It's been almost a year since I went dark.
First of all, apologies for my lack of activity and all that. I really hate that I had pretty much abandoned this account for a while, for sure many of you had questions, and I felt very uncomfortable to let those questions unanswered.
The main reason that I had to leave is mainly about my health issue. Not the physical one, but the mental one. I vaguely knew I had some problems several years ago, but I ignored it cause I believed that I could get better.
But last year, things changed violently, worsen my situation like it never been before. Honestly, I never thought I would see 2019 alive.
Cause of my issue, I pretty much lost all the interests in my life. Drawing, camping, video game, things got so dull and I couldn't feel any joy out of it, I just watched as things that used to be part of me lose its colors by time.
And realize that I'm going through such a process is very painful. I would like to enjoy drawing I used to do. I need something that can fill my emptiness inside of me, yet nothing seems to could bring me back.
Despite that, I can't say I would abandon what I've been doing. If I do that, it would be all over for me. Willingly or not, that is one of the reasons that put me in this world, even if it's just nominal.
It is very frightening that losing interest in everything. Things I cared, things I loved, now seem so worthless and invaluable. This world is so vast, and I just bury my head in dark silence in this busy, unforgiving reality.
In recent counseling, I realized that last time I lived without any concern was my time in the army, and if the time that everybody else hates is my best time so far, then I sure do have problems.
Now I just want to rest. I want peace and quiet without any concern of the world. Wish I got help much sooner.
But, I will restart what I've been doing in someday. There is still a tiny bit of desire that wants to go back in time. But I will probably never going to accept any commissions from now on.
Just hoping I'm not too late by now.
I'm hoping this journal helps you understand what I've been through. Again, sorry for sudden silence with no heads up whatsoever.