A COLLECTION OF SKITS AND VIGNETTES: VOLUME ONE
Author's Note: The following is a selection of comedy skits and vignettes written from late December of 2018 to late February of 2019. Some are still fairly rough, others are more polished. Arranged in random order.
Open to CURTIS in an office studio. He wears a Hawaiian shirt and khaki pants.
CURTIS: Hey everyone, welcome to Self Defence 101! Today, I’ll teach you how to defend yourself in a political revolution! After all, we’ve all seen violent tensions rising across the world –
Overlay of political protests and violence.
CURTIS: – so you need to be prepared to defend your own life when the inevitable next civil war or race riots happen, especially when the Dimensional Merge happens.
Camera begins slowly zooming in. Eerie music starts playing.
CURTIS: This is not a joke. The Dimensional Merge is coming. 40% of the population will die. This is not a joke. Most deaths will be politicians. This is not a joke. The Merge is coming. This is not a joke. You will need to defend your own life.
Camera stops zooming in and returns to normal position.
CURTIS: Which means that learning self-defence is of utmost importance. But how much does the general public know about self-defence? We went out and asked them.
Cut to montage of CURTIS interviewing random people on the street about self defence and the Dimensional Merge. Use takes that mostly make people look clueless about either subject. Cut back to CURTIS in office.
CURTIS: So, as you can see, the general public doesn’t know that much about self-defence. That’s why this video is so important.
He holds up a knife.
CURTIS: Now, in the event of close combat fighting, you’re gonna want a knife. These are sharp and practical, you probably have one in your home. Generally, you don’t want to make the mistake of going for a big knife, with a nice big black handle and seven-inch blade, no, you want to go for a smaller. Some people go for a flip knife, but this here is a standard IKEA kitchen knife. It’s light, it’s sharp, it’s stainless steel, you want that. Costs a few cents extra, but you’ll be loving that shine when you slash your enemies.
Cut to CURTIS in some large area like an empty car park or loading zone.
CURTIS: Let me show you a few strokes you can do with this.
He demonstrates a few swings and jabs, offering some improvised remarks and scenarios.
CURTIS: So that’s your close-range combat, but what about some long-range combat? After all, something as big as the Dimensional Merge – which is a big deal, its not a joke, trust me, okay – you’re gonna need something more powerful, longer range. People are gonna be crazy, running through the streets with guns and shit, I hate that. But you gotta be ready to fire back. Now, I’m no expert on guns, so I’ll pass you over to someone who is.
Cut to an outside shooting range. The gun expert LEXI is standing in front of the camera. He wears jeans, a MAGA hat, and a vest with “Proud Furry” written on it
LEXI: Hey, I’m Lexi, but you can call me Lex. I’m here to teach you about long-range self-defence. Namely, guns. This here is a Glock 22. Its small, but powerful. It’s actually the model used by many police officers across the world, meaning its perfect for taking out targets such as small dogs and unarmed [CENSOR BEEP] people, so you *know* that this is what quality looks like.
He fires a few shots at a target.
LEXI: Alright, now this here is a shotgun. Its pretty good value for money, fires a big load right into your target. This one is here is your standard snake charmer shotgun, but a riot shotgun or combat shotgun works just as well. When the local gang leader or tax collector comes knocking at your door, just give him one of these…
He fires a slug at the target.
LEXI: …he won’t be troubling you again.
LEXI proceeds to test an AK-47 and an SMG.
LEXI: If you think these weapons are up your alley, then please visit my website. It’s LexCorp Weapon Manufactories, the site of choice for several ghetto police stations and multiple rogue grassroots activist organisations. Enter code “THEDIMENSIONALMERGE” for 15% discount on all body armour.
Cut back to CURTIS.
CURTIS: Thanks Lex. Well, that about wraps it up for today. If you have any other questions, please check out my Wordpress blog about the Dimensional Merge. It contains all the information you need to preserve your wellbeing during the upcoming dark times. Please feel free to donate bitcoin to keep the website running, after all it is the only currency that will continue to be used once society falls into chaos. All updates on the Merge will be posted there, so stay tuned!
Gay redneck sketch
Open on trailer park in rustbelt. A stereotypical redneck named TIMOTHY sits outside of a trailer. He wears overalls and a MAGA hat, with a piece of straw sticking out of his mouth. He speaks with a heavy Southern accent.
TIM: (V/O) My name’s Timothy, but everyone calls me Tim. I live in Southern Texas, in the middle of Alabama. I’m twenty-six years old, never once step foot inside a school, library or hospital.
Cut to inside of TIM’s trailer. It’s dusty and unorganised. His sister lays down on his bed.
