the duly appointed representative of the nonmagical world I will ask one last time: will you join us in shaping the future for a better and more open world?”

The response was a resounding “NO!”

The woman at the podium shook her head and once the noise died down she continued, “Very well. With great regret but no alternative, by the power vested in me by the nations of the world I hereby immediately dissolve the International Confederation of Wizards and all Ministries of Magic!”

Silence fell instantly as shock overtook the ICW’s representatives.

“We have not been idle during the weeks leading to this moment. Your rampant cronyism and elitism has led to those you call half-bloods and muggleborns coming to us with the stark realities of the way the magical governments function. We the people of the world did not want to believe them, because they painted a picture of a backward and stagnant world, but during our short time interacting we have seen nothing but proof of their claims! As a result, we prepared for this moment.

“First with the dissolution of all magical governments, all of their employees are stripped of all ranks and titles because of the inherently unreliable methods by which they were chosen.

“Second, going forward all employment choices will be decided by the merits of the individuals in question, no matter their birth, wealth, connections, or species.

“And finally a new interim government is being established to make sure that these changes are brought about. Until the magical world proves capable of governing itself responsibly, all functions previously performed by the ministries are now the purview of the Magical Sapients’ Union.”

The effects of this pronouncement would be felt for years to come, but there were some very noticeable immediate effects.

Money began flowing from physicists to magical book stores as arithmancy - the closest thing the magical world had to a framework of scientific knowledge - became public knowledge. Physicists from around the world began making hypotheses and calculating possibilities that could account for the hitherto unknown force called magic. Anthropologists and biologists started traveling to parts of the world once believed to have been thoroughly explored. The reveal of sapient species that had kept themselves hidden - and of a wide variety of animals previously unknown - drove a frenzy of academic travel. Chemists, physicists, and biologists alike began looking into potions, as it was unclear which science - if any - the subject fell under. Linguists rushed to document and begin learning the newly revealed languages of goblins and merfolk. And historians began scanning magical history books for any connections to nonmagical history.

But for the magical schools of the world, the change was not at all pleasant, as the new publicity brought a degree of scrutiny and skepticism hitherto unknown to them. Hogwarts in particular was left scrambling, as both Dumbledore and Snape had fled rather than face judgment for what they’d done in their positions of authority.

Mere days after the dissolution of the world’s ministries of magic, it was a subdued group of staff that met the eclectic group of safety inspectors from the MSU. The inspectors were an eclectic group - mostly human, but with a few aliens. The only reason that they weren’t even more diverse was that delegations were currently discussing newer, ostensibly fairer treaties with the goblins and other species that chose to have a government of their own.

None of the staff could remember Hogwarts ever having come under such an inspection in their lives. All manner of devices referred to by all manner of names and acronyms inspected every stone in every corner of the castle over the course of the month. On being cautioned that Hogwarts was Unplottable as a security measure, a pair of the inspectors had shared a grin and replied, “Challenge accepted.”

Common rooms were scoured from top to bottom, hidden rooms were revealed, and even the legendary Chamber of Secrets was opened and searched - though if the inspection team found anything in there they kept it from the staff.

However the greatest shock came on the seventh floor beside the portrait of Barnabas the Barmy. One of the inspectors - apparently one of the talented witches who’d been tempted by the MSU’s promises - was casting a number of diagnostic spells and muttering, while one of her colleagues scanned the wall with a device and scratched his head in confusion.

“Okay, we’re all in agreement that something is here, right?”

“Affirmative,” replied one of the aliens.

“That means we’ve come to the hard part. Figuring out how to find whatever it is.”

“Would it not be prudent to ask one of the caretakers? The ones referred to as ‘house elves.’”

One of the older elves came when they called for one, and revealed the secret of the Come and Go Room, also known as the Room of Requirement, a secret not even the staff had known about. But it was when one of the inspectors came out of the room looking positively dumbstruck that the staff knew something truly unique had been discovered.

“We need you to call the Hogwarts house elves. All of them.”

Professor McGonagall, as acting headmistress, asked, “Why?”

“My colleague ‘asked’ the room for all its hidden objects. That room is equal parts a gold mine and a garbage dump of a thousand years of stashed items. We need to inspect everything for safety’s sake, but we’ll never get anything done with the room in that state. I’m reliably informed that house elves enjoy working, so we want them to help us organize the room.”

