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Scott Pilgrim Comicverse, Kim/Julie
Summary:
  Julie doesn't understand why Stephen broke up with her.  Kim doesn't understand why Julie's complaining to her about it.

"He left me!" Julie screeched.

"You say that like it didn't happen every other week for, I don't know, five years?" Kim pointed out as Julie downed (yet another) glass of vodka.  "You'd think you'd be used to it."

"This is different and you know it!" Julie cried, slamming the glass on the bar.  "I need another round."

"Here too, please?" Kim said, rubbing her face with her hands.  The bartender set them up again, giving Kim a sympathetic smile as she did.

Julie grabbed her glass.  "I can't believe he left me for that hairy little bitch."

"He does seem to have a type, doesn't he?" Kim muttered, taking a drink.

"It's a bunch of crap," Julie seethed.  "We've been together since our first year of college.  You think I don't know him by now?"

"Julie, I really, really don't care.  I didn't care when you first sat down, and I don't care now.  In fact, I don't even like you.  I'm Stephen's friend, remember?  Not yours."

"If he has something to say to me, he should say it like a man!" Julie continued, obliviously.  "Instead of hiding behind that, that little..."

Kim sighed and leaned her head against the bar.  "Bitch?"

"BITCH!"

Kim pushed her empty glass towards the bartender.  "Keep 'em coming, please."

Thirty minutes later, Kim was very close to attempting seppuku with a barstool.  All she wanted was to go out, listen to some music, get a little drunk, and go home without being accosted by crazy people.  Was that too much to ask?

"And t-that one time, with the, the hammer...and he -- ooh, I knew what that meant!" Julie slurred, weaving in place.

"Really," Kim said sarcastically, but for some reason this time Julie actually heard her.  She turned and blinked blearily at Kim.

"You," she said, and suddenly shoved her finger in Kim's face.  "You're WITH HIM!"

"What?"  Kim quickly moved back, since with Julie's current lack of hand-eye coordination she was likely to gouge something.

"You, and that, that..."  She waved her hand vaguely in front of her face.  "Beard guy."

"Joseph?"

"Yes!  You two are, uh..."

"Roommates?"

"Yes!"  She suddenly leaned back and gave Kim a wide-eyed stare.  "Did you know about this?"

"Stephen and Joseph?  Uh, yeah, yeah I did."  She could tell Julie exactly how she had found out about Stephen and Joseph, but she suspected Julie was too drunk to fully appreciate that story.  She'd save it for later, when Julie was sober enough to have it burn into her memory.

Julie opened her mouth, and Kim thought another accusation was going to come out of it, but then she said, "It's such crap!  So what, he's like -- he's just gay now?"

"Apparently."

"Whatever!  That's so...that's not so hard.  He just -- I, I can do that."

"You can what?" Kim said, and then Julie kissed her.

Kim's hand flailed uselessly against the bar.  She had to get Julie off her -- like now -- but her hand-eye coordination wasn't so good either at this point.  Luckily, Julie pulled back after a few seconds.

"Oh my god," Kim said, as Julie stared at her, looking vaguely confused.  "Julie, that was terrible!"

Julie blinked, then the confusion slid off her face.  "What the -- what's that supposed to mean?!"

"It means it was terrible!  Did you kiss Stephen like that?  God, it all makes sense now."

"Fuck you!  I'm a great kisser!" Julie cried, and this time she grabbed Kim's face and pulled her in for another, much more involved kiss.  Kim managed to get her hands on Julie's shoulders, but damn if Julie's grip wasn't powered by raw drunken self-righteousness.  After an eternity, she finally pulled back and stared at Kim.

"That was worse!" Kim spat.  "What the hell?!"

"Oh, fuck you!" Julie yelled, and stood up.  She promptly collapsed, then pulled herself up by the bar stool and stumbled away.  "Fuck you Kim Pine!" she yelled over her shoulder as she disappeared into the crowd.  And Kim, for the first time that night, breathed a sigh of relief.

"Wow," the bartender said.  "Nice show."

"We are never speaking of that again," Kim said, and made a face.  "I need a shot.  I don't care what, just make it really strong."

"Sure thing."  She turned and started fixing the drink.  "So, was she really terrible, or were you just trying to get rid of her?"

"No, she really, really was."  Kim hid her face in her hands.  "I understand why her boyfriend went gay.  Seriously."

"Too bad.  She was kinda cute."

"Yeah, well, she's single."

"No thanks.  I'm not that crazy."  She put the shot glass down in front of Kim.  "Here, on the house."

"Bless you," Kim mumbled, and quickly downed it.
I do not know why the preview is that ugly image instead of text, but it's pissing me off.

Many people have said it, but I'll throw my hat in the ring: Darn you and your short title limitations, dA.

Yeah, I don't know. The idea just popped in my head and wouldn't leave, so here you go. Way back when I toyed with the idea of doing a series where I literally slashed Kim with everyone (if anyone's been wondering where all these Kim-centric pairing showing up in my gallery have been coming from). That's not going to happen, but I got a number of fun ideas from it, this being far and away the crackiest of them.
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:iconkittycutecat271:
kittycutecat271 Featured By Owner Edited Jun 17, 2014
you swore! I'm on fire!  theres kids here for the love of fluffeh kittens dude!!!!! Noes!  Waaaah! 
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:iconnatin123:
natin123 Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
YOUR A BABYYYY
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:iconfortheloveofpizza:
fortheloveofpizza Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010
This is just a fun piece to read. It's crack, but it's realistic crack. It's not Julie or Kim changing the very essences of who they are so that they can get together and start a long, meaningful relationship (wow...just the thought of that makes it sound so wrong.) It's just some drunken fun, and that's what makes it work even within the universe. I could totally see this happening.

I laughed so hard at these two lines:
"I can't believe he left me for that hairy little bitch."
"He does seem to have a type, doesn't he?"

I'm sad we won't see Kim paired up with everyone, but I'm happy with what we get. :3
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:icongeneralzoi:
generalzoi Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2010
It's a new kind of crack: the kind that keeps everyone in character. I may be missing the meaning of crack here, but whatever! It's all in good fun. And I would never change the essence of Kim's character - or Julie's for that matter. They're both delightful* in their own ways.

Ah, Stephen. He likes himself a sharp tongue! :D

I've got at least one more along this vein up my sleeve. We'll see how it all turns out.

* And by "delightful" in Julie's case I of course mean "bitchy but amusing as hell"
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:iconflamehead23a:
flamehead23a Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010
it would be kim's luck to get slashed with everyone. And eventually it'd just turn her completely crazy.

This was great, btw. I didn't even suspect the barkeep was a girl until the end.
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:icongeneralzoi:
generalzoi Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010
If Kim doesn't want to be slashed with everyone, she should stop being so awesome. <-- impeccable logic

That was something I realized writing it, because I could see her in my head, but obviously you can't. I decided it'd just be a fun surprise.
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:iconflamehead23a:
flamehead23a Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010
well it definitely was. great work.
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:iconmacelf:
MacElf Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Awesome and hilarious...and awesome. I love the way you write. No matter what fandom you're writing in, you always seem to get the characters' voices just right.
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:icongeneralzoi:
generalzoi Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010
Well, I've only tried two so far, but thanks! I really like trying to convincingly write very different kinds of people.
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September 19, 2010
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