TIM: I’ve been having sex with my sister since the age of fifteen. Sometimes I do it with my cuz too. At first, I thought it felt good, but for a while it’s lost its magic.
Cut to TIM at a shooting range with his brother, who is very much in the “bear” category.
TIM: (V/O) That all changed one day, when I was at the shooting ranger at my brother. We were just hanging out and testing some new rifles, when all of a sudden.
Medium shot of TIM glancing at his cousin. POV slo-mo shot as TIM takes in his brother’s face and ass. Romantic/sexy music plays.
TIM: (V/O) It was in that moment I knew what I had to do.
Smash cut to TIM and BROTHER in bathroom, passionately making out with hardcore techno music plays. Fade through to them in bedroom, having sex in slo-mo. Smash cut to the aftermath, with no music. Both lay down in bed, next to each other
BROTHER: Wow… that was great…
BROTHER: You wanna do this again sometime?
Vincent Rewind In Da Hood Sketch
Cut to public street. VINCENT REWIND is in front of camera. He is dressed in two shirts, long pants, flashy sports shoes and dark glasses. Every time he pulls down his glasses, a black censor bar appears over his eyes.
VINCENT REWIND: Eyo its ya boi Vincent Rewind, DJ V.R back at it again. Last time on the show, we raided a fashion show and strutted our style before getting thrown out because the normies couldn’t handle our sick style!
Overlay of VINCENT crashing a fashion show and climbing up on the catwalk before security throws him out.
VINCENT REWIND: Well today, we’re gonna be going in da hood! Now, yall know I talk about being in da hood, going down to da hood, I was born in da hood!
Overlay of New York suburban house.
VINCENT REWIND: But what exactly is da hood? Well, we brought in an expert on da hood – me!
Cut to VINCENT in front of a green screen, with a white board. Weird trippy colours flash in the background.
VINCENT: Alright so as you can see –
He points to the board.
VINCENT: Da hood is where da bestest things in the world come from! Money, drugs, sex, music… all the good things! The best hoods in the world are in Lower East Side, East Harlem, Chicago, Detroit, places like that! So, let’s get down to the hood.
Cut to carpark with expensive car in the middle of shot. VINCENT gets into the car and drives down the street. Cut to an urban street at night. VINCENT’s car pulls up and he gets out. He begins speaking to camera.
VINCENT: Alright, so we’re here in da hood! Let’s see what’s up!
VINCENT walks down the street and as he walks through the neighbourhood, various scenes unfold. Drug trades take place, people start beating each other up, people sit on pavements smoking weed or injecting heroin into themselves, someone gets robbed, someone gets raped, someone else gets shot. A policeman is holding someone on the ground, bashing their head on the curb repeatedly. Dramatic music plays, then stops as we cut back to VINCENT.
VINCENT: Yeah, nah. I’m going home.
He walks back to his car, only to find the bonnet and wheels stolen, with all the windows broken in.
LGBT Skateboarders sketch
Wide shot of the skatepark at Bondi Beach, in the late evening. Montage of various skaters doing tricks, set to old-school hip-hop beats. Sitting on a wall nearby are three skaters in ridiculous clothing, bright coloured hair and lipstick, loud clothing, lots of hair gel, cat ear headbands, strap on tails, all in the style of Tumblr/myspace emo-core (think the kind of person who would unironically say “rawr XD” in real life). The three are named STEFAN, PETER and JAXON. STEFAN is the group leader.
STEFAN: Man, look at all these posers.
JAXON: I bet they wouldn’t know real skaters if they came up and did an ollie on their dick!
PETER: Fuck yeah.
He takes a sip of a smoothie.
JAXON: You drinking that shit again?
PETER: It’s organic.
STEFAN: Dude, you know they hate people like us!
JAXON: Yeah, remember when they didn’t fire that one worker we complained about to management, after we found out that five years ago on their Twitter, they shared a transphobic meme?
PETER sighs and puts his smoothie down next to him.
PETER: Sorry man, I forgot.
STEFAN: How many times do we have to remind you about this stuff? I bet it wasn’t even a local independent brand either.
PETER: None of those do the mango ones properly!
JAXON: How many times man?! No big business. They’re bad, like the government and the cops.
STEFAN checks his watch.
STEFAN: Ooh, five thirty. It’s time.
The gang gets up and puts up a sign reading “LGBTIQCAPGNGFNBAWPK+ SAFE SPACE HOUR. EVERY TUESDAY AT 5:30 PM. NO CISHETS ALLOWED”. STEFAN pulls out a megaphone.
STEFAN: Alright, all cishets please leave the area. You know the drill, LGBTIQ something etcetera plus time.
All the skate park attendees look annoyed but leave anyway. Soon the park is almost empty. STEFAN looks around.
