So glad to be back on here! I forgot how happy seeing the comments on my photos and exchanging and learning from other made me feel! It is so nice. I had a crap day and getting on and seeing support and love was amazing! I even gained four watchers! Like what guys?! You are all so amazing.
I have something on my chest that I just need to get off so if you don't feel like listening to me complain then go ahead and skip this. I do TaeKwonDo and am a second degree black belt. For better or for worse, my father is really proud of me. Last year I took part in a tournament. I did not do sparring, I do not want to do it. EVER. Not only is it terrifying, painful, and overall unpleasant whenever I spar, I find that if my mood is anything but really good I suck. I am a very emotional person and that can't be helped. Well, last year my dad was relentlessly trying to get me to spar this year. I got annoyed and told him that if he did I would. He signed up the next week. Well now, I a little over two weeks I am now having to spar. I only said it because I wanted to be left alone. I said no over and over again and that wasn't respected and now I feel like I have been manipulated this whole time.
So, I am currently an emotional mess, so I am not sparring very well at all. And every day after sparring my dad makes me feel bad about how I should be better. But not only am I a mess but my heart isn't into it. I just wanna curl up and cry because not only am I in so much pain ( My forearm is green, ankles are swollen, and I have a goose egg the width of a lemon on my calf) but because this is ruining my confidence and making me feel terrible. I know it is important to keep my word but so is my mental health. And right now I am wishing I would get injured so that I didn't have to do it.
I am going to lose and I am okay with that, I never expected to win. I just want to make it out alive. And I am okay with my instructor trying to push me but no one really knows how my mental health is struggling so normally I would be okay but right now I am being pushed to hard. And it's not his fault that I feel letting anyone know that I might not be okay but he knows me. I have been one of his best students for years and think of him like a father. He can tell when I am not okay. So I understand that all of that people he looks up to will be there an doesn't want me to embarrass him but I also know that he can tell when his students are off.
When I burst out crying in front of everyone, it isn't hard to tell. I just feel trapped and when anyone would rather get injured so they can't do anything rather than do anything then I think it is past the point of a healthy competition. I don't think I want to even compete next year because I can't put myself through this again.
Am I just being whiny? Maybe I am and should just suck it up. Ugh. I don't know what to do. What do you think?