Sorry about this, but its therapy for me to write this out.
Firbormyalgia, I hate you
A disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. ... Many people who have fibromyalgia also have tension headaches, temporomandibular joint (TMJ) disorders, irritable bowel syndrome, anxiety and depression... blah blah blah...
Last Saturday my wife I were invited to a friends house for some board games and some fun. Unfortunately I could not make it due to wonderful feeling of wanting to barf all night. Sometimes I just feel that way (all the time). I told my wife to go and that I shouldn't hold her back from a good time. I ended up drawing in my room all night and watching Zootopia. (Zootopia was fantastic.)
When Im invited out but can't go I feel like a terrible friend. Just so you know I have wonderful friends, they cook me food I can eat and are very understanding about my stupid disease. They are 100% UNDERSTANDING! So why do I still feel bad? I was thinking about this last Saturday. I know I shouldn't because sometimes life hands you a rough hand and you can't function well. Thats the way it is. I know its not the worst disease in the world to have. However, when I feel like shit I beat myself up over it. I shouldn't. The absolute worst thing about it honestly is when people tell me its a made up disease and I don't really feel the pain or that guys can't get it. Fibro has a bad rap. People think doctors tell you that you have it if they can't figure out whats wrong with you.
I feel like I let people down or they don't believe me. But I'm done with that and its time for me to accept what I have and for everyone else to do the same. SO heres the deal, Im going to be upfront with anyone who asks to hang out in any capacity. "I have Fibro and I can possibly flake on a hangout. Its not you, Its my fibro." Easy peasy! Right? Also its time to stop beating myself up if I hurt too bad to draw, work out, or live my life. I can play video games and chill out. Its a sick excuse! So if you try to talk to me OR even try to hang with me and I flake out. This is why. Im sorry, but... Im sick. SO DEAL.
"BUT GARLIC, HOW DID YOUR FIBRO START?!" Good question, nobody.
In late 2014 I started having bad stomach cramps. As it got worse I started to get a blackness under my eyes and my body went pale. The stomach doctor told me it was a bacterial infection and gave me antibiotics. The treatment didn't work. I was getting sicker and my pain more violent. It was around this time i was almost fired from my job because I couldn't work. I started dropping weight fast and the doctor wasn't helping or listening to me. I would go home and immediately lay in bed, no food or water. I was dying and I didn't know why. My only saving grace was my wife buying me Pokemon. I was so sick I became a POKEMON GOD DAMN MASTER, over leveling the SHIT out of them. It took a family friend to realize these were symptoms of gallbladder disease. NOT MY DOCTOR (still a little mad about this). After scanning my gallbladder they found that it was dead and Had to be removed.
February 2015 they took out my Gallbladder. I was 20 pounds lighter but I was on the road to recovery. I started working out and eating healthy. I couldn't eat what I wanted, too painful, but I could accept that! I wasn't dying anymore. Around August I felt a slight throbbing feeling where my gallbladder was. I ignored it. September is when it got worse and lead to shitting all the time for no reason. I thought to myself "its happening again... why?" I was sick on my wedding day in October... Stomach cramps. I still managed to have fun.. but i was being tortured again. New stomach doctor didn't understand what was going on. Colonoscopy came back negative. She gave up on me. November and December were the worst. I was having attacks. Elevated heart rate, nausea, confusion. They were random and there was no warning. It was hard to eat. I never knew what would set me off. There was no pattern
2016 we got a new stomach doctor. She was hopeful. 3 expensive test later... nothing. Although I was showing the signs of IBS she said there was no physical evidence and offered me pain therapy. I was so mad. She gave up in front of me! ( I think my wife was way angrier) My back was starting to hurt and I couldn't make it through the night due to the pain. In July my wife suggested a rheumatologist. She thought I had an autoimmune disease. I agreed because who the FUCK knew what was happening to me. My rheumatologist did. He looked at me, read my file, and ACTUALLY sat down and talked to me for more than 5 minutes. He was a REAL doctor. Fibromyalgia was his answer. He explained why and was very excited about the diagnosis. "10 years until there is a cure" he said. Muscle relaxers were his treatment for me in the meantime. “Muscle relaxants do help reduce tenderness and may relax patients or ease their anxiety." THEY HELPED...ish. If I had an attack BOOM pop a muscle relaxer, DONE, forget about it. But... they made me too tired and didn't solve my stomach pain. I took these for a year.
November 2017 my wife FORCED me to go back to the stomach doctor. I was always in pain and to be blunt, I had constant diarrhea. (sorry SORRY SORRY) SO I said FUCK IT. Why not. Its fun to have gastroanterologist look at me like I'm crazy. ON TO STOMACH DOCTOR NUMBER 4! I told him what was up and he smiled. "Antidepressants" he said. It will reduce pain, help me sleep at night and get rid of any depression. He told me muscle relaxers can cause STOMACH PAIN! DONT PRESCRIBE THEM TO SOMEONE COMPLAINING OF STOMACH PAIN THEN!!@!! He thinks when they cut my Gallbladder out that a nerve was severed causing constant pain. So I gave them a shot.. and here I am. Three weeks in and almost no pain. I could cry. I actually forgot what this felt like. It took three years, of fear, pain, and doubt but I can live mildly normal. But its not 100% I can still feel my pain underneath the antidepressants influence but its mild now. I still have my bad days like last Saturday, but things are finally looking up. I couldn't be happier (Im sure thats the antidepressant talking)
Seriously Im sorry about this post. I had to get this off my chest.
I don't even know who this is for!
To sum it up.. Im sick, I'm sorry. Its getting better, but I have it forever. I may flake, its me not you.