STEFAN: Huh, low turnout today.
JAXON: Yeah, looks like its just us again. Hasn’t our Facebook page been gaining any traction?
PETER: We got a few more likes on it, but all from people who don’t even skate.
Suddenly, a young adult, SAM, walks by.
SAM stops and looks over.
STEFAN: Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
SAM: Oh hey, STEFAN! We met at that gay club a while back, remember?
STEFAN: Oh yes, Sammy, my old pal! How’s it going?
SAM: Oh good, yeah, just heading home and all that, since everyone else is going.
STEFAN: Dude, you should stick with us.
JAXON: Yeah, it’s the LGBTIQ… uh… CAW…P…?
PETER: It’s the safe time for people like us.
SAM: Ha, I like hanging out with my friends here and most of them aren’t in that kind of people. If they go, I go. We’re gonna go grab some McDonald’s, you wanna tag along?
JAXON: You don’t get it dude, do ya?
STEFAN: The people here hate us!
SAM: What are you talking about?
STEFAN: A few days ago, I was down here, and some white cishets male stared at me!
STEFAN: He stare-raped me! His male gaze showed his true intentions to hold me down-
SAM: Are you sure he wasn’t just staring at you because you… kinda… look funny?
There is an awkward pause.
PETER: What do you mean?
SAM: You guys look pretty silly, with all the crazy colours and stuff.
JAXON: This is how real skaters dress!
SAM: Sure they do.
He starts to walk away.
STEFAN: Yeah, leave you transphobe!
JAXON: I bet you have internalized homophobia!
SAM flips them the bird. JAXON chucks his skateboard at SAM. It hits him in his back and he falls down.
SAM gets up and storms over to the gang again.
SAM: Oh, you wanna make something of it huh?
STEFAN: Listen man, this is just one big misunderstanding…
SAM: Oh, is it now? Misunderstand this, you cock sucking cross dresser.
He shoves STEFAN into the skate bowl, in slo-mo. SAM then grabs PETER’s smoothie and pours it onto STEFAN.
SAM: Fuck you.
He walks off.
Sex store sketch
Street exterior. A sex shop (one that sells gear and toys and whatnot) is in the middle of the frame. CUSTOMER comes from the right of the frame, nervously glances around, and enters the shop. Cut to shop interior. JONATHON the shop owner is at his desk. Various relevant items on shelves, with various people from young adulthood to old age wander the store, along with a few people in fursuits. CUSTOMER walks to the counter.
JON: Ah, good morning sir!
CUSTOMER checks his watch.
CUSTOMER: It’s 2:24 PM.
JON: Is it?
JON looks at a clock behind him. It is frozen at 10:54 AM. He takes the clock down and puts it behind the desk.
JON: I’ll have it fixed later. Now, how may I help you?
CUSTOMER: Well, I’m looking for some specific products…
JON: Oh, are you now? Well, we have a very wide range…
CUSTOMER: No, no, I mean… some very specific items.
JON: [chuckling] I’m afraid I don’t quite understand.
The CUSTOMER pauses and takes a small card out of his pocket. It is red and blue. He shows it to JON, who stops laughing and suddenly becomes more serious.
JON: Right this way sir.
JON leads the CUSTOMER to a door marked STAFF ONLY. He unlocks the door and leads JON inside. Behind the door is a space with a much more cyberpunk prison aesthetic. A row of cells with clear plastic doors line the wall. Bright LED lights illuminate the room, which is painted in black and dark grey.
JON: Here we have our special attractions! Imported straight from Japan! The work they’re doing with bio-engineering technology is really something!
CUSTOMER: I see.
JON leads the customer to Cell 1. Inside is a genetically engineered CAT GIRL, a fairly slim girl in panties and a skimpy bra. She also wears a collar.
JON: Genetically engineered cat girl. Fully illegal in Australia at the moment.
CUSTOMER: Well, it’s a start.
JON: It’s got a very special surprise.
JON points to the CAT GIRL. The customer follows his finger and notices a very obvious dick bulge in the panties.
CUSTOMER: Oh my!
JON: Not your thing, eh?
CUSTOMER: Err… not really, no.
JON: Ah, shame. Well, next up we have this.
JON leads CUSTOMER to Cell 2. Inside is a FEMALE PLEASURE ANDROID.
CUSTOMER: Now, that’s more like it.
JON: Not bad, eh? I call her Vanessa. Named after my ex-wife.
CUSTOMER gives JON a weird look. JON doesn’t notice, instead pointing further down the line.
JON: Just over there is Cell 3. Go have a look at that.
CUSTOMER walks over and peers inside. A weird creature is inside. Dressed head to toe in pink spandex, with a weird tribal mask and wig on.