Suffice it to say that the elves were thrilled, but even with the entire staff of house elves working in shifts, the room took nearly a week to fully organize. At one point though the witch who seemed to be the inspection team’s leader murmured something to one of her nonmagical colleagues, who’s expression turned especially grave. He then spoke into one of his many handheld gadgets and called for a large lead box. The Hogwarts staff asked about it, but received no answer other than that it had been needed to contain an especially hazardous object.

After that was finally done, it was time for the team to inspect the Hogwarts grounds, including Black Lake and the Forbidden Forest.

Inspecting Black Lake was more complicated than expected, because the men and women in scuba gear were promptly deposited back on the shoreline by the giant squid, who apparently thought that they’d all fallen in.

“Did… did a giant freshwater squid just pat my head?” one of them asked rhetorically.

Instead, they found a way to coax a few of the merfolk to the surface. Then, because one of the inspectors inexplicably started flirting with them and even more inexplicably they started flirting back, more had to be coaxed up. Thankfully, the second group was not receptive to any advances, and the inspection team were able to explain to them what they were doing, why, and how to use the cameras to document what lived in the lake. After that, it was all smooth sailing, although Hagrid heard the team murmuring about an alarming number of grindylows.

The Forbidden Forest was better and worse than all expectations. The unicorns were majestic and friendly. The thestrals were baffling and friendly. The centaurs were gruff and rather rude, but on receiving a thorough explanation warmed slightly and permitted visitors.

It seemed all would be well until they came across the acromantulas.

The team fled, screaming.

As the rest of the team recovered - at least one of them requiring lots of hugs and hot chocolate - one of the aliens, an Xian, approached the Hogwarts staff.

“The book we received, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, declares acromantulas to be a tropical species. Might I ask if one of you knows how an entire colony formed in a Scottish forest?”

Hagrid had the awareness to look sheepish as he provided an abbreviated version of Aragog’s life story and how he’d released him into the forest to protect him… and then found him his mate Mosag because he was lonely.

The Xian had simply nodded, then returned to the inspection team and relayed his findings. They were not pleased.

“Under ordinary circumstances,” the witch who seemed to be the leader explained, “that colony would be grounds for a failing grade and the shutdown of the school. However, we have a solution we believe to be amenable to all parties, including the acromantulas.”

And this was how, some hours later, Harry Potter and Rubeus Hagrid came to be supervising Jet Jaguar as he lowered Kumonga into the colony.

It takes a spider to think like a spider after all, and they needed someone to explain the benefits of living on Monster Island.
Harry Potter: Adoptive Kaiju - Chapter 28
Author's Note: Hold on for Chapter 29 - it'll be up in a few minutes since I think that this chapter and that one are too intertwined to truly separate.
Last night I finally saw Shin Godzilla. I read multiple spoilers online because I couldn't stand the wait, but some of them were so bizarre that I wasn't entirely sure what to believe going into the theater.

I'll start with the most common criticism: the movie spent way too much time focusing on bureaucracy. I know that this was meant to be a more "realistic" take on Godzilla, but the focus on red tape and backroom deals made it painfully realistic. And I don't mean painful in the "Oh, I feel for these people" way, but painful in the "When the skreonk will it end?" kind of way. If they really wanted the audience to focus on the people, then they should have focused more on the civilians and their fear of this giant monster and the pain of being forced to leave everything behind during the evacuation.

Having said that, the bureaucratic moments are less aggravating than they could be thanks to the use of really good music. The soundtrack to this movie is awesome, and I truly have nothing bad to say about it.

I will say this about the human parts of the movie; whoever wrote it had a lot of fun playing with the science fiction aspects of Godzilla. Other spoiler-y reviews have talked about the reveal that Godzilla is actually a rapidly evolving set of microbes a-la Hedorah, so I'm going to focus more on the other parts that have received less attention.

First, when Godzilla first goes dormant after unleashing the atomic ray for the first time (which, by the way, is a visual spectacle that justifies the price of admission by itself) they try to monitor him with drones, but find that they can't, leading one scientist to remark that Godzilla has some kind of biological radar system that lets him track and subdue anything he sees as a threat. This is a throwaway line that is never referenced again, but when you think about it it explains how he's able to shoot down planes, missiles, and bombs he can't even see.

