I'm fully experiencing a lack of 'people'. People of whom I can wholly divulge passion and in return receive energy and enthusiasm.
I didn't find it in school. I haven't found it at work. And in my art, I am alone.
That's the one element that successful artists have and I do not. People. I left good people back in California, I took the best one with me to Oregon. But none so far have really understood, or at least expressed understanding, of what it is to seriously undertake a real artistic endeavor.
All I know are 'concept people', people who dream and wish and don't pursue. There's also those who pursue but do not dream. Great talent but with no starry-eyed WHY.
I know there's at least one person on this planet who's out there in as much pain as I am, waiting for that person who understands. The Internet is too mechanical, too clean. There's nothing new to be seen here unless it's been made in the real world. How can a find a person of the tangible earth through such a drearily sterile machine?
I need reciprocation. Someone who goes that extra mile, who doesn't left "life" get in the way. Someone who isn't scared of social norms or what people tell them is okay. Weird is cool on the internet, right? So long as it's a certain brand of socially acceptable weird, right? Where is that genuinely weird person? The person who works hard and dreams big?
I spent the last year of my life depressed and incapable. I'm entering another year, this time angry and destructive. Destruction can be necessary; beauty in the chaos. I fear for the aftermath and the years that follow.
I've dreamed a dream, planned the plans, worked the work, and done more than I thought I was capable of. I just need help from people who share my passion. Any passion. One of communally-fueled ideas, that ping-pong of inspiration rather than the shriveled husks of self-consciousness childishly hiding from the world or the bold who proclaim love for their craft only to let it fade into nothingness. Others still have their sole passion and don't see or hear others, they only need themselves and their idea.
Where is the community? Where are the passionate people? Maybe I've just too long not been invited into any social circle for God knows why. And the ones that I have are empty, complaining, masquerading spheres of an uncaring lack of productivity.
I cannot find the world I want to live in so I suppose I have to make it myself. I'm so tired of building everything from scratch and I cannot do it alone. Why do I always have to do everything myself, alone?
Where are you, person who very much cares about their work and wants to create genuine life through craft and care?