CUSTOMER: Dear lord, what is that?
JON: Some kind of shapeshifting sex robot. Still trying to work it out…
CUSTOMER turns around to see JON pointing a gun at him.
CUSTOMER: Woah man! What’s up with that?
JON: You know exactly what’s up. That card you gave me earlier isn’t a card for special people to come back here. It’s a card to signify that you’re an undercover cop.
CUSTOMER: You mean…
JON: Yes, my good pal Isaak completely duped you.
CUSTOMER: You fiend!
JON: Strong words.
He fires the gun. CUSTOMER gasps and looks down. A tranquiliser dart is stuck in his leg. He falls unconscious. Fade to black. Fade into POV shot of CUSTOMER as he is now in an operating theatre. A surgeon looks down at him wielding a surgical blade. He falls unconscious again. Suddenly he is dragged off to a strange booth. He now has a visible cat tail and cat ears, with panties on. He has been surgically turned into a cat girl. He is placed in a small cyberpunkish booth. A headset and headphones are places on him. “Alermi” by Vaervaf starts to play as hypnotic messages are sent through the devices. They flash on screen with messages such as “OBEY”, “SUBMIT” and “GOOD KITTY”. Shots of CUSTOMER’s weary entrances eyes. The pleasure android from earlier briefly appears on screen singing the words to the song. There are also brief shots of the shapeshifting sex robot sitting in the corner of the shower as water falls down on him. This sequence goes on for about fifteen seconds before the CUSTOMER, now as a hypnotized obedient cat girl, is sitting in the same cell as the CAT GIRL from earlier. Both have an innocent blissful look on their face. End of sketch.
Open to overhead drone shots of train. Shots of train from side. The train is traveling through the blue mountains. Cut to train interior. A young man, JAY, sits down, head lying on the window. He gazes out of the window, mind pre-occupied. The camera zooms out the window and fades through to a flash back. “Tom’s Diner (DNA Remix)” by Suzanne Vega starts playing. Fade through to wide shot of Opera House exterior. Shots of the Opera House café, with various people eating. JAY walks along the walkway to the café, dressed smartly. He sees someone off-camera and smiles.
JAY: Hey, JANE.
Shot of JANE looking around. She notices JAY, who comes over. They kiss and hug lightly.
JAY: Good to see you again, honey.
JAY: You wanna sit down, grab a table?
JANE: Yeah, yeah… I mean, that’s why we’re here, right?
They both chuckle awkwardly.
JAY: Well, after you.
JANE: No, no, after you…
JAY: Ah, but I insist…
JANE: No, really…
JAY stops humoring her.
JAY: [Deadpan] Just get a fucking table.
Cut to JAY and JANE sitting together at a table. The music has stopped. Both are looking at menus. Random semi-interesting things happen in the background. Camera cuts between close ups of the two as they speak, but at very quick intervals and often for no reason, to disorient the viewer.
JANE: …so I got my degree in feminist post-modernist art study and I just can’t seem to find a job anywhere.
JAY: Yeah, real shocker. Me, I’m studying biology.
JANE: You mean like with humans or…
JAY: Nah, animals and shit. Y’know the type of thing. Taxidermy… can get a job at my dad’s station up in the national park…
JANE: I mean, you always were interested in animals…
JAY: What do you mean?
Images of yiff (cropped and blurred if necessary) start popping up on screen.
JANE: You always liked those weird images of animals…
JAY: Listen, I don’t know…
JANE: We used to talk about it in the school bathrooms between sessions of making out…
JAY: Just shut it, okay? Not in…
JANE: Remember that time I walked in on you…
JAY suddenly stands up and walks away from the table. Various weird filters and effects on screen to imply some sort of social anxiety or trauma. JAY stumbles to the bathroom, the camera follows him with dolly grip. He enters the stall and vomits into the basin. Cut to POV shot as he looks down into the bowl and then up at the wall and ceiling. A David Attenborough-type voice over starts talking.
VOICE OVER: …and if you look up, you can see the mid-20th century post-modernist architecture work of Joseph Riveria. Inspired by the minimalist art designs of Adolf Hitler, his work spans everything from the Sydney Opera House bathrooms to the bathrooms in the Louvre, to the…
SECOND VOICE OVER: Hey!
Suddenly cut back to the train interior. JAY sits up with a start and looks over to the source of the voice. SAM is standing in the aisle.
SAM: Mind if I sit here?
JAY: No, not at all…
SAM sits next to JAY.
SAM: This your first time round?
JAY: Well, it’s not really like I’d remember…
SAM: Some people do. Takes a while for them to do so. Y’know, I do feel like I’ve seen you somewhere before. Maybe in the other life.
