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Getting past the guards is easy. They’re watching a film instead of the CCTV: an animated donkey rises onto the screen, yelling, “I have a dragon and I’m not afraid to use it!” They laugh, and never notice the silent figure casually sauntering past.

Alyssa can’t resist waving at them as e passes. The screen catches a reflection of the movement, fingers flickering, but they never turn to look.

-

Getting past the head of security should be harder: she has military and martial arts training, ten years of bodyguard experience, enough scars and medals to decorate a palace. Alyssa came prepared with two forms of false ID, an arsenal of force grenades, an alibi, and a mountain of justified fear; but this is eir lucky day. She’s asleep over coffee and doughnuts, and Alyssa slips past her unnoticed.

-

“So you’ve found me.” He pulls a sleek metal rod from his sleeve. “Want me to try this out on you?”

“What is it?”

“Explodinator. Runs on fairy dust.” He points the thing at a caged chicken, and it explodes in a vortex of feathers and blood.

This changes everything. Alyssa stops sidling nearer, forgets the grenades, and hurriedly revises eir plan.

“How much do you want for it?”
Written for Flash Fiction Month 2018, day 26, challenge 12: write a story which makes use of the tropes of Applied Phlebotinum, The Almighty Janitor, and The Guards Must Be Crazy, inverting one of these. This year I'm also fulfilling a challenge by an anonymous contributor: Every character must be queer.

I've also been cajoled into taking on another challenge by joewright:
The All-Star challenge.
Over the course of FFM, your oeuvre must address the following items:
  • -Something somebody once told you
  • -The sharpest tool
  • -A finger and a thumb
  • -The shape of an L
  • -What does it mean to be 'fed to the rules'?
  • -A smart brain and a dumb head
  • -"You'll never shine if you don't glow"
  • -Definitive proof that all that glitters is in fact gold
  • -A shooting star that breaks the mold
  • -The meteor men, and the hole in the satellite picture
  • -Skating on thin ice
  • -The world on fire
  • -"Can you spare some change for gas?"
  • -An all-star, getting their game on, and going to play, or alternatively and perhaps easier, a rock star, getting the show on, and getting paid.
  • -Shrek
HA! :evillaugh: FINISHED!

...And I promised DamonWakes that I'd blow up some farm animals, so here we are.

Alyssa, agender superspy-type-character / fan of cool weapons has appeared once this month before: "Mission Distracted". I wasn't really expecting em to make another appearance, but the challenge kind of demanded this kind of character, and e was readily available.

Edit 28.07.2018: Tweaks for clarity.

The rest of today's stories can be found here.

Wordcount: 3 x 69 = 207.

If you've enjoyed this story, you may be interested in the collection of all my FFM stories this year: Beyond Dreams. You may also enjoy my FFM collections from the previous four years: Borrowed Strength, Ephemeron, Palalgia, and Changeling.
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:icondeviantfredda:
DeviantFredda Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
I'd read a whole book about Alyssa. :D
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2018   Writer
I'd struggle to write one - the two stories e showed up in are so different from my usual - but I may as well stick em on my maybe-expand-on-someday list. :D
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:iconwizardandgalaxy:
WizardandGalaxy Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Alyssa's personality shines through so strongly in so few words!
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2018   Writer
I'm glad it comes across that way. :D
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:icondamonwakes:
DamonWakes Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2018  Professional Writer
Yay! Chicken explosion! :dummy:

I find it interesting that you chose to include Shrek the film rather than Shrek the character - I would have thought that was the more difficult option.
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2018   Writer
I have a hard time with writing existing characters, whether it's in the context of fanfiction or parody. It's honestly something I should work on, especially if I'm hoping to ever write for games or TV or anything else where I end up part of a team or building on an existing property.
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:iconnamelessshe:
NamelessShe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2018
I like Alyssa. That last line, perfection. 
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2018   Writer
I wasn't sure if it worked, so I'm glad to hear that. Thank you!
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:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2018
Is there a missing word here? Getting past the head of security shouldn’t be: she has military and martial arts training...

I like how you got Shrek in there in a way that makes sense. I'm also really liking Alyssa as a character. Wouldn't mind more of eir stories. :heart:
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2018   Writer
It was intentional - call-back to the starting sentence of the first section - but looking back at it it definitely doesn't work that way, so I'll do some tweaking. Thanks for pointing that out!

Alyssa seems like a really handy character to keep around, if only for FFM challenges where eir skills are called for. Also for an excuse to write cool weapons.
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:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2018
Ohhh I see it now.
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2018   Writer
Tweaked now!
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:iconscfrankles:
SCFrankles Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
It's kind of reassuring that someone as accomplished as you had problems with this challenge - I got really stuck on it ^^" But I'm impressed with what you came up - the way you fitted together the elements and your extra challenges.

I particularly like:

The screen catches a reflection of the movement, fingers flickering, but they never turn to look.

E came prepared with two forms of false ID, an arsenal of force grenades, an alibi, and a mountain of justified fear; but this is eir lucky day.


Also the touch of humour in the final part.

(And thank you - I borrowed your fairy dust for today's story ^__^)
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2018   Writer
I've gotten kind of stuck on all of the tropes challenges this year, but this one was definitely the worst of those so far. I'm glad this one seems to hold up - thank you! :D
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:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2018   General Artist
You did ittttt! Thank you for humouring me, I hope it was more of an inspiration than an obstacle! :)
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2018   Writer
Definitely an inspiration. ;) Thank you for talking me into it, and I hope you were happy with the results!
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:iconjoe-wright:
joe-wright Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2018   General Artist
I'm really impressed, you've done some incredible work this year, and really elevated a lot of the material you were given to work with. You really have no excuse not to publish a fairy tale book now though
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:icongdeyke:
GDeyke Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2018   Writer
Ha, thank you!
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