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Breaking Dawn In a Nutshell

By Gigglish
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EDIT: Ack. Sorry, but I don't think I'll be responding to comments on the comics anymore unless it really picks up my interest XD it takes up WAAAYYY too much of my time to do so. Lul. I feel kinda bad, though - everyone deserves a response XD

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Um... WOW.

So, everyone knows that I hate the Twilight series, right? Well, I LOVE Breaking Dawn! Why? BECAUSE A BUNCH OF TWILIGHT FANS REALIZED THAT THE SERIES WAS HORRIBLE THANKS TO THIS THING. Was it really so horrible? Why, yes, it was!

To start off, the sex. Ah, yes, ever since book one Edward and Bella have had the words -SEXUAL TENSION- rolling off of them. In Eclipse, Bella was incredibly horny and just plain asking for it. In Breaking Dawn, that moment finally arrives. And guess what? Apparently, the sex was so amazing that Bella didn't even realize that Edward was BEATING HER UP while they were in bed. He BIT A PILLOW and TORE IT TO SHREDS. He DESTROYED A HEADBOARD. Both during intercourse. And gosh, there's just so much of it throughout the book. However, to keep it just child friendly enough, Bella completely just blacks out, and the reader gets no smut. Yeesh, that's the least you could give us, Mrs. Meyer! My friend (haha, guess who 8D) said that the book would have been better off as a porno. I wholeheartedly agree, since it would have been better than the senseless drivel we're left with.

So, while still on the topic of sex, let's talk about how Bella gets preggo. Er, wait, what? Edward's DEAD. Well, okay, un-dead, but there's hardly a difference. He shouldn't be able to have living sperm. Therefore, he shouldn't be able to freaking inseminate someone with one-hundred-plus-year-old sperm. But, somehow, he did. THIS IS BREAKING THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE STEPH CREATED, REALLY. And then how Bella gives birth. So, if Edward wasn't there, the baby would have just killed her internally and then chewed its way out. Mmhmm. But the baby's daddy was there, so he decides to give his wife a Cesarian Section with his TEETH, since apparently that's the only thing that can get through to the damn baby. Three words: WHAT. THE. FUCK. That is probably one of the most twisted and disgusting things I have ever imagined (and you all know that I'm pretty twisted, I'm sure).

Okay, so the baby's out and momma's just barely clinging onto life. She names it Renesmee. See, I won't even go there. I think everyone agrees, for the most part, that that is quite possibly the stupidest name ever conceived.

So. This thing, the demon spawn, Nessie, somehow grows at super speed and has this amazing power to show people what she's thinking. Riiiggghhhtt. Then Jacob (oh my god, Jacob...) just HAPPENS to imprint on Bella's daughter. This is, like, the worst fanfic ever. Maybe worse than My Immortal. Renesmee, the Mary-Sue OC was created so that Jacob had someone perfect to end up with, even though there were still plenty of other female characters left (ahem, LEAH, but I'll get to that later). And by the time she's seven she'll be able to screw lover boy. How lovely.

There's this giant part of the "novel" that's basically everyone being happy, Nessie growing at light speed, Bella being absolutely perfect, and Edward and his new wifey have sex every night. Yeah, not much to go on about here.

And then to the conflict. Wait- what conflict? THERE IS NO "CONFLICT" OF WHICH YOU SPEAK. Sure, the Volturi come. This opens the door to a boat load of new characters. Alice and Jazz run away together. They prepare for this humongous fight, and Bella gets forged papers so that Jake and Nessie can escape. So, all of the Volturi come. Aro is as queer as ever (not that that's bad, I don't mean to offend anyone 8D) and his guard surrounds him. So then they talk with the Cullens and the huge army of new vampires. Jane and Alec attack, BUT OH, LOOK, BELLA'S GIANT SHIELD IS THERE TO PROTECT EVERYONE. HUZZAH. There is no fight. Then Alice and Jasper come back with another half-and-half and all is well with the world. Shittiest "fight" ever, if you ask me.

It's a shame, though. Breaking Dawn had potential. I especially liked Jacob's point of view and that one quote: 'Life sucks, then you die' Yeah, I should be so lucky. (pg 143). There were funny parts. And then there were also a ton of characters introduced that I could have liked. Garrett was nice, though his speech was boring and cliche. Benjamin could have been so cool, if it weren't for the fact that he was just so powerful. I liked the new relationships introduced, specifically Garrett/Kate and Benjamin/Tia (Haha, notice how it's the two new guys that I like and the girlies who could be their mates. And I liked the way Garrett told Kate he loved her 8D).

And then it's the part that I think I hated the most: Leah.

No, I didn't hate Leah. I loved her in the book, actually. BUT DAMN IT, JAKE. YOU IDIOT. WHY DID YOU IMPRINT ON THAT STUPID DEMON SPAWN? Really. He could have had a HAPPILY EVER AFTER WITH LEAH. She had this whole plan mapped out, where the two would wallow in their angst together. He would be a wolf or do whatever else he wanted and, like she said, she would go to a local community college and learn to get her issues under control. It would have been so sweet, them as a pack of two.