JAY: Ha, maybe.
Cut to exterior shot of train station. All signs bearing the town’s name read “Purgatory”. The train pulls up to the station. Cut back to interior.
SAM: Oh, we’re here.
JAY: That was pretty quick.
They both stand up. Cut to exterior shot of train as SAM and JAY step onto the station. Each is carrying a bag with them. The train pulls away from the station. SAM and JAY exit the station and walk through the town.
JAY: Huh, this place looks pretty tidy for purgatory. I thought it’d be more… grim, I guess. I don’t really know.
SAM: Yeah, I’ve been round a few times. They did some renovations a few millennia back apparently, spruced the place up a bit. That was when they changed the name from “limbo” to “purgatory”. Some people still use the old name. It’s like that one city in Vietnam. Is it Saigon or is it Ho Chi Minh City? Who knows? Who cares? Not my problem.
JAY: I mean, they’d care…
SAM: Well, they ain’t dead. Kinda surprised I don’t see them around here more often, with their traffic and all…
JAY: I guess when you grow up with it you just work through it, y’know?
SAM: Ah, but complacency is a dangerous thing. After all, that’s why we’re here, right? Because we didn’t get up and make things work for us?
JAY: Speak for yourself, bud.
SAM: Yeah, they all say that. Just remember bud, one week in purgatory. That’s all you got to let go of what you left behind. Pass that, you go to heaven. Fail, and its reincarnation for you.
JAY: Easier said than done. Some people spend their whole lives trying to move on.
SAM: Yeah, well with luck this isn’t the first time you’ve been here. It gets a little easier each time. Or so I’ve heard.
JAY gets out a piece of paper.
JAY: Yeah, well as long as I have somewhere to rest my head, I’m happy to work out where I go… the Orphic Egg Lodge?
SAM: No way! That’s where I’m staying.
JAY: [sarcastically] Oh joy.
Cut to exterior shot of a Bed and Breakfast and night. The B&B is located at the bottom of a steep hill. Muffled TV noises can be heard. Cut to interior shot. SAM and JAY sit on the sofa, watching the TV.
TV VOICE OVER: …and now, back to Asexual Jerry Seinfeld!
Cut to shot of TV. ASEXUAL JERRY SEINFELD is doing a stand-up show.
ASEXUAL JERRY SEINFELD: So, like, what’s the deal with sex? You make someone orgasm?
Audience laugh track.
JAY: Wow, the shows here are pretty bad.
SAM: Well, you’re supposed to be reflecting on your life, not watching TV. Waddaya want me to do?
JAY: Reflecting is what I do when I’m sad. Its not a past time of mine. I’m not Albert Camus.
SAM: Did you just mention him to sound smart?
SAM: Gee, you should’ve said someone more obscure so I’d think the comparison was worthwhile. Someone like Seneca or Stefan Molyneux.
JAY: Stefan Molyneux?
SAM: Hey, I never said it had to be a good philosopher.
JAY sighs and gets up.
JAY: Fuck this. I’m going to bed.
JAY walks off screen.
SAM: [calling after him] I bet you’ve never even read Albert Camus!
Cut to upstairs bedroom. JAY sits up in bed, still in his clothes. He lays down and falls asleep. The screen starts to distort as we are led into another transition. JAY and JANE are continuing their date, now at the botanic gardens in Sydney. They stand near the water, looking down over a concrete wall.
JANE: The water is so beautiful.
JAY: Yeah, it’d be better if there wasn’t this trash all over the beach.
The camera pans over the shore, revealing various bits of garbage and a Nickelback CD.
JAY: All this disgusting filth…
JANE: Don’t let it ruin the mood.
JAY: No, no, I won’t… don’t worry…
They both walk away from the water and through the garden.
JANE: Listen, Jay, we need to talk about something.
JAY: Is it about the animal art again…?
JAY: It’s not about last night’s football game is it?
JAY: It’s not another historical essay on the Cuban economy?
JANE: Look, Jay…!
The both pause.
JANE: … I just don’t think this isn’t working for me.
JAY looks confused, shocked, hurt, etc.
JANE: You just seem like a nice guy, and I’ve had a great time with you…
JAY: I mean, that’s nice of you…
JANE: It’s just…
JAY: You’d think you could’ve told me sometime sooner than one and a half years into our relationship!
JANE: Lower your voice, we’re in public!
JAY: You can’t do this to me! Not after everything we’ve been through! I *need* you!
JANE: Look, Jay…
JAY: There’s someone else, isn’t there?
JANE looks away, unable to look him in the eyes.
JAY: I fucking knew it. Fuck you.
He storms away.