Second, another scientist says that Godzilla's evolution is being "self-driven." For reasons that will likely never be explained (the director did create Evangelion and I've heard how bizarre that story is) Godzilla is forcing himself to evolve towards... something. After the team (whose title I missed because I was reading the dialogue, so I'll just call them "G-Force") get a chance to examine tissues from a spike blown off of him (by a pair of MOP IIs dropped by B52 bombers for any military geeks reading this) he also says that Godzilla could sprout wings and fly away or shrink just as quickly as he grew. Others look at the way the still-living tissue reproduces and suggest that Godzilla could be going somewhere to reproduce, and with his combination of adaptations his kind would be the new dominant species.

Finally, other reviews have pointed out that the US comes across as rather villainous. Around 90% of this is because of them jumping to the conclusion to nuke Godzilla, but the other part is because they kept his existence hidden in the first place. It does not justify anything, but something other reviews seem to gloss over is why the US tried to keep him hidden. Something that gets pointed out is that Godzilla's teeth are so malformed and crooked that he can't actually eat anything – he's still operating on the original nuclear waste pile, and the side effect of that is that his body contains entirely unique elements and molecules. It was challenging to read the subtitles and pay attention to the imagery, but I believe that they said his physiology had created an entirely new and more efficient way to generate energy.

Godzilla is – apart from that moment with the B52s – virtually impervious to military attacks. I saw "virtually" because the concentrated tank fire on his legs does force him to slow down, and annoys him so much that he makes the effort to throw a bridge at the tanks. I'm not making that up – we don't get to see him pick it up because there's a cloud of smoke in the way, but Godzilla actually rips up a chunk of bridge and hurls it at the tanks.

Throughout the movie, Godzilla's motivations are unclear, but he is very determined. When he emerges in his beige, googly-eyed, larval form he looks ridiculous but I give him credit for being unstoppable. He has only two legs, nubs where his arms should be, and no ability to stand upright but he continues to march, his back half shoving his wriggling front half along, giving him the appearance of an incredibly destructive snowplow. That said, there's a moment that can be seen as funny (or as terrifying after the reveal that people are in the building) when the larval Godzilla tries to stand by using a building as a prop, angling his head and neck to slide up the wall until he almost looks like he's about to roar in victory... only for the building to collapse under his weight and leave him flat on his face again.

The last 15 to 20 minutes of the movie is dedicated to the plan to freeze Godzilla with a coagulant. They emphasize that this will not kill him, but it will force him to shut down his internal reactor to stay alive. A lot of very technical terms were thrown around, but the basic gist is that one of those unique chemicals in his body will attach to the coagulant and keep it in his system indefinitely.

This brings us to the actual plan to take him down, which is ingenious, destructive, and a visual spectacle. First, they force him to expend nearly all of his energy to destroy 5 waves of UAVs and their missiles and then knock him over by dropping nearby skyscrapers on him. Once he's down, a small army of volunteers drive cranes up to his mouth and force feed him the coagulant. These people die heroically as godzilla charges and unleashes one last atomic ray and gets up. There's also some bureaucratic tension thrown in because it keeps cutting back to the command center where the technicians say that Godzilla is releasing double the approved amount of radiation.

This leads to the second part of the plan. Godzilla sets foot on a set of train tracks, and trains loaded with explosives are set on course to collide with him and explode. How many trains? I lost count, so I'm just going to say that it was all of them. Regardless, this is enough firepower to knock him over, and more volunteers drive up with more cranes and the remaining coagulant. There is one final moment of tension as Godzilla stands up and begins marching while charging up the atomic ray... only for the glow to fade and for him to flash freeze. And I do mean freeze; his core temperature is measured at -196ºC and he actually appears to be covered in ice.

The story ends with the two "main" characters (they barely got more screentime than anybody else) reflecting that they cut it very close. There were only around 3500 seconds remaining until the US got permission to fire the nuke, and the countdown will resume if Godzilla ever starts moving again. The movie ends with the single biggest WTF moment in any Godzilla movie ever, even if you include Tristar's abomination. The camera pans to Godzilla's tail where one more transformation appears to have taken place: humanoid skeletons with Godzilla spikes and tails are erupting from the tail and reaching for the sky. As a note to anyone (including me) who wants to write a story doing something with that, those figures would be giants if they fully emerged based on their size compared to the sheer girth of the tail.

And there you have it. There's probably more to say, and I'm sure that I forgot some details, but that's the movie in a nutshell.

TL;DR – 4/5 stars. It would be 3/5, but the soundtrack is great even during the boring bits, and every time the atomic ray comes out it justifies the price of admission.


United States


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