Screw this. I hate talking about that book.

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Bleh, disclaimer's above. I'm too lazy. The book sucked, end of story.
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Comments1738
anonymous's avatar
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LadyClassical's avatar
MAYBE THE BABY IS SECRETLY JACOB'S!!!

I don't know, I haven't read the book. But that would've been a better twist. I expect she was bound to turn into a vampire eventually and the author just needed a way to do it.  
OtakuFangirl1200's avatar
I've been thinking about the concept of such a sickening and off-kilter ending a LOT.
I know Stephanie Meyer intended to make it romantic and that "everyone" gets a happy ending, but maybe it mainly reflected that some endings are dysfunctional and a little eff'd up.
I mean, Bella's head CLEARLY isn't in the right place if she has such an okay view about the events described in the final panel.
DepressedSatan's avatar
He beat me up. XDD
soulessone12's avatar
your forgetting the part where Blade comes in and kills them all
MacabreUnicorn's avatar
hahaha, this is so true!
l-l-7's avatar
lol. love this . it has much more creativity and personality than the actual books and films.
E-Sane's avatar
That's why I'm so mad. My sixth grade history teachet's daughter LIVES Breaking Dawn for the opposite reasons and thinks its a perfect end to the series. When I heard this, all I said was "Oh Honey." She still loves it, even with all the hate.
KazeGirl21's avatar
Yeah I know. There's all kinds of messed up love in the book. Pedophilia, Necrophilia (banging it up with dead bodies *shudder*), Bestiality...ugh! I mean, c'mon the book would've been sooo much better if someone, I dunno, DIED! But Smeyer didn't have the heart to do so. *shakes head*
wolfofthenightmares2's avatar
I agree with the pedowolf thing but the rest is just totall bullshit,one question,UMAD?:iconumadjeffplz:
Jolin-chan's avatar
lol XD pedowulf XD haha
you little comic is very good and funny, too
but u made a big mistake....where on earth did jacob wear shirts? xDDDD <-shirtless jake was the reason i watched the saga after i already thought "mhm...the second movie`s stroy was lame, too...but damns that "pedowulf" looks sexy xD
RhenaGoblin's avatar
I agree wholeheartedly. Bella and Edward are stupid... but you can't take that out on Nessie. It was her fault she was born with the two stupidest and angsty parents in the universe. And personally, I read Twilight (kinda liked it), read/skimmed New Moon (fell in love with the Volturi and hated Jake [sorry]), read Ecclipse (in hopes of finding more Volturi but alas, I only found JANE[blonde brat]) and read Breaking Dawn (ONLY for Volturi) and my favorite book is Breaking Dawn, not for the damn birth and shit but because of Aro and his craziness. And yes, I am very disappointed he backed out that quickly when threatened but I don't blame him. SM basically made the Cullens untouchable (fookin Bella) and literally impossible for the Volturi to win a fight with them. Loved the comic and you, ma'am, are hilarious. 8D
RhenaGoblin's avatar
Correction: It WASN'T her fault she was born with her mother being a rock and her father all angst.
kyohattress34654's avatar
I watched the movie for the fight scene only. the special affects were cool but the plot was just stupid. this made my day though :D
DanselInWonderland's avatar
Don't get me wrong here, I don't mind twilight, although I'll admit it ain't that good. (It's somewhere down in 200th on my list of books to re-read...) but this. Oh my goodness, you made my day with this! I love it. :3
TheSouthernKiller's avatar
I thought people who werent very bright read twilight. then i found out two of my SMART friends read and liked twilight. I concluded they were never smart to begin with, as they obviously could not detect its silly plot and writing.
nupao's avatar
ha come on dude! Are you even reading what you wrote? :XD:
smeesh-love's avatar
I am extremely intelligent and I love Twilight
Marinas's avatar
I actually tried reading a paragraph...a PARAGRAPH...from this book and I thought I could get far after making it through the first book (whew!). But no...epic fail on my part. Couldn't do it...just...augh. Thank you for laying it all out!
smeesh-love's avatar
"let me touch your face!" ROFL
FMAYahsa12's avatar
I was thinking about TRYING these books though I hate Twilight movies. You, sir, get a cookie for saving me.
Leoren's avatar
I was considering reading these books. I have changed my mind. Thank you for saving me!
Leoren's avatar
I was considering reading these books. I have changed my mind. Thank you for saving me.
BlackRabbitInChasing's avatar
Sadly, I cannot stop clinging to the last book, as much as I HATE it. Perhaps it's because I finally get the hell out of Bella's head and into somene elses's (although his head was no better either).
Needless to say the series is horrible and I'm glad I am no longer a fan.
anonymous's avatar
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