JANE: Jay, look… just calm down…
The footage starts to distort as we enter a montage of JAY having a mental breakdown. Music: “Tumoric” by Frontierer. Various shots of JAY going through parks at night, punching and kicking trees, even smashing a cricket bat against them. Footage is shot from different cameras and resolutions, often overlaid with stuttering, distortion and other visual glitches. The montage culminates with JAY in his room, looking mournfully at a noose. He gets up on a chair, slips his head through the noose and-
Suddenly JAY is back in the bed. He sits up and lets out a brief scream of terror. He looks around and sees SAM in the bed across from him. JAY breathes heavily and starts sobbing into the bedsheets.
JAY: …I’m sorry… I get it now… this is what I did wrong… isn’t it…?
A faint glow descends on JAY’s face. He looks up. Cut to shot looking through the window. At the top of the hill the B&B is situated at the bottom of is a mysterious glowing white light. JAY gets up and peers out the window.
JAY: What the…?
JAY remains fixated for several seconds, before deciding to go investigate. He leaves the room, disturbing SAM as he does so. SAM grunts and starts to move about in his bed. JAY descends the stairways and goes out onto the street. The light is still at the top of the hill. SAM appears on the house veranda behind him.
SAM: Jay! What’s going on man?!
JAY remains hypnotised by the white light. He starts to trek up the steep hill towards the white light. SAM sleepily stumbles after him.
SAM: Jay! C’mon man!
Dramatic music (namely, “Michael Row Your Boat” by Mewithoutyou) plays as JAY climbs up the hill towards the light. POV shot as he climbs up the hill. A peace symbol can faintly be seen in the centre of the light. SAM is slowly climbing behind him.
SAM: Jay, dude! You don’t know what that is!
JAY continues climbing. He is within a few feet of the light now. SAM is still lagging several metres behind. JAY reaches out towards the light.
JAY: I’m ready to let go.
The light suddenly becomes much brighter for a few seconds. SAM shields his eyes and the brightness becomes overwhelming. When the brightness dies down, the light is gone. JAY is gone. The only light comes from streetlights.
SAM: …well, that just happened.
Middle class white male ISIS sketch
Open to an airfield. Black porch with ISIS logo on the bonnet is doing slo-mo donuts in the backgrounds while two white middle class young adults stand in front of the camera. They are dressed in black hoodies and sweatpants with a bandana and glasses covering their face. Cool music is playing. Block text on screen: MIDDLE CLASS WHITE MALE ISIS. Cheesy transition wipe to news report segment. Banner is displaying various news stories and REPORTER reads off teleprompter.
REPORTER: …over fifty hours’ worth of clean-up, without being paid. In other news, local neighbourhoods are being terrorised by an offshoot of ISIS that is made up entirely of middle-class white males.
News report shows hand-held footage of the black Porsche from earlier as the car cruises through middle class Sydney. They stop outside a Liberal Party member office. Several members of middle-class white male ISIS members jump out of the car, run into the office. The handheld footage briefly switches to liveleak.com footage of them storming the building. They soon exit with several suited staff and politicians (both male and female) with green environmentally friendly shopping bags over their heads disguising their identities. They shove them into the car boot and drive off.
The REPORTER continues to speak over the report.
REPORTER: The group operates in a similar manner to their Middle East counterparts, destroying artefacts and statues, as well as following the teachings of their own religious script, having replaced the traditional Koran with “Rules for Radicals” by Saul D. Alinsky. Local residents have complained to officials about the attacks on their way of living and…
Suddenly, gunshots ring out. Cut to the studio where the news report is being filmed, with cameras focused on the reporters. A bunch of middle class white male ISIS members are storming the studios. The camera feed suddenly cuts out.
Alt-Right Romance sketch
Open on desert skyline. A sand dune takes up bottom third of the shot. Text fades on screen, in the upper two thirds of the shot. Over the sand dune struggles a survivor, ERIC. He wears cyperpunk-ish clothes, with messy hair. A montage of him wandering through the desert follows. Eventually he sits down on a log and pulls out a Dictaphone.
ERIC: Day 94 since leaving the citadel. The water is running low and I haven’t eaten in a few days. The nearest trading outpost is a few days walk away. I’ll try my best to make it but I don’t think I’ll be able to. This will probably be the only record of my journey… and to think it all started back with that son of a bitch, MICHAEL…
Screen fades through white as we enter a flashback. Fade through to industrialized production line inside a warehouse. All walls are white and clean. Various small electronic gadgets pass down the line, as employees stand by the conveyer belt, picking each one up and inspecting them, throwing them away if they are flawed. ERIC is amongst the employees. A bell rings and the conveyer belt stops. The employees have finished work for the day. The chat amongst themselves as they file out the door. ERIC sides up to his friend, MICHAEL.
