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Hello, everyone. I felt like I should at least let you guys know what's going on inside of my head.

So, a little more than a month ago, one the past pastors from our church passed away. (He had cancer, but was actually fighting it for a while; it just spread. It was his time, I suppose). But, two years ago, he was completely fine. We just never know... :(

Also, nearly around the same time, my left hand had begun to hurt, like I was having carpal tunnel symptoms. (It runs in my family, but...) I thought, 'what?! I'm way too young for that! Plus, why is it in my left hand, and not my right?' (since I use my right hand more for drawing, I thought.) Well, thank goodness it wasn't my right hand. (I would have been wayyy tooo depressed. I'd already been depressed enough for it being my left hand.) Also, my older sis (33) had it for sometime after being pregnant... so it's not too out of the question, in terms of age...
Previously, I thought, 'if something ever happened to my drawing hand (right), then I could maybe train my left hand for a backup...' So much for that idea, I guess... -_-... I'm still kind of hoping that maybe I just hurt/bruised it one day in my sleep. It was weird; one day, it was completely fine, and the next, the whole hand completely hurt. O_o :(
Nowadays, it still hurts, but only a little, and only (mostly) the middle finger. (I wonder if this has something to do with the positioning of holding my 3DS though?)

Anyway...

What does this have to do with anything (or with you guys), you're asking? Well, this, among, other things, made me reevaluate my life. I realized that life is so fleeting; it is but a breath, and it can pass away at any moment. It reminded me of my own mortality, as in, "What would I regret not doing if I did-- indeed-- die tomorrow? In a week? In two years? What would I do?"

Like, what would I do if I had no fear?

So, it made me wonder... if the current life I'm living our of fear... or faith?... Am I really realizing my dreams, or even trying to? Have I given up? I don't know... but I do know that if I were diagnosed with cancer today, that things would be very different.

So, what's holding me back? I still don't really know. But I know that I do need to change something. So, therefore, how this relates to you guys is that I am not sure if I am really drawing what I want to draw, or if I'm drawing to simply please others, and not my deepest self/spirit. I am just not sure. I haven't drawn much in this past month, which is quite different from the usual artists' drawing block. I know what I want to do, but I just don't have the strength or courage to do so. I have so many unfinished things; I'd hate to start another and not complete it. But... how much time do I really have left? And... who's to say I will be allowed to finish what I already DID start? Is the finishing part the most important thing? Shouldn't it be, 'enjoying the ride while it lasts'?

Of course, I never intend to start things and never finish them. I always want to finish them; it just seems that something always gets in the way, or I lose the initial inspiration or drive to do so. So, I plainly wondered, 'what is the point in starting another 'something' if I'm going to lose the drive all over again?' So, I'm just now reevaluating my drive, my original purpose in why I am doing what I do, or drawing what I am drawing (or writing). Who am I trying to please, and what is my goal with this?
Or maybe I am just thinking too hard...

Anyway, that has been my thought process for the past month or so. I am not sure what the answer is; but I do know that something needs to either change or stop. (Sitting still isn't going to change anything; this is just me in the middle of my contemplation/reflection.)

Adieu~

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Website: www.rejenasmiley.com/
Blog: rejenasmiley.wordpress.com/
Facebook page: www.facebook.com/RejenaSmileys…

Quotes I like: genaminna.deviantart.com/journ…
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:iconbrittniwoods:
BrittniWoods Featured By Owner Edited Apr 28, 2015   General Artist
I hope you figure out what it is you want to do soon, I've been going through the same kind of stress over the last couple years, one day I'd think I figured out my problem and the next I'm starting all over
I know one issue I also had to beat was finishing what I started
The biggest realization I had to make was that the stories and art, both original and fan art, I started 5 or 10 years ago are unfinished because I lost the drive for them, not for any reason I can fix but simply because I'm not the same person as I was then.  The old me would still finish them, but the new me doesn't connect with those unfinished things the way my younger self did.  That doesn't mean the work I put in was a waste of time, I grew from the experience and the pieces of characters and stories I love can be reborn in new work that I actually want to be doing.
Just a random thought and I hope it can help in some way =D 
I hope you feel better soon :glomp:
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:icongenaminna:
genaminna Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Hmm, very interesting... b/c I always feel that I am changing. It is very hard to "keep up" with the self you were when you originally created your stories. I mean, it can almost be like illustrating your own, personal journal throughout the years-- just too much to do when it's in comic-form though! lol
Thanks, chica :hug: :D Hope you get to figure things out too ^^
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:iconbrittniwoods:
BrittniWoods Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2015   General Artist
yeah comic form makes everything take so much longer, but it's worth it =D
You're welcome, and thank you! :huggle:
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:iconbritts-demesne:
britts-demesne Featured By Owner Edited Apr 25, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
One of our former pastors passed away some years ago due to pancreatic cancer. He wed my parents, and he was a dear friend to them.
I can relate to your losing a pastor, and I too have been wondering if I have an issue with my right arm; it tingles quite often and I hope it isn't carpal tunnel.
As for your life, just enjoy the journey. Your way will be opened up to you if you keep you head up. In the meantime, get involved with the stuff that you enjoy doing; it's better than the alternative.
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:icongenaminna:
genaminna Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Yeah, that is true... just have to rediscover what I actually like doing! lol.
I hope your issue isn't carpal tunnel as well -_-
Sorry that you gus've lost a pastor too :( :hug: It's tough, eps if you were close to them.
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:iconmaphisto86:
Maphisto86 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2015
I understand that sudden feeling of mortality when someone close to you passes away. Illness also brings home our mortality in many ways though I wouldn't worry about your hand too much. Just get it checked out by a doctor when you can if symptoms persist. Anyhow, I think if you lack motivation for artwork you should try something different. Either a different art form specifically or actually change something else about your life. Is your art a hobby, a vocation, or both? Have you answered that question yet? Then of course is the question of what to draw. Fan art is good and all but making original works is what flexes the creative muscle I suspect.

Always wishing you the very best! - Rob. :ahoy:
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:icongenaminna:
genaminna Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Well, of course, I'd like to do my art more professionally-- right now, it's kind of in the middle... I work at this place that teaches painting to others, so that's what I've been doing besides actual comic stuff. But sometimes, even the comic stuff feels like 'a job' too much, rather than something fun. (But I'd rather do that than the painting, though I'd rather do the painting than my other job (at the airport)! haha)
I DO need to work on my originals more though.....
Thanks so much. :D
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