ERIC: Hey man, how’s it going?
MICHAEL: Oh, yeah, pretty good.
ERIC: How’s the wife?
MICHAEL: Which one, JO, or…?
ERIC: What happened to EMILY?
MICHAEL: Got a bacterial infection. Luckily the circle set up a replacement almost right away. Gotta get that population back up, whatever it takes, yknow?
ERIC: Well, hey, you’re the one who signed up for it.
MICHAEL: Heh, well they’re making it mandatory soon.
ERIC: Wait, what?
MICHAEL: Yeah, apparently not enough guys are signing up. Don’t go spreading it around though, this is top secret classified information. Only official iTech employees are supposed to know.
ERIC: …and you know it because?
MICHAEL: Oh, I have a twin cousin who works there.
ERIC: He’s gonna get his ass handed to him if they find out he’s been spilling the beans.
MICHAEL: Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. He’s pretty high up in the system. He keeps me informed of things. Apparently, they’re gonna be cracking down on the Foogle+ accounts tomorrow.
ERIC: How do you mean?
MICHAEL: Oh, you know, like people who’ve said the wrong thing here and there…
ERIC: But aren’t most people’s housing systems linked up to their Foogle+ accounts?
MICHAEL just shrugs. By this point, ERIC and MICHAEL have reached outside. The landscape is like that of rural Vietnam, except with warehouses dotting the land. Grey gravel paths stretch out through grassy fields.
ERIC: Dude, you know my house is linked to that, and you know I’ve gotten warnings before.
MICHAEL: Just follow the rules and you’re gonna be all good.
ERIC: You know how vague the rules are!
MICHAEL shrugs again.
MICHAEL: If it’s that much of a problem, just move to the Northern Citadel.
ERIC: Yeah, as if I have enough coinage on me to do that.
MICHAEL: If you’re willing to make the trek by foot, it’s possible.
ERIC shoots him a look.
ERIC: You’re fucking crazy man. There’s no way.
MICHAEL: People have done it.
ERIC: People have also died trying to do it.
MICHAEL: It’s not like you even know if you’ll have to make the trip.
ERIC: Eh, I guess so. I’ll catch you later man.
MICHAEL: Right back atcha.
They both head their own separate ways. Cut to exterior of ERIC’s house, a small dingy bungalow. It is now late evening. ERIC enters the shot and goes inside. Cut to house interior. The house is small and messy. Weird dark stains on the wall. The house is controlled by an AI system that is represented by a small blue pixelated hologram that resembles a stereotypical anime schoolgirl. The AI system is named CYBERHACK.
ERIC: Hey, CYBER, could you turn on the lights?
CYBERHACK: Sure thing ERIC!
The lights turn on.
ERIC: Has the Circle delivered the daily rations while I was gone?
CYBERHACK: Yep, they’re in the fridge ready for you!
ERIC goes to the fridge and pulls out a plastic tray with some food that is so processed its basically just tubs of paste.
ERIC: Ooh, roast beef and potatoes! My favourite!
Cut to shot of clock. Time lapse as it turns to 3AM. Cut to house exterior. ERIC walks outside, headphones in, listening to some music. Montage of him walking along gravel roads surrounded by serene night scenery. He reaches a small clearing surround by fences and other industrial buildings. He stops and looks around cautiously.
ERIC: I know you’re here.
ERIC: It’s me, ERIC.
There is a rustling of bushes and suddenly VINCENT appears.
VINCENT: ERIC! Long time, no see!
ERIC: Same to you VINCENT.
VINCENT: How’d you know I was here?
ERIC: This is where we used to hangout back when we would skip school together. So when I noticed the bushes moving, I knew it had to be you.
VINCENT: That doesn’t quite…
ERIC: Also, you specifically told me you’d be here last time we talked.
VINCENT: Oh yeah, true… well, I’m still waiting for my target.
ERIC: Still in the assassination business?
VINCENT: Yeah, you gotta do what you gotta do, y’know?
ERIC: I mean, I guess so…
VINCENT: I will admit it is not an ideal job. I’m thinking of moving to the Northern Citadel.
ERIC: You are, huh…?
VINCENT: Yeah, lots more job opportunities. More freedom. More of the good stuff. Hell of a challenge to get there though. Luckily, I can afford a ticket on the monorail there.
ERIC: Could you, perhaps, afford two tickets…?
VINCENT: You thinking of making the move yourself, huh?
ERIC: Yes, actually.
VINCENT: Well, unfortunately I can’t spare much… but I can get you halfway there at least.
ERIC: Well, I suppose it’ll have to do…
Fade back to ERIC sitting in the desert.
ERIC: …and now… well, here I am.
Quadbike noises in the distance. ERIC suddenly stands up, in shock, looking off into the distance. “Drive-by” by Lil Peep fades in as soundtrack. A mysterious stranger in a skin-tight uniform and motorcycle helmet rides a quadbike towards ERIC. Montage of mysterious stranger riding on quadbike. Slo-mo sequences, drifting, donuts, etc. Eventually he stops showing off and pulls up next to ERIC, who walks towards him.
ERIC: Hey! Man! Whoever you are…
The stranger takes off his helmet, revealing the youthful face of TERRENCE. He talks as he gets off the quadbike and gives ERIC a hug.
TERRENCE: Hey there stranger! What’s a fine young white male like you doing out here?
ERIC: Well, uh, I’m on my way to the Northern Citadel, I’ve been walking for 94 days from the Eastern Citadel.
TERRENCE: Ah, I see! Well, you’re at least another week off, and a fair way from any rest stops.
ERIC: Yeah, I’m actually glad you found me out here. If you have any water, I’d be happy to trade you some equipment or bitcoin or something…
TERRENCE: Worry not, mister…
ERIC: The name’s Eric.
TERRENCE: And I’m Terrence. Nice to be acquainted.
They shake hands.
TERRENCE: Well Eric, you’ll be happy to know that I’m part of a clan located a few hours quadbike ride from here, inside an abandoned warehouse. I’d be happy to let you stay for a while and stock up on any resources you need for your journey.
ERIC: Well… I’d be more than happy!
TERRENCE: That’s the spirit! Just hop on the back of the bike and we can get on our way.
ERIC: Yeah, beats staying round here in the desert with all this sand… fucking hate sand.
ERIC kicks at the sand bitterly, until he accidentally falls over. Soundtrack fade in: “In the Annexe” by Boards of Canada”. Fade to stock footage of desert sun time lapse (preferably with obvious watermark, for comedic effect). Fade through to ERIC and TERRENCE riding a quadbike into an open warehouse door. Many stalls and ramshackle huts are set up inside, with several other residents sitting around. Each wear casual, torn clothes with messy hair and dirty skin. ERIC and TERRENCE get off the quadbike.
ERIC: Wow, this is a nice place you got here. Very roomy, spacious.
TERRENCE: Yeah, got a lot of room for my house, my bike…
He gives the wheel of the quadbike a friendly kick, then walks over to the other residents of the warehouse to greet them. ERIC initially follows, then suddenly stops in shock. The camera quickly zooms in on someone drinking a glass of milk. A snapshot of the article “Milk, a symbol of neo-Nazi hate” briefly flashes on screen. ERIC reacts in horror. The camera quickly zooms in on a person reading a Jordan Peterson book. A snapshot of the article “Who is Jordan Peterson, the ‘alt-right’ darling of YouTube?” flashes on screen. ERIC gasps in shock. Zoom in on someone looking at Pepe memes on a phone. A snapshot of the article “How Pepe the Frog Became a Nazi Trump Supporter and Alt-Right Symbol” briefly flashes on screen. ERIC reels in absolute disgust and terror.
ERIC: Dear God! You’re an alt right clan!
TERRENCE: Ah, I thought it would take you a while to figure out. How did you know?
ERIC: All these innocuous and completely innocent things that aren’t actually alt right in any way… it all adds up!
TERRENCE: Well, Eric, it would seem this puts a bit of a pin in things. We can’t have someone like you in our camp. After all, you are… Jewish… aren’t you?
ERIC: How did you know?!
TERRENCE: We can smell it in your blood.
TERRENCE holds up a shotgun.
TERRENCE: Now Eric, prepare to meet your fate.
TERRENCE pauses, then puts the gun down. He smirks.
TERRENCE: Actually, you know what…? You’re not worth it. Not worth the glory of public execution.
He grabs ERIC by the hair and drags him away to his room. He takes ERIC inside and locks the door.
ERIC: Please… don’t kill me… I’ll do anything…!
TERRENCE: Oh, I won’t kill you Eric.
ERIC: You… you won’t?
TERRENCE: I almost did… but damn… you’re just too handsome!
ERIC: E-excuse me?
TERRENCE moves slowly towards ERIC.
TERRENCE: You’re just so goddamn sexy Eric!
TERRENCE: I made a vow to preserve my seed only for repopulating the world with my pale skinned brethren… but just looking at you wants to make me spill my seed just for the fuck of it.
ERIC: I mean… you look pretty good yourself…
TERRENCE: Tell me you’ll treat me right… tell me you’ll blow my mind, Eric…
ERIC: Sure, why not?
They both start making out passionately.